6 days
I have not wrote for a few days although that does not mean a lot has been going through my mind. Sometimes when I think about writing I have so many avenues I want to pursue that I just walk away as it is too much to try and choose one and stay there. Then there are days like today where I just sit and start writing, no real idea of where things will go or what topic(s) may come of it.
I'm at six days....well, here in about an hour it will be 6.5. Six days of no self-harming behaviors. To me, that is a really big deal, to others it may seem trivial. In all seriousness, every hour I make it is a big deal to me now.
I got to thinking a few days ago, should I set a goal and should I find a reward? Then I let the thought go. Right now, just making it moment by moment is a reward to me. Besides, we all know I am not really good at celebrating my own personal achievements. As well, I don't want to be doing it in order to "get something", I want to be doing it because that is the way it should be. Do it because it is the right thing to do for my health - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That is the reward - healthy across the board.
Besides, I have my "daily rewards", my own little way to track my progress as well as motivate and inspire me to hang in there. I know what every one of those pins stand for and I know how disappointed I would be to have to take them all off and start from scratch. Sure wish I could find the little gold ones though, those are the ones I really wanted to use. In the meantime I just keep swiping them off my race bibs. I would like to think I will get so many of them that I have to come up with some kind of tally system, like a bigger one equals 10 days. I still have a lot of shoe left to fill before that becomes an issue. One day at a time.
I don't know whether to say I have done good or not with the whole "do something for me" plan. Let's face it, getting to the end of each day safely is a pretty good "for me" activity right now. My "do good" is simply not to "do bad" or since I try not to use that phrasing, we will go with good = healthy choices.
There are days where it is more like "just do something" over doing something "for me" and that works too. Sometimes it is just sitting outside a little longer feeling the sun or staying in the shower for a little longer. Small little things, not really "doing" as much as "allowing" myself something. Sometimes those few extra minutes gives me the boost I need to keep going.
School starts tomorrow for the boys. I still have so much to do around here before then as well as a web project to finish up. It is hard to sit in front of the computer for hours like I used to. I still struggle with my focus and concentration which can (and usually does) kick in the anxiety after a certain point. I hope as I get better, that all will too.
I still have not ruled out going back to school at some point, yet I am not going to do it with the attention difficulties. I struggled too much with that as I finished my Master's, I don't care to jump back into that fire any time soon. Besides, still don't know what I would go back to school for. As much as I would love to start in a PhD program, I do not want to go into a Computer Science one.
That pretty much leaves me at getting a second Master's in whatever area I want to keep going in. In a way that actually gives me a lot more options as there are far more Master's programs than PhD. Maybe I should poll my friends and see what they think I should go into.
In the meantime, DBT class starts back up in another week. Yup, am totally flipping excited on that one. I guess we will see if it inspires me to write another "it's like crack!" post. Actually I am sure there will be at least one that far surpasses that one.
Even though I regularly am searching and reading up on skills and methods, I am looking forward to being back in the structured environment of class. I am curious how my answers to homework this round will differ from last round. I might even be able to complete assignments this time that I just could not bring myself to face last time. I am glad I kept my blog during class last round as I do like to compare and contrast and it will be fun to see where that goes.
I'm a little weary about the "group" in the sense of it being new people, new personalities, new dynamic. I am sure I will follow my usual pattern and sit quietly and try to figure people out. I would like to think I won't be as apprehensive about sharing this round. I'm going into it this time knowing I am not going to be eaten alive for speaking and that my experiences are just as valid as everyone else's in the class. I don't know, it will be one of those things where I can make guesses as to how I will react, yet in the end I won't know until I am there.
I do often wonder how everyone is doing from last class. I hope they all have been able to keep moving forward and using the skills to be more healthy. I seriously hope none of them have followed my path and fallen off every wagon they've been on. There are times I look at my binder (I always keep it in view at home) and think "did you even learn anything??" as I am lowering my eyes, or shaking my head, or going through another destructive/harming episode. Maybe this round I will learn to not be so hard on myself.
It will be fun, I loved being in class last round. It was something that "was mine" or I guess you could say it was my weekly "do something for me" couple hours. I love learning and this time I know what is coming down the line - not as many surprises as last round. I am not expecting any meltdowns when I hear the words "emotional regulation" this time. There is a small part of me that is sitting back excited about things like how I will handle the holidays this year in comparison to last year. I can tell you right now, there is not going to be a day after Christmas phone call that puts me in such a tailspin that it takes 8 months to get the ride to stop.
It will be an adventure - one I am looking forward to.
I got to thinking a few days ago, should I set a goal and should I find a reward? Then I let the thought go. Right now, just making it moment by moment is a reward to me. Besides, we all know I am not really good at celebrating my own personal achievements. As well, I don't want to be doing it in order to "get something", I want to be doing it because that is the way it should be. Do it because it is the right thing to do for my health - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That is the reward - healthy across the board.
Besides, I have my "daily rewards", my own little way to track my progress as well as motivate and inspire me to hang in there. I know what every one of those pins stand for and I know how disappointed I would be to have to take them all off and start from scratch. Sure wish I could find the little gold ones though, those are the ones I really wanted to use. In the meantime I just keep swiping them off my race bibs. I would like to think I will get so many of them that I have to come up with some kind of tally system, like a bigger one equals 10 days. I still have a lot of shoe left to fill before that becomes an issue. One day at a time.
There are days where it is more like "just do something" over doing something "for me" and that works too. Sometimes it is just sitting outside a little longer feeling the sun or staying in the shower for a little longer. Small little things, not really "doing" as much as "allowing" myself something. Sometimes those few extra minutes gives me the boost I need to keep going.
School starts tomorrow for the boys. I still have so much to do around here before then as well as a web project to finish up. It is hard to sit in front of the computer for hours like I used to. I still struggle with my focus and concentration which can (and usually does) kick in the anxiety after a certain point. I hope as I get better, that all will too.
That pretty much leaves me at getting a second Master's in whatever area I want to keep going in. In a way that actually gives me a lot more options as there are far more Master's programs than PhD. Maybe I should poll my friends and see what they think I should go into.
In the meantime, DBT class starts back up in another week. Yup, am totally flipping excited on that one. I guess we will see if it inspires me to write another "it's like crack!" post. Actually I am sure there will be at least one that far surpasses that one.
Even though I regularly am searching and reading up on skills and methods, I am looking forward to being back in the structured environment of class. I am curious how my answers to homework this round will differ from last round. I might even be able to complete assignments this time that I just could not bring myself to face last time. I am glad I kept my blog during class last round as I do like to compare and contrast and it will be fun to see where that goes.
I do often wonder how everyone is doing from last class. I hope they all have been able to keep moving forward and using the skills to be more healthy. I seriously hope none of them have followed my path and fallen off every wagon they've been on. There are times I look at my binder (I always keep it in view at home) and think "did you even learn anything??" as I am lowering my eyes, or shaking my head, or going through another destructive/harming episode. Maybe this round I will learn to not be so hard on myself.
It will be fun, I loved being in class last round. It was something that "was mine" or I guess you could say it was my weekly "do something for me" couple hours. I love learning and this time I know what is coming down the line - not as many surprises as last round. I am not expecting any meltdowns when I hear the words "emotional regulation" this time. There is a small part of me that is sitting back excited about things like how I will handle the holidays this year in comparison to last year. I can tell you right now, there is not going to be a day after Christmas phone call that puts me in such a tailspin that it takes 8 months to get the ride to stop.
It will be an adventure - one I am looking forward to.