Deep Breath and Prayer

I want to stay the same, and I want to change. There is a paradox for ya, yet through the magic of dialectics, they really both can be a desire...even at the same time. I am a good person. I am compassionate. I am kind. I am helpful. If I have and another is in need, then I will give with no questions or demands for repayment. I have a great sense of humor and can generally make even the most stoic crack a smile. I believe in eternity, stretching from a time before this life and extending through a life after this one. I believe all things have a spirit and should be treated with respect. I believe all people should be treated with respect. I have quite the imagination. I am a storyteller. I am creative. I see amazing things in my mind. Sometimes they don't translate out like I see them, yet I am also a believer in "it's the thought that counts." I am smart and capable of taking care of myself, even when it doesn't feel like it. I am a hopeless romantic. I am lovi...

Sometimes I have bad dreams - like a low budget film that you watch on Sunday afternoons on the USA channel. The ones that are so bad all you can do is laugh at them. I have actually woke myself up laughing from these types of dreams. You shake your head and go back to sleep wondering what you ate before you went to bed to entice such craziness. Then there are the bad dreams that you wake up and lay there long enough that you hope it won't pick back up when you close your eyes. They come with threat of danger. Someone attacking verbally or threatening to attack you physically. It's a simple concept - I am going to be hurt and I am scared to death and I can't get away. Run, get chased. Hide, get found. There is no escape from the feeling of compounding danger. Then I have nightmares. I usually call them "disturbing" as they seem to surpass a general definition of a nightmare. Take the fear and anxiety of the bad dream, yet this one follows through. Beaten, stabbed,...

I am continually learning things that I should have already known. For example, if I want to function past the noon hour, do not take three muscle relaxers when I go to bed the night before then get up early. Nothing positive came from it - muscles still hurt, and I still had nightmares. I tried. Got to thinking earlier how over the past many months I have recognized the correlation between my physical and emotional health. If I am doing well physically, I seem to battle the emotional stuff better. I don't think it is a matter of more or less vulnerable (although that is true too) it is just the ability to cope and manage. I am trying to find acceptance with where I have landed lately emotionally. Knowing that when I am physically down, the darkness takes advantage, I can honestly blame myself for a part of this. Again, hard to ask for or accept help when you know you are where you are because you didn't think. Ok, to be fair, it really isn't about thinking. I would say I a...

Imagine that somewhere in your life you came to believe that grass was blue. Now, you always found that unsettling as grass appeared to be the same color as the leaves on the trees, and you knew that tree leaves were green. When you would try to look at the grass and say it was green, it just never felt right. There was too much guilt when you tried to think otherwise. Grass had to be blue, it just had to be. Then one day, someone came to you and explained that grass really was green. Yes, you had thought it was blue all these years, and based on the knowledge and resources you had at that time, that was the logical conclusion. The reality of it though, was that grass really was green. Rationally, it makes sense. Of course grass would be green - it looks green and it matches other green things. Emotionally, though, it still feels blue. So each time it comes across your mind, you tell yourself, "It feels blue, yet it is not. It is green." It is all you have at the moment. You ...

Another weekend down, even though the holiday tomorrow stretches it out a bit more. I'm tired across the board tonight - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I would guess that "drained" may be a closer representation. Somewhere in the current numbness there seems to be some hope. Of course that could be because I just got off the phone with Elder Erickson and his companion. Looks like the plan of action tomorrow is for a trip to a nature preserve that is near their area. I'm pretty excited. The first thought that went through my mind was how relaxing I bet that will be. I told them to decide if they wanted to go out to eat or get something to take and do a picnic. It will be a good day and I just hope the crazy anxiety stays away - or stays calmed down. For the moment, my mind is quiet. I find myself sitting and staring off, not thinking about anything really, just daydreaming I guess. Couldn't tell you what I am thinking about when I do that, it is li...