Un momento al tempo

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Happy birthday Alijandra. You would have been 17 today. Tess seems to remind me often that you are not far away.....or that you are somehow teaching her your habits and quirks. I have no problem with that, makes me feel like you are still here. Although I doubt you are getting your birthday roast beef sandwich, I am going to guess that you have more beef jerky than one can imagine. I still miss you so much it hurts, yet I know we will be together again one day.

Your sister, on the other hand, has her days and nights all mixed up. Seems she sleeps all day and then every 2-3 hours during the night wants to get up, go out, and investigate everything. Sure, not a problem except that I have not had a good full night's sleep in a few weeks.

I figure with the nice weather, that will start to change. It is my hope to re-fence the yard so that it is a bigger space and she can run more...in hopes of wearing her out more....in hopes of her sleeping more at night...resulting in me getting a full night's sleep. See, it all has a purpose.

I did better today Ali. I still took a nap, yet it was more of really being tired (thank you Tess) than avoiding. The rain sounds were nice to sleep to. As much as I wanted to sleep longer, I did get up and face the evening. I got all the dishes done and most of the counters cleaned. Still so much to do, yet that is a good achievement for the weekend. 

I did good though. I really started getting anxious and worried earlier this evening. One of those "out of nowhere" things even though I know there is always some kind of trigger. Instead of running away from it, I sat there, picked up my phone and started texting with friends. I got through it. I'm doing better with my choices to get through things...at least I hope so. The thoughts and desire to hurt myself still come and go - much more than I wish they would - and I am doing better at getting through them. I hate it though, I hate that they come, I hate that they have power, I hate that I too often consider giving into them.

I am doing better with my communication with Heavenly Father. I still struggle with asking for things I need from Him, yet at least that is something I struggle with across the board, not just with my prayers. I'm still looking for that confirmation of love, and I think I haven't gotten it yet because I still struggle with believing that I am worth enough to get it. Instead of just asking and having faith that it will come, I put all the ending qualifiers of "if it be by your will, and you aren't busy, and if you think about it, and only if there is enough for everyone else first" and more. I have more faith that I won't receive answers than I do that I will. I guess in time that will keep shifting to the more positive side of the continuum.

I am doing the best I can, and even though I keep telling myself I an do more - I can do better, I am doing the best I can. My homework this weekend was to try and not feel guilty for doing or choosing good things. I think I did well with it. I was pretty frustrated over yesterday, yet I didn't beat myself up over it.

This is going to be a full week, loaded with a lot of emotional activities. Many chances to practice skills. I just have to remember I can do it, and do my best not to doubt my abilities or my value. With that, it is time to call it a night. Hopefully Tess gives me a few extra hours before waking me up.

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