Existence

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I am not very good at this vacation stuff. I am thinking about going back to work tomorrow. It is kind of lonely actually, and at the same time I do not really want to go be social either. I feel kind of confused. 

The sisterhood is getting together Saturday night and going to the sounds of champaign downtown. We were all texting the plans today and I took part in it, yet I have no intentions of going. Not really sure why. Not a decision I made today, I have been thinking about it for a week or so. There is that small feeling that I don't fit in. Not in a prideful way, much the opposite. Remember when I would compare myself in class? Yah, it's kind of that. 

These are some pretty amazing gals and are really growing as they lean on one another. They do not fear texting the group and asking for support. We all give it. They comment on how great it is to have others who understand, don't judge, and offer support. I have become the one who starts the virtual hugs. I am really proud of each of them as they open up and ask for support or help. 

Have I stepped up and asked? Oh no way. I am not there yet. I never want something I say to trigger one of them. Do not think I could live with that. So I keep my issues to myself. 


That line between desire and intent is blurring. I am a little scared and yet I do not want to reach out for help. The line is only blurred, not merged so why bother someone. I can hear 35, "stop that" she would say. Don't think that way. What did she call that....ah, being direct. 

We had a long text chat last night. She laughed and asked if I needed another joint session so she could be direct with me in person. She is feeling rough right now. It was nice to be able to offer her comfort for once. As well, I was able to offer a bit of insight of the struggle her friend is facing. I feel for anyone who is faced with that decision. So we are going to go fishing at some point this summer. I get a fishing buddy for a few, she gets humor to heal her broken heart.

It just seems so confusing, talking about things I am going to do while at the same time wanting to destroy myself. My head is swirling. Chris would ask what can I do to not make it worse. That always goes through my head. I guess that is good. 

So I guess I need to answer that. Just keep breathing, remind myself that I am stronger, I have to remember I am here for a reason, I have a purpose and a role in this world. I have to keep telling myself i am needed, and just keep believing that I am loved. I have to believe that I am loved, loved for just how I am. I still have that desire to feel it again. Is that wrong? Wanting to feel? 

It is late and time to call it a night. Sleep. Sleep is good. I am trying not to sleep the days away an so far I am doing well. Yet the head games are rolling and I am having a hard time controlling them. 

With that, it is a night.

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