Deep Breath and Prayer

I hate seeing someone hurting and there is nothing I can do. Maybe that is why I dislike funerals. I am glad I can go and be a support, yet it breaks my heart to see sadness and not be able to offer enough comfort to make it better. In these past few years I have sat with one of my ballplayers as they buried her mom and not too long after, her grandmother. I sat with my best friend as they buried her 9 year old nephew. Today would have been April's 33rd birthday - one if my junior high ball players who died in a car wreck in high school. Too many to list and another added to the list. I am thankful I can at least offer my support through my presence. What can you really say in those moments? Seriously, even if you had the perfect thing to say, there really is nothing to say that will take the hurt away. So you stand guard, watching over them as an angel in the back. You offer a shoulder and you hold them for a moment. They still hurt though, and your heart aches for them. Growing u...

Hey Blewy. Hey guardian. I'm sorry I left. You should be. I wasn't ready and you didn't even give me any warning. I have been afraid and felt like you did not want me anymore.  That was never my intentions and I am so sorry.  It is ok, we are all human. What now? I promise to keep an eye out on you, yet I want you to be a part of it all as much as you can. You don't have to be a guardian alone, yet I need to you be one when you are in that place. You already do this, and you do it very well. Even when you become strong and confident more regularly, I won't leave again. That was wrong of me to just throw you out there like that. I can do that. I can work on being stronger longer and believing in myself a little more. I feel good when I can do that, it makes me feel I have a purpose.  Yes, you are very good being the guardian for others. I need you to work on being it for yourself too. I will, as long as you are there with me, I will.  I am sorry you have felt abandon...

The guardian is dressed again and soon to be back to the role that I so desperately need them in. I may have not of had session today, yet while I waited for 35, this is what I drew. The next one is already in my head, waiting for its time to make it onto paper. It was a better day today. While driving home I was able to verbalize, "everything is going to be ok." The craziest part, I believed it. At this moment, I am feeling well. I am tired, yet I am feeling well. I even have a bit of a smile on my face. Chris would encourage me to just enjoy it, don't worry about how soon it will end, just enjoy what is now.  I have my final tomorrow in my transcription class. I would be lying if I said I was not nervous. I will do fine even though I know I could have prepared more. Whatever comes of it, comes of it. I just have to pass, don't need an A, just a passing grade. Taking this course has made me realize one thing, as much as I would love to go back to school and get my do...

I must have begged and pleaded enough as the guardian is finally coming back. Now, it isn't that the guardian has been "gone", no they have been present even if they were not felt. They have shown up with the rest of the kids off and on. Here is the thing, the guardian is my protective and my nurturing parent and from these roles the guardian has been absent. I have felt scared and abandoned about as long as I want to. I can't do this alone anymore....I don't want to do it alone anymore. I appreciate the confidence the guardian has in me to step up and take on the protective and nurturing role myself, yet I am just not there yet. I do not believe yet that I have it in me. At least not to the point of it being full time. The missing roles have not really helped, if anything, I seem to be slowly falling back into old patterns and behaviors. I miss feeling safe and secure. I hope those feelings return. Being scared so much is just exhausting and being scared and feel...

Happy birthday Alijandra. You would have been 17 today. Tess seems to remind me often that you are not far away.....or that you are somehow teaching her your habits and quirks. I have no problem with that, makes me feel like you are still here. Although I doubt you are getting your birthday roast beef sandwich, I am going to guess that you have more beef jerky than one can imagine. I still miss you so much it hurts, yet I know we will be together again one day. Your sister, on the other hand, has her days and nights all mixed up. Seems she sleeps all day and then every 2-3 hours during the night wants to get up, go out, and investigate everything. Sure, not a problem except that I have not had a good full night's sleep in a few weeks. I figure with the nice weather, that will start to change. It is my hope to re-fence the yard so that it is a bigger space and she can run more...in hopes of wearing her out more....in hopes of her sleeping more at night...resulting in me getting a fu...