Deep Breath and Prayer

I'm kind of a pyromaniac. No, I am not burning places down, yet I do like fire and flame. I like how hypnotizing it is. I could sit and watch a fire-pit until the last coal burnt out. It is actually difficult to have a conversation with me around a fire because I am so mesmerized by it. There is something purifying about fire. I am not sure if it is the power of destruction that it carries or what. There is such finality with fire. When things burn, they do not generally return to their original state - if they exist at all. Fire can destroy, and fire can heal. I spent two hours outside this afternoon doing yard work. I still impress myself sometimes at what I can physically do. My poor yard has been overtaken by branches, weeds, and mulberry trees. I still have a lot of work to do out there, yet I got a good start on it today. I have quite the brush pile and when it dries out in the next week or so, I am going to torch the hell out of it. Yup I am going to light that sucker on fir...

Not quite in the park at the moment, yet will be later. It is Bravest vs. Finest softball day. Fire vs. Police vs. Wounded Warriors. Joe gets to play this year, dislocated ankle and all. He loves getting to go out there and play. I think part of it is that he could never do it growing up because of being so sick. He isn't sick no more, that is for sure. I have been hearing about batting practice and how he keeps tweaking his hitting. It was his goal to get some infield time this year. We will all be there in our "Blew 22" shirts cheering him on. That is later today. For now, I have been up early. That is how it always works. You hope to sleep in and you are awake earlier than normal. Ah, so be it. Feeling a bit anxious today, although it is ok. It is just kind of "there" and not causing trouble. I know where it is coming from and that is just fine. Being in a good spot the last day and a half, I need to see how I do without leaning on anyone for help. My friends...

As I crawl under my blankets (yes I write these from bed too) I can officially say 12 days. I wish I could say that was 12 days of no negative thoughts or desires to hurt myself, yet those were in existence with no problem. I just managed to stay one rung higher. I sometimes wonder if this will be life. Will I have to always be so aware of my thoughts and feelings, afraid if I stop for a moment they will try to overtake me? Don't get me wrong, I am way excited to have 12 days, and I also am aware of how exhausted mentally I am from being so on-guard. I am going to go on the hope that even if I have to stay so on top of things, that I will get stronger and adapt to that habit. I am very appreciative and thankful for things that have recently transpired. Seems God hasn't let me get so far away that I have become a lost cause. No, He is just doing what He always does....sends more help. I do still have that fear in the back of my mind that at some point I will get healthy and stro...

How much of a contrast this post will be from the last several ones. I am excited that I am at a place to make that happen. Trust me, even in writing, it feels better to do it from a good place than a dark one. I think about my post last week where I talked about feeling so fragmented, like a cheap charm bracelet. I didn't want to be that and at the end of the day, that is what I am. I am slow to realize that it is ok to be fragmented, as we are made up of so many different experiences and pieces, although the key is how we come to accept that. I have continually struggled with feeling "un-whole" (yah, I know that is not a real word, yet I don't know how else to describe it).  There are so many ways I have expressed what that feels like - broken, shattered, defective, fragmented. While searching "hugs" on Pinterst one day, there were several with the phrase, "One day someone is going to hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back tog...

  I stopped to breathe. That was my first mistake. Somehow I should have known that "handling" things as well as I have these past few days would come with a price. It hit, like a lightening storm in an open field.  I filled the tub with hot water and slid down as far as I could. Through the water I listened, I could hear the bass from the radio in the other room vibrate in the water. I could hear my heart beat - much faster than I wanted it to be. Breathe in....breathe out.....slowing down the pounding in my chest.  Feel the warmth of the water, try to let it relax you. Close your eyes and go somewhere, anywhere, just not here at the moment. Sit up, relax...at least try to. Unclench the fists. Try to quiet the voices, you are not stupid, you are not bad, you don't need to be punished. Easier said than believed.  Dress in something comfortable. Not too constricting, not to baggy. Keep breathing and try to calm it down as my ribs hurt from breathing while so tense. My...

I have not wrote for a few days although that does not mean a lot has been going through my mind. Sometimes when I think about writing I have so many avenues I want to pursue that I just walk away as it is too much to try and choose one and stay there. Then there are days like today where I just sit and start writing, no real idea of where things will go or what topic(s) may come of it. I'm at six days....well, here in about an hour it will be 6.5. Six days of no self-harming behaviors. To me, that is a really big deal, to others it may seem trivial. In all seriousness, every hour I make it is a big deal to me now. I got to thinking a few days ago, should I set a goal and should I find a reward? Then I let the thought go. Right now, just making it moment by moment is a reward to me. Besides, we all know I am not really good at celebrating my own personal achievements. As well, I don't want to be doing it in order to "get something", I want to be doing it because that ...