Deep Breath and Prayer

It's Friday....oh wait, it's Saturday. One of the issues with holiday breaks, you totally lose track of time. I actually had to drag Tess out of bed today instead of the other way. Every time I asked her about getting up, she crawled up in the corner and went back to sleep. Smart dog. In the end I used the one technique that works every time....."are you hungry?" Yah, that always works. And now she is snoozing on the couch. It would appear that being lazy is the protocol for the day. I can handle that easily. I have been trying hard to stay on the side of healthy this break - it has been work and I have done it. As much as it may be a struggle (one that I am doing well with), I keep waiting for some little light in mist. Yes, I have had some good moments, time with family and missionaries, yet I had hoped there would be that little something that said to me, "yah, it's going to be ok." Maybe that is selfish of me to want that, yet you know, you fight and...

Fixing computers is not too hard, just time consuming. A call from a lady from church last night asking if I could take a look at her computer today. She explains that it locked up, so she kept pushing buttons and then this one that said restore came up and she hit it, and now she can't find anything. Needless to say, she reformatted the hard drive. I will sit here at her kitchen table for the next 3-4 hours in an attempt to restore everything she erased. It gets me out of the house. There was a reason I told Chris my goal was not to sleep all day. Each day is getting harder and harder to keep that goal. I lay in bed telling myself, "get up, you have to get up" and it is almost like being frozen.... To move feels like it will take so much energy that I won't survive. It is quite frustrating. Then, if I do well and get up and about, I have no desire to go out of the house. Although it is better than past years, it bothers me to know that this is something I will fight ...

I finally finished the chapter on the protective parent and I am still at a loss. I don't understand how to be that role. Based on what we learned in class last round, the question becomes, do I not know because I don't have the information or do I just not know how to use the information I have. I really think this time it is the first. I don't know if I have the tools. If I do, I don't seem to recognize that I do. I know that my definition of protecting the kids is to surround them, provide a barrier between them and danger. I think that is my definition because that has always been my desire. When danger was present or I felt threatened, I wanted someone or something to step between me and the threat. That did not always happen and many times because I did not know how to express that I was in trouble. One cannot help when they don't know help is needed. I struggle not to jump to a conclusion that my being a victim to danger and threats are my own fault because I...

Tess has the right idea, curl up in the blankets and snooze away. Oh I am sure I will end up taking a nap at some point, have not seemed to miss a day yet. As I realize that I have got to get my tail out of the house, I have started to fill my calendar a little. I will have the boys for a bit tonight and tomorrow night as well as next Monday and Tuesday night. Am going to try and do some visiting as well while I am off. Been compiling my Finding Blewy blog today. With the Fight the Fight blog, I copied the posts into a document and then printed it out and put it in a binder. I would always have it that way and seeing that it essentially my journal, it was nice to have the printed copy. I have wanted to do the same with this one, yet just haven't and now with over 150 posts, it has grown quite large. Seeing that there is not anything I HAVE to do, I can start getting it copied over into a document as well. Although I am not reading each post, there is some scanning through them as I...

C'mon Blewy, you can do this. It's not even officially "break" yet and I'm fighting it. I have even backed off of wanting to have a good holiday break and am just going for having one that isn't bad. I will take neutral and uneventful, seriously. If the next two weeks are going to be like the last two days, I think I would like to go back to work in the morning. Anxiety is rolling around freely, which I had expected. Seeing that I keep wanting to default to past memories and thoughts, the unfamiliar unknown is playing out nicely. That is ok. I got tools for dealing with that. The agitation, that is a different story...wasn't ready for that one. The two together? I think someone is trying to destroy me one emotion at a time. I thought about emailing Lynn and seeing if there was anything she could prescribe for the next few weeks to take the edge of it all off, yet I hesitate to do so. Not that I think she won't do it, I just don't know if I can take...