A good one

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As I crawl under my blankets (yes I write these from bed too) I can officially say 12 days. I wish I could say that was 12 days of no negative thoughts or desires to hurt myself, yet those were in existence with no problem. I just managed to stay one rung higher.

I sometimes wonder if this will be life. Will I have to always be so aware of my thoughts and feelings, afraid if I stop for a moment they will try to overtake me? Don't get me wrong, I am way excited to have 12 days, and I also am aware of how exhausted mentally I am from being so on-guard. I am going to go on the hope that even if I have to stay so on top of things, that I will get stronger and adapt to that habit.

I am very appreciative and thankful for things that have recently transpired. Seems God hasn't let me get so far away that I have become a lost cause. No, He is just doing what He always does....sends more help.

I do still have that fear in the back of my mind that at some point I will get healthy and strong and He will take everyone away and there I will be, alone. There was a time that thought made me hesitant to try with all I had. Now, I just give it what I can each moment. In the end if I lose everyone, it will not be enjoyable and it will hurt, although I just have to trust that God knows best.

It's been a good day, all day. Been a while since that happened. I'm wearing down though, I am tired across the board. In the awareness game, that means it is time for sleep. This is that gray area where the negative thoughts begin to be louder, where the doubt gets stronger, where the lines between desire and intent start to blur.

With that, I'm calling it a day. I have a full weekend ahead and lots to do. Time for a good nights sleep that is peaceful.

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