Nightmares
Sometimes I have bad dreams - like a low budget film that you watch on Sunday afternoons on the USA channel. The ones that are so bad all you can do is laugh at them. I have actually woke myself up laughing from these types of dreams. You shake your head and go back to sleep wondering what you ate before you went to bed to entice such craziness.
Then there are the bad dreams that you wake up and lay there long enough that you hope it won't pick back up when you close your eyes. They come with threat of danger. Someone attacking verbally or threatening to attack you physically. It's a simple concept - I am going to be hurt and I am scared to death and I can't get away. Run, get chased. Hide, get found. There is no escape from the feeling of compounding danger.
Then I have nightmares. I usually call them "disturbing" as they seem to surpass a general definition of a nightmare. Take the fear and anxiety of the bad dream, yet this one follows through. Beaten, stabbed, raped, shot, left for dead. Many times there are a lot of people, lots of chaos. I seem to always try to be helping them somehow, and yet I never am successful. For example, the other night it was large groups of people, trying to escape some kind of building. They were being attacked and having their throats cut. The problem is though, the point of view is not from a distance, it is right there on top of what is happening, each time. Every person who dies, I watch it first hand and I can't do a thing about it. The sights and sounds are horrible. The screaming doesn't stop.
At some point it becomes my turn - I feel every hit, shot, stab, or worse. As much as I try to save everyone else, no one is trying to save me. Sometimes it is "one and done" other times it is multiple attacks of multiple ways. Sometimes I am left there afterwards other times I have been tossed of a cliff, thrown in a ravine. I don't even know where my mind comes up with the stuff. I know I have watched some violent television in my life, yet nothing like this stuff.
It is so real that if I am lucky to wake up during, I am checking myself for injury. It is so frightening that I get up, as the last thing I care to do is close my eyes again. I learned long ago that these dreams can pick back up very quickly if I go back to sleep too soon. I've woke up from these dreams in a panic, sweating, not knowing where I am. It's not fun. The worst is when I can't get the images and feelings out of my mind and go through the day with the fear and anxiety just like it was happening while I was awake.
These dreams come and go. I can't say there is really a pattern to them. They are more prevalent when I am struggling emotionally or physically exhausted. They have been haunting me for about a week now, some nights more than others. I tried to think back to how long I have had them and I could not really come up with anything. I remember having the bad dreams as a teenager/young adult, yet I don't remember having the disturbing ones until after being robbed. It had to be around that time as I remember drinking a lot of alcohol before I would go to bed in hopes that I would not dream. When I quit drinking, it became another catalyst for unhealthy coping skills.
I don't know why I have them. I am sure that Freud would have a wonderful time with me. All I know is that they do not make for a good night of restful sleep or a quiet mind. And they most definitely don't help with self destructive thinking patterns.
Last night was good, no nightmares. Usually if I can go three days with no nightmares I know I am going to be ok for a while. I am crossing my fingers that tonight is night two.
Then there are the bad dreams that you wake up and lay there long enough that you hope it won't pick back up when you close your eyes. They come with threat of danger. Someone attacking verbally or threatening to attack you physically. It's a simple concept - I am going to be hurt and I am scared to death and I can't get away. Run, get chased. Hide, get found. There is no escape from the feeling of compounding danger.
Then I have nightmares. I usually call them "disturbing" as they seem to surpass a general definition of a nightmare. Take the fear and anxiety of the bad dream, yet this one follows through. Beaten, stabbed, raped, shot, left for dead. Many times there are a lot of people, lots of chaos. I seem to always try to be helping them somehow, and yet I never am successful. For example, the other night it was large groups of people, trying to escape some kind of building. They were being attacked and having their throats cut. The problem is though, the point of view is not from a distance, it is right there on top of what is happening, each time. Every person who dies, I watch it first hand and I can't do a thing about it. The sights and sounds are horrible. The screaming doesn't stop.
At some point it becomes my turn - I feel every hit, shot, stab, or worse. As much as I try to save everyone else, no one is trying to save me. Sometimes it is "one and done" other times it is multiple attacks of multiple ways. Sometimes I am left there afterwards other times I have been tossed of a cliff, thrown in a ravine. I don't even know where my mind comes up with the stuff. I know I have watched some violent television in my life, yet nothing like this stuff.
It is so real that if I am lucky to wake up during, I am checking myself for injury. It is so frightening that I get up, as the last thing I care to do is close my eyes again. I learned long ago that these dreams can pick back up very quickly if I go back to sleep too soon. I've woke up from these dreams in a panic, sweating, not knowing where I am. It's not fun. The worst is when I can't get the images and feelings out of my mind and go through the day with the fear and anxiety just like it was happening while I was awake.
These dreams come and go. I can't say there is really a pattern to them. They are more prevalent when I am struggling emotionally or physically exhausted. They have been haunting me for about a week now, some nights more than others. I tried to think back to how long I have had them and I could not really come up with anything. I remember having the bad dreams as a teenager/young adult, yet I don't remember having the disturbing ones until after being robbed. It had to be around that time as I remember drinking a lot of alcohol before I would go to bed in hopes that I would not dream. When I quit drinking, it became another catalyst for unhealthy coping skills.
I don't know why I have them. I am sure that Freud would have a wonderful time with me. All I know is that they do not make for a good night of restful sleep or a quiet mind. And they most definitely don't help with self destructive thinking patterns.
Last night was good, no nightmares. Usually if I can go three days with no nightmares I know I am going to be ok for a while. I am crossing my fingers that tonight is night two.