Deep Breath and Prayer

I woke up today. That is a good start. Slept so hard last night that I dreamed in Spanish. I guess the darkness didn't win even though it beat me down pretty hard. I've stayed busy most of morning. Been around people and running errands. Been home for a couple hours now and soon to take a nap. I don't feel "secure" right now. I put that in quotes because I am and feel safe, yet just alone and kind of afraid. Lots of stimulus yesterday. Lots of come down today. I wish the guardian and the kids were here. Have not felt their presence since Thursday night when the darkness rolled in. It's still near, laughing and taunting me. I close my eyes and try to feel the guardian's touch, and nothing is there. Consequences, all choices have consequences. I imagine I still have plenty ahead of me. I hurt, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So many thoughts in my head that it's a little much. My choice, my fault, my consequences. How can I dare ask for securit...

Well, hello Blewy. Remember me? The guardian is not around right now, you are alone, and I'm stepping in to have a little discussion with you. I'm thinking you might want to send Chris an email and tell her to skip reading this post as she is not going to like what gets said. I imagine, for the most part, you won't either but I am going to say it anyways. Truth is, I don't care if you like it or not. Before I go chewing you up, I will give you one complement, I like how you can carry around a red cup and say "I've got chocolate milk" and Tess does anything that you say. Impressive, quite impressive. Now, sit down, shut up, and listen. When are you finally going to get your head out of your ass? I used to think you would snap out of wherever the hell your mind is, yet I have decided that you must not be able to do it, come to think about I am going to say that you don't have the ability to do it. Have you even taken time to sit down and think about who ...

I have a feeling today might be peppered with small posts. I need to be strong today...wait, that might get called for judgement (do you have to be strong?). I want to try and be as strong as I can today. I want to do the best I can to stay on the positive side of the net. I need to be compassionate toward myself and caring (see, I listened in session today!). I went and got lunch. Did a salad - it was kind of a compromise between eating something I really wanted and not eating at all. I ate it and it is not sitting well with me. That's normal. When I start restricting my food, when I do eat, I generally end up with an upset stomach. Although most of it is physical, I am sure there is some emotional reasons too. The stress and anxiety behind the "why are you doing this (eating)!!" rattles my nerves, which in turn upset my guts. I did well though, I expected anxiety/panic as I went into the store, yet I made it. While in there, I kept reminding myself, I am ok, I am good, ...

I don't usually write posts in the early morning hours yet sometimes you just have to check in. Slept well, yet dreamnt a lot and they were not bad or disturbing, but the cast of characters were not the most pleasant. Nothing like being berated in your dreams. Maybe someday I can get that "control your dreams" thing figured out. I'm not mad at myself this morning like I was yesterday, that is a good thing. Guess I would be closer to numb. Not sure if it is that I am just in that numb place because I am here or if I am being willful when it comes to feeling. I don't think I want to feel at the moment. I will get through it...I have faced worse. Anymore it is not dealing so much with the incident that is hard, it is dealing with my own self. Sometime I do really well with that "love yourself" and sometimes I fail miserably. Time to face the day. Everything is going to work out, it always does and there will be a lesson learned out of it. In the meantime I ...

What you see is the ever so humble remains of my childhood blanket. "Bwankie" has been with me for as long as I can remember. Many years ago it fell apart and seeing that I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it, I packed the pieces up in a big baggie and stored it away. A year or so ago, I took it out, put the washer on gentle cycle, washed it, and hung it up to dry. It has hung in my doorway to my back room since. A couple weeks ago, Joe looked at it and was, "dude, is that your blanket...or what is left of it?" I just smiled and said yes. Think of Linus from Charlie Brown. Ok, you may think he was attached to his blanket....no, Linus had nothing on me. The only piece of undoubted security I had was my blanket. No matter how scary life got, I could disappear under my blanket. When I became larger than it, I could still disappear just by holding it close. I have to admit, it broke my heart when it finally started falling apart. My literal security blanket was g...

Yesterday, it went something like this: Heavenly...rich, yet heavenly! Boo boo paw. And today went something like this: Belgian waffle with peaches and whipped cream Breakfast with Sister Petrie and Sister Ramierez The start of a new family portrait. It finished off with a good, fun evening with 35. You know, I still have a lot of healing to do, yet I do find solace in hearing things like "you are where I was a couple years ago" because that means that I can get to where she is now.....I call that hope. While driving to work today, my mind was wandering as usual. At one point, I just said to myself, "I don't want to die." Although this might seem like nothing, it is the first time I have actually expressed it out loud and it not be connected to a self-harming incident.  I wish I could say that I have never wanted to die, yet that would be lying.  Even with the decrease in harming and destructive behaviors, I would still find myself thinking at time, "I wish...

It started out like this: Then, this happened: Which, three hours later would become this: And, it was not alone. On the other side of the yard: Oh, and yes, there was a third one: Then, although still plenty more to go, the pile looked like this: Hopefully, next weekend will be nice too. I have gotten to a point where I will say I am proud of myself, yet today, I will have to say that I was actually impressed with myself (and proud too). I got home, went straight out and started to work. I wasn't sure how long I would be able to stick with it, yet I did, for over 3 hours. As I was playing pyromaniac, knowing Chris would see these photos, I laughed at all the things she might say. I'm thinking a bunch of "please be careful" comments. Hey, I was! I had no injuries that required medical attention - and that is where I am leaving it! Seriously though, I just stayed outside and kept working. I didn't have a goal, I just did a bit, then a bit more. I didn't give my...