Sudden silence
Another weekend down, even though the holiday tomorrow stretches it out a bit more. I'm tired across the board tonight - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I would guess that "drained" may be a closer representation. Somewhere in the current numbness there seems to be some hope. Of course that could be because I just got off the phone with Elder Erickson and his companion. Looks like the plan of action tomorrow is for a trip to a nature preserve that is near their area. I'm pretty excited. The first thought that went through my mind was how relaxing I bet that will be. I told them to decide if they wanted to go out to eat or get something to take and do a picnic. It will be a good day and I just hope the crazy anxiety stays away - or stays calmed down.
For the moment, my mind is quiet. I find myself sitting and staring off, not thinking about anything really, just daydreaming I guess. Couldn't tell you what I am thinking about when I do that, it is like things just go into their own place.
Have you ever been near a washer while it is spinning out and you have the loud sound of the washer (especially if it is an old one like mine) and you have the vibrations from the spinning that you can feel through the floor - in other words, a bit noisy and a lot of hyper-sensory going on. And then when the washer stops, it is like the silence is almost deafening because there is such a contrast. This is how the "noise" in my mind is sometimes.
Most times when I am trying to relax (whether it is trying to fall asleep or just taking some quiet time) I get this effect. My mind starts quiet then becomes "busy" with thoughts, sounds, voices, and conversations, that just get continually louder and more intense. It is enough that I don't hear what is going on around me. All of this will continue to build, mixing together, and then, like someone flipping a switch it all stops dead in its tracks and you snapped back into reality. What was intense noise is now overwhelming silence.
Let's see, what is another example.....ah, ok, something on the television, maybe something with a lot of action that is loud. So you have noise, visual changes, background all happening at once. To make it more realistic, you are watching this in the dark so your whole focus is on the program. Then without notice, the TV shuts off, and now all you have to hear is the ticking of the clock on the wall. It is an abrupt contrast without warning and throws you a bit.
It is kind of unsettling to experience, yet I have dealt with it for so many years, it is just how things are. Have you ever been laying in bed and you are almost asleep and suddenly it feels like the ground has dropped out from under you? Yah, it's kind of like that.
What gets hard is when it happens and I don't get the sudden stop - it just keeps building and building. This gets interesting because it will set off the anxiety (and sometimes panic) and then in an effort to get it quieted down, the self-destructive desires start kicking in. Thus, another facet of the "I will make this stop one way or the other" scenario. I must get that thousand-yard-stare when this happens as when I am around others and it happens, I usually get a question like "where were you?" I sure wish I knew, I would try to stay away from there!
With the anxiety less today, my mind has been running at full speed trying to make sense of things, find answers and triggers, evaluate situations, and more. If I can just find some kind of pattern to all of this, if I can just see what the path is, maybe I can figure out how to control it better. Don't think I am ever going to make it stop (yah, pretty much given up on that dream) yet maybe I can catch it earlier or calm it quicker when it gets intense.
Still waking up anxious. Today I just accepted that this might be how it is for a while, so I laid there and just tried to relax. Sometimes when you try hard to relax, you make it worse. Still don't get that one. I go through my mindfulness catalog. I try to recognize what I am feeling, what the intensity is, what is happening physically, what is going on in my mind. Then I just give it my best shot to try and bring it down - breathe and unclench my jaw, relax my body, feel my heart slow down. Some days it works, sometimes it doesn't. No matter the success or failure, the one thing I cannot allow myself to do is stay there for a long period of time - I have to get up. I have to keep getting up. If I stop getting up, I will be too close to that point of no return.
Tomorrow is a new day and a new start. Yah, I say that a lot these days. I can, it is true. I hope for a good night's sleep without the horrible dreams, and a morning without waking up hyperventilating. As bad as I am hurting tonight, I think I am finally going to open the bottle of muscle relaxers and indulge (as directed).
What was the cool quote from my food app today...."No matter how long you need to heal, you are not weak."
Although I may not feel it a lot these days, I am still strong.
For the moment, my mind is quiet. I find myself sitting and staring off, not thinking about anything really, just daydreaming I guess. Couldn't tell you what I am thinking about when I do that, it is like things just go into their own place.
Have you ever been near a washer while it is spinning out and you have the loud sound of the washer (especially if it is an old one like mine) and you have the vibrations from the spinning that you can feel through the floor - in other words, a bit noisy and a lot of hyper-sensory going on. And then when the washer stops, it is like the silence is almost deafening because there is such a contrast. This is how the "noise" in my mind is sometimes.
Most times when I am trying to relax (whether it is trying to fall asleep or just taking some quiet time) I get this effect. My mind starts quiet then becomes "busy" with thoughts, sounds, voices, and conversations, that just get continually louder and more intense. It is enough that I don't hear what is going on around me. All of this will continue to build, mixing together, and then, like someone flipping a switch it all stops dead in its tracks and you snapped back into reality. What was intense noise is now overwhelming silence.
Let's see, what is another example.....ah, ok, something on the television, maybe something with a lot of action that is loud. So you have noise, visual changes, background all happening at once. To make it more realistic, you are watching this in the dark so your whole focus is on the program. Then without notice, the TV shuts off, and now all you have to hear is the ticking of the clock on the wall. It is an abrupt contrast without warning and throws you a bit.
It is kind of unsettling to experience, yet I have dealt with it for so many years, it is just how things are. Have you ever been laying in bed and you are almost asleep and suddenly it feels like the ground has dropped out from under you? Yah, it's kind of like that.
What gets hard is when it happens and I don't get the sudden stop - it just keeps building and building. This gets interesting because it will set off the anxiety (and sometimes panic) and then in an effort to get it quieted down, the self-destructive desires start kicking in. Thus, another facet of the "I will make this stop one way or the other" scenario. I must get that thousand-yard-stare when this happens as when I am around others and it happens, I usually get a question like "where were you?" I sure wish I knew, I would try to stay away from there!
With the anxiety less today, my mind has been running at full speed trying to make sense of things, find answers and triggers, evaluate situations, and more. If I can just find some kind of pattern to all of this, if I can just see what the path is, maybe I can figure out how to control it better. Don't think I am ever going to make it stop (yah, pretty much given up on that dream) yet maybe I can catch it earlier or calm it quicker when it gets intense.
Still waking up anxious. Today I just accepted that this might be how it is for a while, so I laid there and just tried to relax. Sometimes when you try hard to relax, you make it worse. Still don't get that one. I go through my mindfulness catalog. I try to recognize what I am feeling, what the intensity is, what is happening physically, what is going on in my mind. Then I just give it my best shot to try and bring it down - breathe and unclench my jaw, relax my body, feel my heart slow down. Some days it works, sometimes it doesn't. No matter the success or failure, the one thing I cannot allow myself to do is stay there for a long period of time - I have to get up. I have to keep getting up. If I stop getting up, I will be too close to that point of no return.
Tomorrow is a new day and a new start. Yah, I say that a lot these days. I can, it is true. I hope for a good night's sleep without the horrible dreams, and a morning without waking up hyperventilating. As bad as I am hurting tonight, I think I am finally going to open the bottle of muscle relaxers and indulge (as directed).
What was the cool quote from my food app today...."No matter how long you need to heal, you are not weak."
Although I may not feel it a lot these days, I am still strong.