They are who I am
I want to stay the same, and I want to change. There is a paradox for ya, yet through the magic of dialectics, they really both can be a desire...even at the same time.
I am a good person. I am compassionate. I am kind. I am helpful. If I have and another is in need, then I will give with no questions or demands for repayment. I have a great sense of humor and can generally make even the most stoic crack a smile. I believe in eternity, stretching from a time before this life and extending through a life after this one. I believe all things have a spirit and should be treated with respect. I believe all people should be treated with respect.
I have quite the imagination. I am a storyteller. I am creative. I see amazing things in my mind. Sometimes they don't translate out like I see them, yet I am also a believer in "it's the thought that counts." I am smart and capable of taking care of myself, even when it doesn't feel like it. I am a hopeless romantic. I am loving. I am easily loved. My heart is huge and can break easily. I give people the benefit of the doubt, even when I shouldn't. I am slow to anger.
I like to ask questions. I am curious. I want to know how things work. I want to understand how things relate to each other. I want to see how pieces go together. I like to hold things in my hands and examine them, feel them, fit them together, and take them apart. I love the simplicity and the intricacy of things.
I am unique. I am individual. I am one of a kind. I am a warrior. I am gentle giant. I'm the one your mom warned you about and the one she wants you to be best friends with. I am the one who brings in the bird with the broken wing, the turtle who got lost, the bunnies who were abandoned. I don't believe they are doomed, I give them every chance I can. If they don't make it, I dig a hole, put them in a box, and say a little prayer.
I have no desire to change these things, for they are who I am.
Sometimes I feel haunted. Sometimes I carry fear beyond explanation. I sometimes desire to crawl in a hole, disappear, and be forgotten by all. I carry weight and burdens that others placed on me and do not understand how to let them go. I carry burdens that I place on myself that are not mine to haul.
Sometimes I think very scary things and desire to hurt myself to try and make the thoughts stop. There are times I desire to hurt myself as a punishment for not making the right choice - whether I understood the choice or not. Sometimes I feel the world would be better had I never existed, better if I didn't exist now. Sometimes I count light posts, bridge embankments, overpass supports. I watch them from afar, getting closer, and desire to meet them head on.
I struggle with knowing I am good and I fight the feeling that I am worthless, dirty, disgusting. I struggle with knowing I am better than the darkness in me and yet I tire so quickly from fighting it. Sometimes I just want to let it win so I can rest.
I love to know, desire to ask and experience, yet cower under shame. I struggle with accepting simply because I don't feel like I am allowed to have good experiences or I am not deserving of assistance. I will smile, desire, and almost say yes, only to hear in my mind that good things are for others, not for me - I politely decline.
Sometimes the beauty I see in my mind becomes distorted and ugly. I quit creating. I quit imagining. I stop in hopes it will stop. Sometimes my heart aches so deep that I can hardly breathe. I desire to cry, yet have no tears. I have forgotten how. I forget who I am. I forget I have a purpose. I forget I am here for a reason. I forget that I am needed. I forget that I might be missed.
Sometimes it lasts just a moment and other times it never seems to end. When there, it is hard to see the pattern, if one even exists. Surrounded by so many, in those moments I feel so alone. In those moments I forget all the good and wonderful things about myself. If I can remember them, they are negated, denied, jaded.
These are things that I wish I could figure out how to change, and yet, they too are who I am.
I am a good person. I am compassionate. I am kind. I am helpful. If I have and another is in need, then I will give with no questions or demands for repayment. I have a great sense of humor and can generally make even the most stoic crack a smile. I believe in eternity, stretching from a time before this life and extending through a life after this one. I believe all things have a spirit and should be treated with respect. I believe all people should be treated with respect.
I have quite the imagination. I am a storyteller. I am creative. I see amazing things in my mind. Sometimes they don't translate out like I see them, yet I am also a believer in "it's the thought that counts." I am smart and capable of taking care of myself, even when it doesn't feel like it. I am a hopeless romantic. I am loving. I am easily loved. My heart is huge and can break easily. I give people the benefit of the doubt, even when I shouldn't. I am slow to anger.
I like to ask questions. I am curious. I want to know how things work. I want to understand how things relate to each other. I want to see how pieces go together. I like to hold things in my hands and examine them, feel them, fit them together, and take them apart. I love the simplicity and the intricacy of things.
I am unique. I am individual. I am one of a kind. I am a warrior. I am gentle giant. I'm the one your mom warned you about and the one she wants you to be best friends with. I am the one who brings in the bird with the broken wing, the turtle who got lost, the bunnies who were abandoned. I don't believe they are doomed, I give them every chance I can. If they don't make it, I dig a hole, put them in a box, and say a little prayer.
I have no desire to change these things, for they are who I am.
Sometimes I feel haunted. Sometimes I carry fear beyond explanation. I sometimes desire to crawl in a hole, disappear, and be forgotten by all. I carry weight and burdens that others placed on me and do not understand how to let them go. I carry burdens that I place on myself that are not mine to haul.
Sometimes I think very scary things and desire to hurt myself to try and make the thoughts stop. There are times I desire to hurt myself as a punishment for not making the right choice - whether I understood the choice or not. Sometimes I feel the world would be better had I never existed, better if I didn't exist now. Sometimes I count light posts, bridge embankments, overpass supports. I watch them from afar, getting closer, and desire to meet them head on.
I struggle with knowing I am good and I fight the feeling that I am worthless, dirty, disgusting. I struggle with knowing I am better than the darkness in me and yet I tire so quickly from fighting it. Sometimes I just want to let it win so I can rest.
I love to know, desire to ask and experience, yet cower under shame. I struggle with accepting simply because I don't feel like I am allowed to have good experiences or I am not deserving of assistance. I will smile, desire, and almost say yes, only to hear in my mind that good things are for others, not for me - I politely decline.
Sometimes the beauty I see in my mind becomes distorted and ugly. I quit creating. I quit imagining. I stop in hopes it will stop. Sometimes my heart aches so deep that I can hardly breathe. I desire to cry, yet have no tears. I have forgotten how. I forget who I am. I forget I have a purpose. I forget I am here for a reason. I forget that I am needed. I forget that I might be missed.
Sometimes it lasts just a moment and other times it never seems to end. When there, it is hard to see the pattern, if one even exists. Surrounded by so many, in those moments I feel so alone. In those moments I forget all the good and wonderful things about myself. If I can remember them, they are negated, denied, jaded.
These are things that I wish I could figure out how to change, and yet, they too are who I am.