Deep Breath and Prayer

Allow that other "creative" side of me to help in explaining things at the moment. I put that in quotes as I am not sure if I really am creative or just a little insane. Right now I feel... and my heart is beating and pounding and I can actually see my shirt moving with each beat. It doesn't feel the greatest and kind of makes it hard to breathe. I practice my breathing to help keep me calm....breathe in deep....hold....breathe out......repeat. Use that diaphragm!  I try to remember my skills.....find my blue donkey....yet I am having trouble locating him. So I figure i will just distract myself by telling a story....yes, a story would be good to shift my mind.... and at this moment, my therapist is reading this and suddenly went...."what???" Yet, it is ok, as she knows as long as I am not making much sense, that I am really ok. It's a coping skill....kind of.... The good thing is that my heart is beating normal, my mind is quieted, and now people will conti...

Seems more is coming out in pictures than in words lately. There is a part where I just have not had the words - whether it is because they just have not been there or they have disappeared. I have recently realized that there are times I don't want to find the words, avoidance at its best. Sometimes it is scary to have the words, to say them, to feel them, to see them. So at the end of session on Friday, I made not that I was sad, yet I couldn't explain it. That one wasn't avoidance, I really didn't have the words and seeing it was the end of session, I wasn't at a place to go looking for them either. I was asked if I could draw it and later in the day would do that. Even though I did my best to put it on paper in picture, something in my mind was looking for the words and found something - words, feelings, emotions...something. It's interesting that when I try to define "sad" it always includes "loss" and many times, that loss is Ali. Not t...