Friday craziness
As wicked as it was, there was a little vindication on my part. The smell had started on Wednesday afternoon and no one really wanted to believe me. Yesterday it was still there, yet not too bad. Luckily I had enough appointments yesterday that I was only in my office for a couple hours. Today, though, it was so bad that the facilities person in the building exiled me from my office and had to call environmental services. I had to chuckle when they arrived, all huge and burly type guys because when they stepped in my office, one of them about tossed his cookies. They were checking in the ceiling tiles, on the floor smelling the carpeting, and still could not find it.
Finally, it was located, and blessed be our janitor who cleaned it all up, disinfected everything and even found some room deodorizer. Of course my throat is raw from inhaling the mixture of chemicals that were used in there today, and yet I was able to work. I was asking for a while, "do I get to go home under the Act of God rule?"
I about got to leave anyways as I came close to hitting a co-worker today. There is a guy down the hall who likes to walk up behind you and do things to you without you knowing he is there. He did this to a few weeks back down in a coworkers office and it threw me into a bad anxiety attack. I think I noted this in a past post. She had asked me then (she is his supervisor) if I wanted her to say anything to him and I told her no, I would be fine and it was said and done.
Today, he came up behind me (while I was in the same office) and started messing with my ear. I was standing this time and only about 2 feet from him. I had no clue he was there and then he touched me. I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye and I drew back and about hit him. You see, I am not sure who my mind was telling me was standing there, yet it was not this guy. All my brain registered at that moment was "THREAT!". About mid swing I realized what I was doing and who it was and stopped myself. Then my mouth took over without though when I exclaimed right at him, "You mother f***er, you do that again and I will hit you. Keep your hands off me." Ok, so that just came out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying and maybe it got the point across though. The thing is, the guy knows I have PTSD and knows why. And, seeing that he spent time in the middle east in the army, he should know better.
I did apologize, and asked (nicely this time) that he please don't touch me or come up in my personal space unannounced. He just blew me off with one of those "yah, I know how you really feel about me now" comments. Apparently, he doesn't realize the power I wield around here and if he does it again, he will be out of a job. Nope, not a threat, just a statement of fact. As for my friend, she just shook her head and noted that it all happened so fast that she wasn't sure what to make of it. As I think about it, it did happen pretty quick. Bottom line, don't spook me.
In the world of actual serious stuff, I have done OK (I think) with the food today. It has been hard as I keep fighting the thoughts and urges to not eat at all. When I am eating it has been like a broken record playing over and over "this is too much" when in actuality it probably is not enough. I had to swing by the store tonight and it was hard. There were things I would start to reach for so I could check out the food label. I guess the positive was that I stopped myself before I did it.
Now I just have to remember to not associate negative thoughts and feelings with that. I don't think grocery stores are going to be my friend for a while. Not that they ever totally were, and yet tonight I realized I have kind of back-peddled a bit with my ability to not get so anxious around food. I have to decide what I am going to do about it - am I going to start avoiding going for a while or keep working on that becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable. I am sure I will figure it out. Although I don't truly feel ok, I keep telling myself that I am.
I am starting to think that I am going to back away from sharing so much about the eating issues with others unless they fall in that close circle of mine. I have to remember that not everyone is going to really understand and I have heard one too many "but you were doing so good" comments this week. No, I never was doing good, I just faked it really well. And those kind of comments don't help, they actually just throw some gas on the judgmental fire. Every time I have heard it this week, no matter what my reply was, my mind immediately started throwing around words like failure, loser, disappointment, and more. Sure, I could stop them pretty quick, yet their existence for even a brief moment leaves some scars.
Tomorrow is another day. It's transfer Saturday which means a trip to Charleston to see the missionaries and hang at DQ for the transfer calls. I do believe we are bowling again beforehand. It was actually the elders and not the sisters that got a hold of me this past week to see if I was still coming. Ah, my children. I do love them so.
With that, I think it is time to take a few day away from writing. I have a few things that keep swirling around in my head that I can't seem to get to slow down long enough to think through. Sometimes I think my recent randomness of posts is my brains way of playing avoidance. Maybe a few days off will let me sit down and get back to using my writing to work through things instead of a daily laundry list of things I have done. Maybe I should start a third blog for those kinds of posts.
One moment at a time.