Making it

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Fixing computers is not too hard, just time consuming. A call from a lady from church last night asking if I could take a look at her computer today. She explains that it locked up, so she kept pushing buttons and then this one that said restore came up and she hit it, and now she can't find anything. Needless to say, she reformatted the hard drive. I will sit here at her kitchen table for the next 3-4 hours in an attempt to restore everything she erased.

It gets me out of the house. There was a reason I told Chris my goal was not to sleep all day. Each day is getting harder and harder to keep that goal. I lay in bed telling myself, "get up, you have to get up" and it is almost like being frozen.... To move feels like it will take so much energy that I won't survive. It is quite frustrating. Then, if I do well and get up and about, I have no desire to go out of the house.

Although it is better than past years, it bothers me to know that this is something I will fight my whole life. It makes me glad I am single as I would not want someone else, especially someone I care about, to have to put up with my issues.

Another holiday is over. There were some rough moments in there yet I know it may take years to get a full "good" holiday. I spent a few hours with the missionaries on Christmas Eve morning and went that evening to the boy's grandparents to watch them open gifts. Christmas morning went to Joe's to watch them open gifts and then last night got to see my best friend for a few hours. It was nice to have Lora with us for the morning, that has never happened before.

The alone times seem harder this year for some reason. More time to think I guess, ponder over life and stuff. Plus, no escaping with the help of a handful of pills. Yup, I have had to face and feel emotions this round and it has been a little overwhelming at times. Needless to say if I were not fixing this computer, I would be home asleep.

I am fighting though, as much of a struggle it has been, I feel I am staying on top of it. I remind myself that, even though there may be things I would like (like having a traditional holiday meal with friends or family) it really is ok that they don't happen. Sometimes I am still looking for the fairy tale.

I made it though, and I will continue to make it. Look how far I came this year, maybe this next year I will do even better. Meanwhile 1+ hour down on computer, several to go. Wonder if I will get dinner out of this??

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