Burn baby burn
I'm kind of a pyromaniac. No, I am not burning places down, yet I do like fire and flame. I like how hypnotizing it is. I could sit and watch a fire-pit until the last coal burnt out. It is actually difficult to have a conversation with me around a fire because I am so mesmerized by it.
There is something purifying about fire. I am not sure if it is the power of destruction that it carries or what. There is such finality with fire. When things burn, they do not generally return to their original state - if they exist at all. Fire can destroy, and fire can heal.
I spent two hours outside this afternoon doing yard work. I still impress myself sometimes at what I can physically do. My poor yard has been overtaken by branches, weeds, and mulberry trees. I still have a lot of work to do out there, yet I got a good start on it today. I have quite the brush pile and when it dries out in the next week or so, I am going to torch the hell out of it.
Yup I am going to light that sucker on fire and watch it burn until it burns out and I am going to soak in every moment of it. Now, why am I so excited to burn off a brush pile? Well...aside from playing with fire? Because, while that fire is burning, I have all intentions of tossing some of this baggage from my past in there to burn with it.
As I was cutting down things and watching the pile grow, I thought to myself how good it would feel to stand there and toss some of the ugliness of my past in the pile too. Watch it go away. Watch it become something that cannot hurt me anymore. Take the power away from it. Then I thought, why not? My birthday is two weeks from tomorrow, why not start a new year out with a lighter load? So, that gives me a window of time to make a plan and pick a day to try and burn down my back yard.
I started laughing at myself as I then decided that if I were to do this, I would make it enjoyable - I would have pizza and ice cream and I would not feel one bit guilty. Pizza, ice cream, and putting some of my past to rest. Hey, sounds good to me. The only down side, I will be doing it alone. That sucks a little bit. How I would love Chris, Karen, Tami, and Lynn to be there as I so creatively said goodbye to some of the things that have held me back for so long. It would be nice although in the list of asking a question, this request would not pass the "is it appropriate to the relationship" step. "hey, would you come to my house and torch my past with me? there will be pizza and ice cream." There are times when the whole "therapeutic relationship" thing really sucks, and this is a good example.
I am sure I will find a way to share the moment with them. Maybe I can video my adventures or just make sure I write a really good blog post. I am sure I will figure something out, I am creative and imaginative.
In the meantime though, that leaves me with some homework of deciding what is going into the fire, how it is going, and am I really willing to walk away from it once I do it. What an exercise in "letting go" I will be completing. I also need to make sure I have gas to light it (yes, I am one of those people who really do throw gas on a fire). Maybe I should calculate in a trip to the emergency room...just in case. Ah, heck, I have yet to get hurt playing with brush piles and fires. Once again, talents and skills that I have that may not necessarily be in the "healthy" column.
It is time to move on to the next adventure of the day. I am pleased with my day so far today. I worked hard, I sweat a ton, I hopefully burned a lot of calories in the process. I have been careful of what I have ate as I know at the stadium tonight there will not really be things to eat that I am going to feel good about. Again, more opportunities to practice self-compassion and not judging myself.
There is something purifying about fire. I am not sure if it is the power of destruction that it carries or what. There is such finality with fire. When things burn, they do not generally return to their original state - if they exist at all. Fire can destroy, and fire can heal.
Yup I am going to light that sucker on fire and watch it burn until it burns out and I am going to soak in every moment of it. Now, why am I so excited to burn off a brush pile? Well...aside from playing with fire? Because, while that fire is burning, I have all intentions of tossing some of this baggage from my past in there to burn with it.
As I was cutting down things and watching the pile grow, I thought to myself how good it would feel to stand there and toss some of the ugliness of my past in the pile too. Watch it go away. Watch it become something that cannot hurt me anymore. Take the power away from it. Then I thought, why not? My birthday is two weeks from tomorrow, why not start a new year out with a lighter load? So, that gives me a window of time to make a plan and pick a day to try and burn down my back yard.
I started laughing at myself as I then decided that if I were to do this, I would make it enjoyable - I would have pizza and ice cream and I would not feel one bit guilty. Pizza, ice cream, and putting some of my past to rest. Hey, sounds good to me. The only down side, I will be doing it alone. That sucks a little bit. How I would love Chris, Karen, Tami, and Lynn to be there as I so creatively said goodbye to some of the things that have held me back for so long. It would be nice although in the list of asking a question, this request would not pass the "is it appropriate to the relationship" step. "hey, would you come to my house and torch my past with me? there will be pizza and ice cream." There are times when the whole "therapeutic relationship" thing really sucks, and this is a good example.
I am sure I will find a way to share the moment with them. Maybe I can video my adventures or just make sure I write a really good blog post. I am sure I will figure something out, I am creative and imaginative.
In the meantime though, that leaves me with some homework of deciding what is going into the fire, how it is going, and am I really willing to walk away from it once I do it. What an exercise in "letting go" I will be completing. I also need to make sure I have gas to light it (yes, I am one of those people who really do throw gas on a fire). Maybe I should calculate in a trip to the emergency room...just in case. Ah, heck, I have yet to get hurt playing with brush piles and fires. Once again, talents and skills that I have that may not necessarily be in the "healthy" column.
It is time to move on to the next adventure of the day. I am pleased with my day so far today. I worked hard, I sweat a ton, I hopefully burned a lot of calories in the process. I have been careful of what I have ate as I know at the stadium tonight there will not really be things to eat that I am going to feel good about. Again, more opportunities to practice self-compassion and not judging myself.