Existing

-
A better day today. Still not on top of things yet am not planning my destruction. I feel lost, yet different than usual. It is not so much of not knowing where I am as much as I am at a loss of what to do.

The time off has been a learning experience. The biggest lesson I have learned is not to take time off without having things I *have* to do. I really do believe that if Melissa had not challenged me to a photo a day of something from outside, I would have stayed in much more.

I have come to the conclusion that constant rain is as bad as snowy winters. I know part of me struggling right now is the dang dreary weather. Makes ya want to crawl up in a corner and disappear.

I kind of feel like a big failure. I had all these plans and good intentions to do things and I did not really do anything. I know I still have three days yet I doubt it changes much. I am frustrated that I get overwhelmed so quickly and that my recourse is to shut down.

When did things get so hard? I was not always like this. Maybe I was and I fooled myself better. I give in and give up too easy. Sometimes I just don't care anymore. Sometimes I just want life to end. I want the struggle to stop. I want to be healthy and whole and strong. It is sad when you realize it probably is not going to happen in this life. As far as I have come, I do still feel I am being punished for something. I wasn't good enough somewhere. I didn't do what I was supposed to at some point. Bad Blewy. Put that happy smile on for everyone yet behind the scenes I am nothing. As much as I try to convince myself, the truth keeps rolling around.

I still wish I could see the person others see in me. Who knows, maybe that is not possible. Maybe I am desiring something that is beyond a limit somewhere.

I keep trying to do good, do right, not screw up too bad. I really do. There are times I feel that the harder I try, the more i mess up or choose wrong. I am not going for perfection as I know that is impossible, yet I could do much better than I currently am.

I have to get my head out of my tail and step things up. I need to be smarter about my choices and I need to stand on my own more instead of leaning on others. I do that too much, the leaning on others. I need to not burden people and figure things out on my own. No one likes a whiner and complainer. I try hard not to be one and I do not succeed very well. I need to go back to just keeping my mouth shut.

Everyone keeps telling me that God loves me and is proud of me. Why? I am just me, there are so many better people in the world. I am nothing special, I am just me. I don't normally have a clue to what I am doing, I just go for it and wing it. Why would anyone find greatness in that? Why would anyone find greatness in me?

Tomorrow will be a long day. I will be great and do great things and I will be hard on myself and tell myself I could have done better.

I am in a low place, a dangerously low place.

Popular posts from this blog

Never a failure again

-
October 15, 1991 was a Tuesday. I was a junior at EIU studying Journalism. I remember waking up that morning feeling overwhelmed to a level I had never experienced. My roommate left for class and I sat there looking at the clock calculating what the last possible moment could be before I left for mine. The minutes continued to tick away until finally I put my shoes on, went out to my car, drove home, and walked away from it all. I remember when I got home. I was asked why I was there and, now that I think back to it, my answer of "I'm not going back" may not have been the best statement to make. I was not on scholarship, yet I had enough grants that I was pretty much on a free ride. I was an honor student, smart and innovative. I pulled A's and B's with minimal effort. I loved learning and I loved the college environment. I had my educational planned out through a doctorate degree. It just could not be understood how I could walk away from a free education. It was...
Read more

No more numbers

-
It has been a pretty full afternoon. I finally slowed down about 8 while working on a friend's computer. I knew I had "stopped long enough to breathe" as I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I react to anxiety a lot different now. Instead of letting it overwhelm me and take control, I generally think to myself, "oh, well, look at that" and take a deep breath or two. That is what I did earlier. Just took a few breaths, acknowledged the anxiety, reminded myself that I knew what it was being triggered by, told myself I would address it later, then kept working on the computer. I was able to meet with my old nutritionist this afternoon. I am so glad I followed my desire to hunt her down as it was a great meeting. We caught up on things, talked about my getting healthy journey and surgery. When I was seeing her, I had been looking into surgery and my insurance at the time had so many hoops to jump through that it just became too much. Actually, that is why I started see...
Read more

Checking in

-
Hey Blewy Hey there. You've been sitting here a while, you ok? Yah, just looking around the empty gym and thinking. Will you share with me what is on your mind? Like, what do you know about this gym? Is it a familiar place or just a plain old gym? Oh, it is no ordinary gym, never been. This is the gym from my middle school days. Not sure why, yet when I have tried to imagine the rowdy kids and the loudness, this is where it is. Seems a little ironic as, even though I really did not care for middle school, a lot of great things happened in this gym. I played ball in this gym and 10 years later would return and coach here. Ok, so memories of PE class are not exactly top of the list, yet I will take all the ball ones. Band was up there on the stage, another great moment in time. I played flute then. You know, there was this room up top of the stage, like there was this door that went to some space that was above the locker rooms. We always wondered what was up there and even when I ca...
Read more