Protective parent
I finally finished the chapter on the protective parent and I am still at a loss. I don't understand how to be that role. Based on what we learned in class last round, the question becomes, do I not know because I don't have the information or do I just not know how to use the information I have. I really think this time it is the first. I don't know if I have the tools. If I do, I don't seem to recognize that I do.
I know that my definition of protecting the kids is to surround them, provide a barrier between them and danger. I think that is my definition because that has always been my desire. When danger was present or I felt threatened, I wanted someone or something to step between me and the threat. That did not always happen and many times because I did not know how to express that I was in trouble. One cannot help when they don't know help is needed. I struggle not to jump to a conclusion that my being a victim to danger and threats are my own fault because I failed to express that I needed help. I think Chris would ask if I had the skills to ask for help, which the answer would be no. I am guessing her reply would be to the effect of, "how can you be responsible for something you didn't know how to do."
One exercise in the chapter is a dialog asking the kids where and how they need protection. Each time I come around to this I find the same things coming out. The one who always steps forward is Christopher. The comments are always similar -I need you to believe in yourself. I need you to not doubt yourself. I need you to not want to punish yourself for things that are not your fault. These things are said with anger and frustration in the voice.
The tone then shifts to a more innocent level....I need you to teach me how to not hurt you, it is how I learned to protect you because you couldn't protect yourself. I don't know how else to act. I need you to reassure me that I can be who I am and there is nothing wrong with me because of that. I need you to teach me to love as my action, not hurt.
And this is where I cave. The irony is that as much as they need me to teach them to love, I need them to remind me that I have it in me to fight and protect. I am not sure how to be a protective parent. I don't have a lot of practice in fighting for what I want. I have always felt I was not deserving, therefore why fight? When I did try to fight, it was so unfamiliar feeling that it scared me. As well, there are still some very strong memories of when I did try to stand up for myself (and they were legit situations) and I was not only invalidated, I was made to feel that the behavior was wrong. It became easier...and safer...to not fight. It is kind of like when you apologize for something that is not your fault just to avoid contention and/or confrontation.
As I sit and think about things while writing this, there was a time I used to fight for myself. Maybe far from the level that I should or could have, and yet I did it. With that, maybe I do have a part of the knowledge and skill, I have just forgotten how to do it. I start to question myself, when did I quit. When did I go from fighting even a small bit to giving in? It comes around to that one event that so much of my adult life is connected to....the hospital.
For years, even though I had that piece in me who was hurting myself, at least I had a little fire in my own actions. I never knew failure or defeat until after the abuse, not until I dropped out of school. That moment weakened a feeling (whether realistic or not) of invincibility and confidence. It shattered a protective wall I had built to do all I could to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. I stepped back and the kids picked up the slack.
In just under 10 years I would keep trying to build that wall back up only to watch it fall down time and time again. There would be times better than others, like my mission, and then it all just went to hell.
I am not joking when I make comments about my life being separated by that week in the hospital. Whatever protective parent that might have existed prior, was gone....or lost. Whatever happened to it, I am finding it very difficult to locate and learn it again. For years, that was fine, yet now the kids need me to step up again and I don't understand how. I wonder if Chris can help me on this one.
I know that my definition of protecting the kids is to surround them, provide a barrier between them and danger. I think that is my definition because that has always been my desire. When danger was present or I felt threatened, I wanted someone or something to step between me and the threat. That did not always happen and many times because I did not know how to express that I was in trouble. One cannot help when they don't know help is needed. I struggle not to jump to a conclusion that my being a victim to danger and threats are my own fault because I failed to express that I needed help. I think Chris would ask if I had the skills to ask for help, which the answer would be no. I am guessing her reply would be to the effect of, "how can you be responsible for something you didn't know how to do."
One exercise in the chapter is a dialog asking the kids where and how they need protection. Each time I come around to this I find the same things coming out. The one who always steps forward is Christopher. The comments are always similar -I need you to believe in yourself. I need you to not doubt yourself. I need you to not want to punish yourself for things that are not your fault. These things are said with anger and frustration in the voice.
The tone then shifts to a more innocent level....I need you to teach me how to not hurt you, it is how I learned to protect you because you couldn't protect yourself. I don't know how else to act. I need you to reassure me that I can be who I am and there is nothing wrong with me because of that. I need you to teach me to love as my action, not hurt.
And this is where I cave. The irony is that as much as they need me to teach them to love, I need them to remind me that I have it in me to fight and protect. I am not sure how to be a protective parent. I don't have a lot of practice in fighting for what I want. I have always felt I was not deserving, therefore why fight? When I did try to fight, it was so unfamiliar feeling that it scared me. As well, there are still some very strong memories of when I did try to stand up for myself (and they were legit situations) and I was not only invalidated, I was made to feel that the behavior was wrong. It became easier...and safer...to not fight. It is kind of like when you apologize for something that is not your fault just to avoid contention and/or confrontation.
As I sit and think about things while writing this, there was a time I used to fight for myself. Maybe far from the level that I should or could have, and yet I did it. With that, maybe I do have a part of the knowledge and skill, I have just forgotten how to do it. I start to question myself, when did I quit. When did I go from fighting even a small bit to giving in? It comes around to that one event that so much of my adult life is connected to....the hospital.
For years, even though I had that piece in me who was hurting myself, at least I had a little fire in my own actions. I never knew failure or defeat until after the abuse, not until I dropped out of school. That moment weakened a feeling (whether realistic or not) of invincibility and confidence. It shattered a protective wall I had built to do all I could to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. I stepped back and the kids picked up the slack.
In just under 10 years I would keep trying to build that wall back up only to watch it fall down time and time again. There would be times better than others, like my mission, and then it all just went to hell.
I am not joking when I make comments about my life being separated by that week in the hospital. Whatever protective parent that might have existed prior, was gone....or lost. Whatever happened to it, I am finding it very difficult to locate and learn it again. For years, that was fine, yet now the kids need me to step up again and I don't understand how. I wonder if Chris can help me on this one.