No more numbers
It has been a pretty full afternoon. I finally slowed down about 8 while working on a friend's computer. I knew I had "stopped long enough to breathe" as I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I react to anxiety a lot different now. Instead of letting it overwhelm me and take control, I generally think to myself, "oh, well, look at that" and take a deep breath or two. That is what I did earlier. Just took a few breaths, acknowledged the anxiety, reminded myself that I knew what it was being triggered by, told myself I would address it later, then kept working on the computer.
I was able to meet with my old nutritionist this afternoon. I am so glad I followed my desire to hunt her down as it was a great meeting. We caught up on things, talked about my getting healthy journey and surgery. When I was seeing her, I had been looking into surgery and my insurance at the time had so many hoops to jump through that it just became too much. Actually, that is why I started seeing her was because I had to be seeing a nutritionist regularly. I showed her my photo from the walk back in 2011 and she just shook her head in amazement. [I actually showed the same photo to my psychiatrist earlier in the day then had to convince her that it was really me.]
I shared my struggles with eating and nutrition and how I just wasn't seeming to get back on top of it after surgery. It felt like what the routine was that I had before was not working now, it was like I was not understating something. Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I shared my worries and concerns and the habits I had realized I was doing and denying.
As we were talking, she was expressing different things that I was relating to really well. I finally asked, "So, even though it is unhealthy, it seems that my mode of thought is normal?" She responded that, yes, I was normal. Ok, so it was normal for someone with eating issues/eating disorders, and yet I found a little comfort in this idea that I wasn't crazy for how I was thinking or feeling. She was glad to hear I was in the DBT class, and seeing a therapist. She encouraged me to keep doing what I needed to in order to get healthy emotionally with this. I told her I felt like there were all these different facets to it all and it just wasn't lining up correctly. She told me that I was correct, there were many parts involved.
I expressed how I felt I needed help with the numbers, I didn't seem to understand healthy ranges for calories, nutrients, and things like that. I had printed off my food diary (food lists and nutritional information) to show her to get some feedback on my eating choices. She took a look at it and then took her pen and drew a huge X through the numbers part. She told me, no more numbers. Said to keep a list of what I eat, when I eat, and how I felt after I ate, and do not record or look at the nutritional information. She explained that people with eating issues/disorders get obsessed with the numbers and those numbers only fuel the unhealthy behaviors (ie, reaching a calorie limit then not eating the rest of the day).
She asked how often I weighed myself. I responded at least twice a day. She told me my first piece of homework was to get rid of the scales. She said to throw them out, don't put them in another room because it is too tempting. Destroy them and get rid of them. Again, break the number habit. I told her I could do that and that I would send her proof that I destroyed them. She added that if I was somewhere I had to get weighed, like a medical appointment, stand backwards on the scale and ask them not to tell me what it said.
She also told me to quit reading food labels. I chuckled and then admitted how I did that too. I made note of my shopping experience the other night and how I did that most of the way through the store and by the time I got to produce I was done with the experience.
We talked about the social impact of things. I shared how I had quit going out to luncheons and avoiding most things where food was involved. She said I had to stop that, adding that was classic behavior and I would only end up isolating myself and making myself feel guilty even more. She told me to go out, be in social environments where there is food, don't worry about what others might think, and trust myself. I kept thinking - opposite action!
She gave me five goals to work on. She noted that even though they sounded simple, they would not be easy and yet she knew I would be able to handle them. She encouraged me to pick one to really focus on, work on it and get a little mastery, then start adding the others. The goals were:
She told me that she was talking to a friend about how I had contacted her and asked for her help. The friend asked if she was going to meet with me and she said that she told her yes. Added that apparently she had made some impression on me in the past that I remembered her and hunted her down. Then she smiled and said, "One. At least I know out of the hundreds of people I saw, I made an impression with one." I just replied, "Yes, you really did."
So earlier tonight, it kind of hit me. When I wake up tomorrow, it is a new day and a new pattern of eating. It is changing thought patterns away from the numbers (how many calories is this, how many carbs is that...) and toward asking myself if what I am eating is a healthy choice and a healthy portion. It is like having my security blanket taken away (even though it was an unhealthy blanket).
I would be lying if I said I was not a little scared and apprehensive. Even with that, I know I will do just fine. It will be a change just like everything else has been - one moment at a time. She reminded me several times not to beat myself up over the fact that I was where I was with my eating or that I was asking for help.
Deep breath in, hold it, let it out slowly. New day, new habits. No more numbers.
I was able to meet with my old nutritionist this afternoon. I am so glad I followed my desire to hunt her down as it was a great meeting. We caught up on things, talked about my getting healthy journey and surgery. When I was seeing her, I had been looking into surgery and my insurance at the time had so many hoops to jump through that it just became too much. Actually, that is why I started seeing her was because I had to be seeing a nutritionist regularly. I showed her my photo from the walk back in 2011 and she just shook her head in amazement. [I actually showed the same photo to my psychiatrist earlier in the day then had to convince her that it was really me.]
I shared my struggles with eating and nutrition and how I just wasn't seeming to get back on top of it after surgery. It felt like what the routine was that I had before was not working now, it was like I was not understating something. Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I shared my worries and concerns and the habits I had realized I was doing and denying.
As we were talking, she was expressing different things that I was relating to really well. I finally asked, "So, even though it is unhealthy, it seems that my mode of thought is normal?" She responded that, yes, I was normal. Ok, so it was normal for someone with eating issues/eating disorders, and yet I found a little comfort in this idea that I wasn't crazy for how I was thinking or feeling. She was glad to hear I was in the DBT class, and seeing a therapist. She encouraged me to keep doing what I needed to in order to get healthy emotionally with this. I told her I felt like there were all these different facets to it all and it just wasn't lining up correctly. She told me that I was correct, there were many parts involved.
I expressed how I felt I needed help with the numbers, I didn't seem to understand healthy ranges for calories, nutrients, and things like that. I had printed off my food diary (food lists and nutritional information) to show her to get some feedback on my eating choices. She took a look at it and then took her pen and drew a huge X through the numbers part. She told me, no more numbers. Said to keep a list of what I eat, when I eat, and how I felt after I ate, and do not record or look at the nutritional information. She explained that people with eating issues/disorders get obsessed with the numbers and those numbers only fuel the unhealthy behaviors (ie, reaching a calorie limit then not eating the rest of the day).
She asked how often I weighed myself. I responded at least twice a day. She told me my first piece of homework was to get rid of the scales. She said to throw them out, don't put them in another room because it is too tempting. Destroy them and get rid of them. Again, break the number habit. I told her I could do that and that I would send her proof that I destroyed them. She added that if I was somewhere I had to get weighed, like a medical appointment, stand backwards on the scale and ask them not to tell me what it said.
She also told me to quit reading food labels. I chuckled and then admitted how I did that too. I made note of my shopping experience the other night and how I did that most of the way through the store and by the time I got to produce I was done with the experience.
We talked about the social impact of things. I shared how I had quit going out to luncheons and avoiding most things where food was involved. She said I had to stop that, adding that was classic behavior and I would only end up isolating myself and making myself feel guilty even more. She told me to go out, be in social environments where there is food, don't worry about what others might think, and trust myself. I kept thinking - opposite action!
She gave me five goals to work on. She noted that even though they sounded simple, they would not be easy and yet she knew I would be able to handle them. She encouraged me to pick one to really focus on, work on it and get a little mastery, then start adding the others. The goals were:
- Keeping a food diary of only what I ate, when I ate, and how I felt afterwards - no numbers.
- Work to develop consistent eating times - try to eat around the same time each day
- Eat a carbohydrate, protein, and fat at every meal and snack
- Don't buy "trigger" foods
- Stop reading food labels
She told me that she was talking to a friend about how I had contacted her and asked for her help. The friend asked if she was going to meet with me and she said that she told her yes. Added that apparently she had made some impression on me in the past that I remembered her and hunted her down. Then she smiled and said, "One. At least I know out of the hundreds of people I saw, I made an impression with one." I just replied, "Yes, you really did."
So earlier tonight, it kind of hit me. When I wake up tomorrow, it is a new day and a new pattern of eating. It is changing thought patterns away from the numbers (how many calories is this, how many carbs is that...) and toward asking myself if what I am eating is a healthy choice and a healthy portion. It is like having my security blanket taken away (even though it was an unhealthy blanket).
I would be lying if I said I was not a little scared and apprehensive. Even with that, I know I will do just fine. It will be a change just like everything else has been - one moment at a time. She reminded me several times not to beat myself up over the fact that I was where I was with my eating or that I was asking for help.
Deep breath in, hold it, let it out slowly. New day, new habits. No more numbers.