Deep Breath and Prayer

A better day today. Still not on top of things yet am not planning my destruction. I feel lost, yet different than usual. It is not so much of not knowing where I am as much as I am at a loss of what to do. The time off has been a learning experience. The biggest lesson I have learned is not to take time off without having things I *have* to do. I really do believe that if Melissa had not challenged me to a photo a day of something from outside, I would have stayed in much more. I have come to the conclusion that constant rain is as bad as snowy winters. I know part of me struggling right now is the dang dreary weather. Makes ya want to crawl up in a corner and disappear. I kind of feel like a big failure. I had all these plans and good intentions to do things and I did not really do anything. I know I still have three days yet I doubt it changes much. I am frustrated that I get overwhelmed so quickly and that my recourse is to shut down. When did things get so hard? I was not always l...

I am not very good at this vacation stuff. I am thinking about going back to work tomorrow. It is kind of lonely actually, and at the same time I do not really want to go be social either. I feel kind of confused.  The sisterhood is getting together Saturday night and going to the sounds of champaign downtown. We were all texting the plans today and I took part in it, yet I have no intentions of going. Not really sure why. Not a decision I made today, I have been thinking about it for a week or so. There is that small feeling that I don't fit in. Not in a prideful way, much the opposite. Remember when I would compare myself in class? Yah, it's kind of that.  These are some pretty amazing gals and are really growing as they lean on one another. They do not fear texting the group and asking for support. We all give it. They comment on how great it is to have others who understand, don't judge, and offer support. I have become the one who starts the virtual hugs. I am really p...

The last time I asked Chris if I could punch something, she replied that I could hit any pillow I wanted. It is possible a pillow may be sacrificed. I hate this. I make an effort to be good to myself, relax, just "get away" from everyday routine, and it sucks. I keep telling myself, find the good - find the good, and it soon becomes "F*** THE GOOD!" Yup, agitated again. I am starting to think I should just go back to work tomorrow. I need someone to smack me up side the head and help me snap out of this. Maybe it is because I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. Let's be honest, when is the last time I took time off that I did not have anything on my agenda. Yes, I have plenty that I can do, yet I don't have any appointments, meetings, etc. I could totally shut the door to my house and not be seen for a week....the thing that I do not want to end up doing. I once again find myself looking in the mirror going, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!" ...

Ya know, I have made peace with the spiral. Honestly, I have. Let it be known though, this particular spot, I hate. I hate it with a passion and I wish it would go away. Yet, for the spiral to be a spiral it has to exist. That really sucks. I'm agitated. Have been mildly most of the day yet as the day went on it got worse. I just kept pushing through it until I could leave work. Fishing was a bust. I did manage to catch 4 I believe. The fish were not even biting much at all. Being agitated and nothing happening on the water is not a good combo. My line got tangled and I ended up running a new full reel of line. That is ok because that stock stuff just kept tangling. New line did not make the fish bite anymore. I went over to the other side of the lake. There is a dock I wanted to try and fish off of. Caught one. It was different being so high above the water. I got my line snagged in some brush and had to cut it, then after rigging everything up again, I got snagged on something in...