Get stronger
I am continually learning things that I should have already known. For example, if I want to function past the noon hour, do not take three muscle relaxers when I go to bed the night before then get up early. Nothing positive came from it - muscles still hurt, and I still had nightmares. I tried.
Got to thinking earlier how over the past many months I have recognized the correlation between my physical and emotional health. If I am doing well physically, I seem to battle the emotional stuff better. I don't think it is a matter of more or less vulnerable (although that is true too) it is just the ability to cope and manage.
I am trying to find acceptance with where I have landed lately emotionally. Knowing that when I am physically down, the darkness takes advantage, I can honestly blame myself for a part of this. Again, hard to ask for or accept help when you know you are where you are because you didn't think. Ok, to be fair, it really isn't about thinking. I would say I always put a lot of thoughts into my actions, it's the choice to act on those thoughts that comes back to bite me.
So what do I do with that? I think it is pretty simple - I have to get stronger physically. I have to get my focus back on my endurance and my strength. Unfortunately, that means trying even harder with the nutrition and eating issues. It is kind of a "need to do" over a "want to do". I'm tired of staring at my bike sitting there there gathering dust. I hate 3:00 rolling around and I hear the athletes going out on the afternoon ride. I hate knowing there is another 5k this weekend that I will miss (most likely). And the being exhausted all the time has gotten old.
Seems I am having a "be extra hard on yourself" day. It's ok, I hope it will result in better motivation. Sometimes it doesn't matter what I feel like doing (or not doing) it is what I have to do. If getting better physically can take a large edge off the emotional stuff, then it is kind of a no-brainer. I also know the busier I can keep myself, the more distracted I can stay.
I'm thinking somewhere in there it has to be a win-win situation. I really just feel like throwing my arms in the air and screaming, "I don't know what I'm doing!!" Yes, if I were to actually do that I am sure there would be a few expletives in there as well.
Oh well, what do you do? It feels like my emotional self is getting a non-stop ass whooping and I am struggling to throw a punch back at whatever is attacking. Knowing that what I feel/perceive is most likely very different from reality, I only find myself a bit more confused at times.
It will be ok, things will settle down. They always do. It has just been a while since it was this intense for such an extended time. New ways of looking at and dealing with it makes it completely a different scenario than before. It still wears me down the same though....or at least feels like it.
Got to thinking earlier how over the past many months I have recognized the correlation between my physical and emotional health. If I am doing well physically, I seem to battle the emotional stuff better. I don't think it is a matter of more or less vulnerable (although that is true too) it is just the ability to cope and manage.
I am trying to find acceptance with where I have landed lately emotionally. Knowing that when I am physically down, the darkness takes advantage, I can honestly blame myself for a part of this. Again, hard to ask for or accept help when you know you are where you are because you didn't think. Ok, to be fair, it really isn't about thinking. I would say I always put a lot of thoughts into my actions, it's the choice to act on those thoughts that comes back to bite me.
So what do I do with that? I think it is pretty simple - I have to get stronger physically. I have to get my focus back on my endurance and my strength. Unfortunately, that means trying even harder with the nutrition and eating issues. It is kind of a "need to do" over a "want to do". I'm tired of staring at my bike sitting there there gathering dust. I hate 3:00 rolling around and I hear the athletes going out on the afternoon ride. I hate knowing there is another 5k this weekend that I will miss (most likely). And the being exhausted all the time has gotten old.
Seems I am having a "be extra hard on yourself" day. It's ok, I hope it will result in better motivation. Sometimes it doesn't matter what I feel like doing (or not doing) it is what I have to do. If getting better physically can take a large edge off the emotional stuff, then it is kind of a no-brainer. I also know the busier I can keep myself, the more distracted I can stay.
I'm thinking somewhere in there it has to be a win-win situation. I really just feel like throwing my arms in the air and screaming, "I don't know what I'm doing!!" Yes, if I were to actually do that I am sure there would be a few expletives in there as well.
Oh well, what do you do? It feels like my emotional self is getting a non-stop ass whooping and I am struggling to throw a punch back at whatever is attacking. Knowing that what I feel/perceive is most likely very different from reality, I only find myself a bit more confused at times.
It will be ok, things will settle down. They always do. It has just been a while since it was this intense for such an extended time. New ways of looking at and dealing with it makes it completely a different scenario than before. It still wears me down the same though....or at least feels like it.