For now, all is well

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The guardian is dressed again and soon to be back to the role that I so desperately need them in. I may have not of had session today, yet while I waited for 35, this is what I drew. The next one is already in my head, waiting for its time to make it onto paper.

It was a better day today. While driving home I was able to verbalize, "everything is going to be ok." The craziest part, I believed it. At this moment, I am feeling well. I am tired, yet I am feeling well. I even have a bit of a smile on my face. Chris would encourage me to just enjoy it, don't worry about how soon it will end, just enjoy what is now. 

I have my final tomorrow in my transcription class. I would be lying if I said I was not nervous. I will do fine even though I know I could have prepared more. Whatever comes of it, comes of it. I just have to pass, don't need an A, just a passing grade. Taking this course has made me realize one thing, as much as I would love to go back to school and get my doctorate, the cognitive struggles are not worth it. I don't *need* a PhD, I just wanted to see if I could get it. It is ok if I don't get it...seriously, not an issue. I was the first one to get a degree in my family, and I can work with that!

I rolled over about 5:30 this morning and saw my phone flashing. I don't hear my text message notification when I am asleep so it is not surprising to wake up to messages. It was from mom, written around 2:45 am. She was asking if I could do something for her up here, which was fine. I put in a short reply and rolled back over. A few minutes later, she replied. Now, what she was doing up in the early hours of the morning, I have no clue, yet she spoke as if she was wide awake. It only took a few exchanges before getting to the "ah, and there it is" message that undoubtedly comes. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

We had our DBT celebration tonight. It was fun to just sit and chat and all. Ok, so I listened more than I chatted, yet that is what I do. I really liked the new material we learned this year, especially the checking the facts stuff. Of course you have to catch the distress early enough to remember to check the facts, or care about checking the facts. That probably was the one new skill I really enjoyed because it fits me so well. If I can just stop and try to put things into a reality perspective, it makes the choices a bit clearer.

The six of us gals have decided to stay in touch and try to get together at least once a month. We stayed for probably another half hour or so after Karen left just talking and laughing. We would get up to leave and then stand there and chat, then start to leave, then chat more. I am glad to have learned that I was not the only one who struggled with a former class member. That actually helps me put some of that behind me as I really was hard on myself for not being able to deal overly well with all that. I had chalked it up to my own issues and figured I was the only one who had any problems with the situation. Apparently not.....and that makes me feel much better.

Hey, I did it, I made it through 2 rounds of DBT, and I did it well. I still have a long way to go and lots more to learn, yet I think I have come an awful long way too. All I have to do is think about where I would be without having gone through the course, and we all know that scenario didn't have the best ending. I just have to remember that I have it in me to do and achieve anything. I am not a quitter, although I do stumble and fall at times. It is not that I want to quit at times, I just lose my faith to have other choices. I still struggle with feeling like I can ask for help. I feel like I have to be to a certain level of distress before I can ask for help from someone. Although there might be some truth in that, I am sure that it is ok to ask LONG BEFORE I actually do. Maybe Chris would be willing to help me come up with a safely plan like we did with the car. That has worked and I have followed it very well. Maybe she can help me know at what point it is ok to ask for help.

Ok, it's getting late and I am getting tired. Extra prayers tonight for my buddy as tomorrow is going to be a rough one for her. I am glad I can offer a little support, even if it just text message hugs.

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