Checking in

Hey Blewy

Hey there.

You've been sitting here a while, you ok?

Yah, just looking around the empty gym and thinking.

Will you share with me what is on your mind? Like, what do you know about this gym? Is it a familiar place or just a plain old gym?

Oh, it is no ordinary gym, never been. This is the gym from my middle school days. Not sure why, yet when I have tried to imagine the rowdy kids and the loudness, this is where it is. Seems a little ironic as, even though I really did not care for middle school, a lot of great things happened in this gym. I played ball in this gym and 10 years later would return and coach here. Ok, so memories of PE class are not exactly top of the list, yet I will take all the ball ones. Band was up there on the stage, another great moment in time. I played flute then. You know, there was this room up top of the stage, like there was this door that went to some space that was above the locker rooms. We always wondered what was up there and even when I came back I used to look up at that door and wonder what was up there. Still have no clue.

When all the kids were in here making noise, where were you? Were you up on the stage? 

No, I was here, in the bleachers. In grade school we had these too, the ones you pull out. They go in and out now mechanically with a key over there on the wall. I can't remember when I was in school here if they were manual or not. You know, that has been a few years. I was here in the middle, toward the top. I could see the whole gym floor if I focused in the right place. There were always so many kids in here. Some were running, some were shooting baskets, some just talking, others laughing. They didn't know they were causing me distress, they were just doing their thing, then again, seems middle schools kids are pretty oblivious to a lot of things. 

Sometimes, when I wasn't trying to get the noise to stop or quiet down, I would sit and watch. Such a diverse group of kids who all seem to have no cares in the world. I wondered how many of them had secrets. How many of them were struggling themselves. How many were making noise to try and drown out their own minds. As I have become more aware of timelines in my own life, I find myself wondering about others. I hid things very well, how many others did too?

It is odd, things being so empty, so quiet. Once in a while someone runs through. I assume they didn't get the memo that everyone went home. It is like they take a lap around the gym then take off. I'm ok with that, as long as they don't set up shop here or bring too many people with them. 

I need to get up and move. It's not doing me any good to just sit here and look around. There was a time I was afraid to get up and move, now there is nothing stopping me. That is a little scary. 

What is it that makes it scary?

It is like starting all over again. Well, guess it isn't "like" is really is. You know what I feel like? I feel like I did when I got out of the hospital. It was like my whole world had been flipped. Now, at least this round I have a place to go and a job and no unhealthy relationship yet there is a lot of similarity. I remember standing out in my front lawn looking around not only wondering where I was going to go yet I felt like I didn't even know how to interact with the world anymore. 

Maybe that is the piece that is similar. All this healing, learning, experiencing, changing. When I get away from the routine things of the day - work, church, etc - I don't know what to do, I am not sure how to interact with life. Having the whole world ahead of you is not always the most comforting thing. I find myself with a lot of "what do I do now" thoughts. Choices I would have made previously really don't apply anymore, and yet I made those choices for so long that I do not seem to remember what the other options are. I guess I will figure it out in time. 

How's the medication adjustment going? You still ok with taking it?

It is getting better. I really do think that the drunk feeling is just adjustment. I guess if it is messing around with chemicals in my brain, then that is to be expected. It was better yesterday and today it doesn't seem to be kicking in as early. I did take my meds about an hour or so later than I have been. That was pretty scary last Wednesday night. Would prefer not to find myself in that spot again. I'm still tired, yet it does not seem to be as strong as earlier in the week. Then again, I did take a 3 hour nap earlier. I will have to say, I am watching the clock waiting for bed time to roll around.

I really cannot explain what kind of a blessing it is to have my mind so quiet. Even though it is taking some real adjusting too, it is so peaceful. I was thinking last night that I might actually be able to do my prayers and scripture study really well again. As my mind kept getting louder and louder, I had such a hard time keeping focus that I would get frustrated and just give up trying. You know, it is heartbreaking to be such a spiritual person and not be able to communicate with God like you want to. I do the best I can, and that is all we are asked to do. I don't think God is mad at me about it, yet I imagine He is waiting for me to take advantage of the quietness and come talk to Him. Even that is scary after such a long time.

The anxiety has really minimized. When I go to do something, I don't seem to be having the "war" in my head that usually happens. The demons are quiet. I am sure that they are not gone, just quieted. I have started to get some things done around here that have been neglected and I start to get after myself because I am not getting a lot done in a quick amount of time. I then take a deep breath and tell myself that this is not a race and there is no time limit. If I can just be doing something, then that is more than hiding out and beating myself up for not doing anything. It will come together and things will eventually get finished. 

Although the anxiety is less, the panic has stepped up a bit. I figure that comes with the unfamiliarity of where I am emotionally. Change is not really my best attribute to deal with. During the daytime I seem to do well when it happens, just acknowledging it and moving on, remembering my "in this moment am I ok" thoughts. It is having fun at night though. I'm waking myself up in a panic, doing the "where am I" thoughts. Sometimes it is hard to get back to sleep. Last night, I just curled up as tight as I could and wound up Teddy Bear. That seemed to help a lot. I have started dreaming again. I am sure I was dreaming this past week, I just didn't remember it and I usually remember that I dreamed even if I don't remember the details. It's all about adjustments and that is what I am going with for the peace of dealing with it all. 

I try not to go to the place of "what if this doesn't last" and just take what I have right now. Maybe if I keep getting stronger now, then if the gym opens back up for business I will be able to deal with it different. 

How's your sword? You haven't talked about it much.

I have it and keep it close. Not as good with it as you are, yet maybe in time. I have to keep remembering that I am just as good of a person without the sword as I think I am with it. Not ready to give it up anytime soon though. 

What's next for you?

I have no clue. Just trying to keep moving forward and taking new chances on things. There is so much I have avoided because of either fear, anxiety, or panic. Not that I have to go save the world, yet it is ok to step out and about. Cannot wait for the weather to change, am ready for sunshine...with warmth. Maybe try to get an extra hug here and there, you know me and my hugs.

Hey, you aren't leaving me are you?

Didn't I say I wasn't going anywhere and that I have you?

Yes, you did.