Grr....

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The last time I asked Chris if I could punch something, she replied that I could hit any pillow I wanted. It is possible a pillow may be sacrificed.

I hate this. I make an effort to be good to myself, relax, just "get away" from everyday routine, and it sucks. I keep telling myself, find the good - find the good, and it soon becomes "F*** THE GOOD!" Yup, agitated again. I am starting to think I should just go back to work tomorrow.

I need someone to smack me up side the head and help me snap out of this. Maybe it is because I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. Let's be honest, when is the last time I took time off that I did not have anything on my agenda. Yes, I have plenty that I can do, yet I don't have any appointments, meetings, etc. I could totally shut the door to my house and not be seen for a week....the thing that I do not want to end up doing.

I once again find myself looking in the mirror going, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!" It is not lack of skill, it is not lack of intelligence, so what is my issue. Grrr!!!!! Chris would remind me, "what can you do to not make it worse?" You know what? I get tired of it coming to that point. When it gets to that point, I just get mad and pissed off. I find myself going "here I am again" and it is not the smile on my face going "look, here I am again, what a wonderful opportunity to practice my skills." Not even with a sarcastic tone. I just don't like to end up here.

I guess the answer then, is not to end up here. That seems to be my problem, I find myself here without realizing I was headed here. Then I get mad for not being aware enough to see myself slipping. Again, I know, it should be, "well, here I am, not sure how I got here, so what can I do now?"

See, I know what to think, what to do, and it is not that I am being willful, I am just frustrated. It is like I want to scream at life, "Ok, if I am not supposed to do......, then what am I supposed to do?" Really, I am not a bad person. I am good hearted person who does good things....seriously.

It will be ok. It always is. I know, I say that a lot, and it is true. This is just a moment. I will be heading out soon to see a friend that is in town who I have not seen since high school. We will laugh a lot and it will be good for me to be out of the house. I would much rather go hide in my bed and sleep the rest of the day away.

I really have to snap out of this.

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