Deep Breath and Prayer

Today is a day. It is ok that I don't label it good or bad. Really, it is probably best that I don't. Seems there have been too many labelled days lately. In the thick of the moment, I often forget that there is no need for labels. It is what it is. It is a day. It is a moment. It is. Things have felt distressing lately. Now, more on the "other side" of it, I can take a breath and safely look back at it. I take a long deep breath. Breathe in, hold, breathe out slowly. I have to remember not to judge. It's easy to look back and conclude, "I really screwed up." Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Maybe those experiences were what I needed in order to move forward. The thing is that they happened, I was a part of it, and then life moved on. One day at a time. One moment at a time. It is ok. It is. It is easy to love others. I often say that it is my weakness - I love too much. It feels great to serve others. It is even easy most times to forgive others. Not so...

I about gave up today. Well, the jury is still kind of out on whether I did or not...or whether I am fully convinced not to. I'm starting to doubt myself pretty rough. And, even though I know this fight is 110% worth it, I'm wondering about my ability to pull it off. A friend (who has been through a much larger battle and came out on the other side) continues to tell me to be patient with myself. To be genuine with myself. To remember that I have all the time in the world to work on this. Today she told me "You were powerful and strong enough to make the wrong choices, therefore you are just as powerful and strong to make the right ones." Sometimes I hate it when things make sense. I feel like I am moving backwards instead of forward, especially these past few days. God knows I am fighting. Somewhere, I had this innocent and unrealistic thought that once I came to peace with myself that I was actually worth something, that things would be a little easier from there on...