Pat on the back
I deserve a pat on the back from myself - I know, that is really a big step for me to say something like that. I did good the other night at class, made a little stride forward. Let me see if I can explain.
Let's do a little rewinding to have a bit of background here. I don't share a whole lot in class - I didn't last year and even though I am a little better at it, I still do not do a whole lot this year. There are some reasons for this, possibly myths, yet reasons. Tami often would ask if I shared more in class, especially if I was struggling with something. I would tell her no and then she would just look at me and say, "isn't that the point of group? to learn from each other?"
Aside from some residual "group therapy" format anxiety, other reasons include:
It isn't that I never have anything to say. Many times I have thoughts and ideas. When someone shares in class and it is asked if anyone has anything they would like to share that might help, I always have something I want to say, although I usually don't.
This past week we had a really great discussion in group. Not sure if it was because we were smaller or because the majority of us were alumni, yet it was good. I shared a bit, yet still held back. In my mind I kept playing a game with myself. I had relevant things I wanted to share yet I would tell myself to shut up, let others share. I was fighting with maybe what I would share would not make sense and then others would look at me like I was an idiot. As well, I was going to be doing the mindfulness exercise and thus talking a lot then, so I should just keep my mouth shut for the time being. Of course, while this is all going on in my head, I am trying to pay attention and listen to what is being said....talk about multitasking. I realized what I was doing and then the thoughts shifted to, "just open your mouth, don't be scared, just do it." I would consider it, then I would shy away. The conversation would shift and what I was going to share would have been on the old topic, not what we were talking about at that time. Again, I would think, "just talk, they are not going to get mad at you for sharing too." Even though the thoughts became more affirming and encouraging, I was still afraid to just do it.
Then, I got the courage up and decided I would speak.....and of course at that moment, we started wrapping up the conversation. At the same time I had the thoughts, "well, lookie there, you missed your chance, sucks to be you" and "speak anyways!" This is where I broke out of my box. Normally, I would have just sat there and been quiet. No harm, no one knew I wanted to talk, so not like I was slighted or something like that. Not knowing if I was going to get it to come out of my mouth, I said, "can I share something?" I shared my thought and guess what, I didn't implode, I didn't self-combust, no one threw anything at me, no one told me I or what I shared was stupid, and I don't think anyone felt like I took their talk time. I felt really proud of myself for stepping up and talking. Of course no one in the room had any clue about what had just happened and I am ok with that - wait, I bet Chris caught on, she knows me pretty well. Had Karen been there, she probably would have fallen out of her chair for me asking to speak and not just answering when spoken to. That will teach her to miss class!!
It really was a good night, mindfulness went awesome. I really do like doing that. I was a little afraid I might share too detailed of information, yet I think it was ok. Everyone seemed to like it. I think that the moments as these along with the relaxed and safe environment helped pull me out from under the darkness. Something did, that is for sure. I can't pinpoint it, yet I left feeling pretty good about myself and life and have been able to hang onto that for a few days. The anxiety is still playing some weird game with me and I am trying to look back and see if I have a pattern to the depression. I wonder a little if it could be a medication issue. I have been wondering that one for a while. I acclimate to medication so quick. I need to talk to Lynn about it yet sometimes it is like when you need a haircut and the day you go to make the appointment your hair looks great so you put it off. I start feeling better and then tell myself that I am fine, it's nothing to worry about or question. It's kind of a cruel cycle, yet probably typical.
And this is what I have. I was able to scoot my willfulness over enough to get an appointment with Chris tomorrow morning. Maybe she can help me with that struggle of "If I can't do this on my own, I'm a failure." Yes, I know....myth. Hey, at least I am not arguing anymore on the whole notion of grass being blue or green. Green, it is green.
Let's do a little rewinding to have a bit of background here. I don't share a whole lot in class - I didn't last year and even though I am a little better at it, I still do not do a whole lot this year. There are some reasons for this, possibly myths, yet reasons. Tami often would ask if I shared more in class, especially if I was struggling with something. I would tell her no and then she would just look at me and say, "isn't that the point of group? to learn from each other?"
Aside from some residual "group therapy" format anxiety, other reasons include:
- who wants to hear what I have to say - I have a hard time believing that my experiences or thoughts are such that someone could benefit from them.
- people will think I talk to much - the infamous "oh, here she goes again" fear
- others talking is more important than me talking - especially if they hardly ever talk, I don't want to take up their time
- others opinions are more important than mine - if it is between me and another to talk, I will always defer to them
- don't want to look like the "know it all" - this is probably more this year, I know a lot of the content answers. When questions are asked (ie, functions of emotions), I know the answers yet I don't want to throw my hand in the air all the time to be the one to answer. I wait in hopes that someone else will raise their hand, and they hardly do. Sometimes I timidly raise my hand and other times I play quiet.
It isn't that I never have anything to say. Many times I have thoughts and ideas. When someone shares in class and it is asked if anyone has anything they would like to share that might help, I always have something I want to say, although I usually don't.
This past week we had a really great discussion in group. Not sure if it was because we were smaller or because the majority of us were alumni, yet it was good. I shared a bit, yet still held back. In my mind I kept playing a game with myself. I had relevant things I wanted to share yet I would tell myself to shut up, let others share. I was fighting with maybe what I would share would not make sense and then others would look at me like I was an idiot. As well, I was going to be doing the mindfulness exercise and thus talking a lot then, so I should just keep my mouth shut for the time being. Of course, while this is all going on in my head, I am trying to pay attention and listen to what is being said....talk about multitasking. I realized what I was doing and then the thoughts shifted to, "just open your mouth, don't be scared, just do it." I would consider it, then I would shy away. The conversation would shift and what I was going to share would have been on the old topic, not what we were talking about at that time. Again, I would think, "just talk, they are not going to get mad at you for sharing too." Even though the thoughts became more affirming and encouraging, I was still afraid to just do it.
Then, I got the courage up and decided I would speak.....and of course at that moment, we started wrapping up the conversation. At the same time I had the thoughts, "well, lookie there, you missed your chance, sucks to be you" and "speak anyways!" This is where I broke out of my box. Normally, I would have just sat there and been quiet. No harm, no one knew I wanted to talk, so not like I was slighted or something like that. Not knowing if I was going to get it to come out of my mouth, I said, "can I share something?" I shared my thought and guess what, I didn't implode, I didn't self-combust, no one threw anything at me, no one told me I or what I shared was stupid, and I don't think anyone felt like I took their talk time. I felt really proud of myself for stepping up and talking. Of course no one in the room had any clue about what had just happened and I am ok with that - wait, I bet Chris caught on, she knows me pretty well. Had Karen been there, she probably would have fallen out of her chair for me asking to speak and not just answering when spoken to. That will teach her to miss class!!
It really was a good night, mindfulness went awesome. I really do like doing that. I was a little afraid I might share too detailed of information, yet I think it was ok. Everyone seemed to like it. I think that the moments as these along with the relaxed and safe environment helped pull me out from under the darkness. Something did, that is for sure. I can't pinpoint it, yet I left feeling pretty good about myself and life and have been able to hang onto that for a few days. The anxiety is still playing some weird game with me and I am trying to look back and see if I have a pattern to the depression. I wonder a little if it could be a medication issue. I have been wondering that one for a while. I acclimate to medication so quick. I need to talk to Lynn about it yet sometimes it is like when you need a haircut and the day you go to make the appointment your hair looks great so you put it off. I start feeling better and then tell myself that I am fine, it's nothing to worry about or question. It's kind of a cruel cycle, yet probably typical.
And this is what I have. I was able to scoot my willfulness over enough to get an appointment with Chris tomorrow morning. Maybe she can help me with that struggle of "If I can't do this on my own, I'm a failure." Yes, I know....myth. Hey, at least I am not arguing anymore on the whole notion of grass being blue or green. Green, it is green.