Deep Breath and Prayer

There are some posts I have been wanting to write in regards to the "inner child" work I have been doing and I just have not figured out how I wanted to do it yet. I have all these thoughts and pictures in my head and just have not come up with a way to share it. I don't want things to just sit dormant in a folder, you know it is a lot of learning and a whole ton of healing that has come from it. Maybe, down the line, somebody can benefit from what I have done. And, even if not, when I revisit things I am always strengthened and learn more. It is for me just as much. I have a few posts in the past about this, before it I learned it really was something real. It started when Tami explained to me that there was still a part in me, that little kid, who saw things in black and white, life and death, and that part of me was still trying to "protect" me even though I did not need protecting. That concept and the thoughts and conclusions that stemmed from it changed my...

Let me explain how it happens sometimes....I am just doing routine things and then, in an unexpected moment, it hits...the anxiety, as if out of no where. I love these moments. Had a full day today, yet a good day. Lots of thinking and yet still got a lot done. Home a bit early, fixed food, and sat watching television with Tess crawled up on my lap. Seriously, calm and uneventful. I got up a bit ago to go put the laundry from the washer to the dryer. I packed my arms up with part of the load, took it back to the dryer, threw it in, turned around, took three steps, and then was hit by that "rush" that catches me off guard. Close enough to the washer, I grab it and hang on. In my mind the thought starts up, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe" and panic sets in. For a moment I wonder if I can stay standing. It happens so fast. I stand there, shaking, trying to get my breath. I start to tell myself, "you are ok, you are ok, you are ok." I fear that if I...

I deserve a pat on the back from myself - I know, that is really a big step for me to say something like that. I did good the other night at class, made a little stride forward. Let me see if I can explain. Let's do a little rewinding to have a bit of background here. I don't share a whole lot in class - I didn't last year and even though I am a little better at it, I still do not do a whole lot this year. There are some reasons for this, possibly myths, yet reasons. Tami often would ask if I shared more in class, especially if I was struggling with something. I would tell her no and then she would just look at me and say, "isn't that the point of group? to learn from each other?" Aside from some residual "group therapy" format anxiety, other reasons include: who wants to hear what I have to say - I have a hard time believing that my experiences or thoughts are such that someone could benefit from them. people will think I talk to much - the infamous...

Took Tess out and noticed how light it was. That usually means one thing and as I looked up, there was the full moon in its glory. That just adds all the fun and flavor of craziness to my current state of insanity. As I gazed at it, I stood there with my arms crossed around myself and just kept saying over and over, "please make it stop." I did ok at church today. I went late, just for primary time. I did not feel like being social nor around a lot of people. It was hard, yet I got through it. Those who "know" recognized immediately that I was just hanging on. Was not much they could do and their concern was appreciated. I was excited though because I knew once church was over, I would be headed out of town for the day. An afternoon with my friend would help. Catching up, laughing, talking about scary things of life, it was going to be a "healing for the soul" kind of visit...and long overdue. Thank you nasty weather for screwing up those plans. I screamed...