Saturday in the park
Joe gets to play this year, dislocated ankle and all. He loves getting to go out there and play. I think part of it is that he could never do it growing up because of being so sick. He isn't sick no more, that is for sure. I have been hearing about batting practice and how he keeps tweaking his hitting. It was his goal to get some infield time this year. We will all be there in our "Blew 22" shirts cheering him on.
That is later today. For now, I have been up early. That is how it always works. You hope to sleep in and you are awake earlier than normal. Ah, so be it.
Feeling a bit anxious today, although it is ok. It is just kind of "there" and not causing trouble. I know where it is coming from and that is just fine. Being in a good spot the last day and a half, I need to see how I do without leaning on anyone for help. My friends and therapists get the weekend off. May they enjoy the break as I am telling you, come Sunday night, I would like to take them all back. I would actually like to take them back right now, yet I keep telling myself "no, no, no" and then taking a bigger breath.
I have one friend that gives me hell every time I try to do my "stand on my own" experiences. I think she does it because I seem to generally fail in my attempts and she keeps telling me that I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I tell her that I do - to myself. We continually banter back and forth about it and in the end agree to disagree.
I have mixed reasoning for my choice. Yes, a larger part of it is based on myth and deeply ingrained thought patterns of being a burden, bother, or other negative entity to others. My own insecurities that I am taking up too much of people's time and I need to stay away for a while. Why lie? Yes, that is a strong part of it. I get scared of being too much to others and I run away for a while.
There is the "opposite" effect as well that plays into it - people are not running away from me, nor are they asking me to step away. It is just as scary having people who really are right there for you and don't seem to have a problem with it. That is very comforting and kind of scary too. I fight with myself on this one. There is that "just enjoy that they are there and go with it" versus the "don't screw it up" mindset.
I am still learning that people do truly care about me and my well being. I have to quit fighting it with "why" questions and just let it happen. Aside from just being my friends, I have allowed them to step into the roles I have needed to keep an eye out on me. I need to let them be in those roles and quit fighting it. As I have said before, there are times that I am my worst enemy.
The thing is, I really did not choose to do this based on negative reasons and myths. Yes, I think those kinds of thoughts will always be a part of my choices when interacting with others. Even if they are not in the forefront, they will always be there. In a way they are safeguards for me to keep me from becoming selfish and needy in regards to my relationships with others. And seeing that those are some of my biggest fears, it is good that I have a gatekeeper.
I need to know I can stand "with" my support group. Does that make sense? It is not that I want to run from them, nor that I want them to go away. I want to stand among them as an equal. I want to depend on myself as much as I depend on them. Right now, that ratio is a bit unbalanced in my eyes. I am leaning on them too much (or at least that is how I feel). Granted, I am not going to go take a poll of "am I leaning on you too much" because I don't want to know the answers. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy they are/have been there, even if I have not utilized them as I could have.
I told Chris in email something to the effect of we are still walking side by side, I am just taking my hand off her shoulder to see if I can keep my balance. So far, although a bit shaky, I seem to be walking without falling over. It's scary. I just want to put my hand back on her shoulder (or my friends' shoulders) and go "ok, that was a good test, next..." yet I don't allow myself off the hook that easy. You might say I have put my hands in my pockets to keep me from grabbing back a hold of anyone for the moment. Reminds me of when I was a kid and we would be in the mall and I had to put my hands in my pockets because I was so curious and wanted to touch and feel things. "Look with your eyes, not with your hands" I heard way too many times. Even now I still struggle with this one. I have "6-year old curiosity" as I have come to name it. If that is a character flaw, then so be it, yet it just the truth.
I can do this. I am not really finding enjoyment in it, although it will only make me stronger in the end. Don't think that the demons have taken advantage of it even in this short time. It is like the darkness has put out the word, "she's without her armour" and the armies are closing in. I just have to remember that I can stand up to it all, even without my reinforcements. Now, would I give in and get help if it gets too bad? I would like to think that I would. I would also like to think that I won't have to.
Yes, I am willful and stubborn. I am, I can own that. I am also very independent and although I have had to learn that it is ok to ask for and accept help and that it is ok to lean on others, there is some self-satisfaction that comes from making progress by walking the path without hanging on. I know everyone is still close. I just need to try and walk alone for a few steps. If I fall down, I fall down. I am in a good place mentally right now which means I will be able to stand back up and if I have trouble getting back on my feet, I will borrow a shoulder or two for balance. I think of that song by DC Talk "What if stumble, what if I fall". Well, seeing that I have stumbled a lot and I have fallen even more, I guess we just keep getting up and moving forward. As hard as it is to get up, at the end of the day I have to keep getting up. Whether I want to or not, I have to.
Seeing that one of my ways of staying ahead of things is to stay busy, I have a lot to get done before the game this evening. The amazon jungle of a yard is calling to me and I think some sunshine therapy and a good sweat will be healing. As well, have to start getting active again - I have a 5k in a few weeks to get strengthened up for. I have also been eating more lately which has me afraid I have gained weight. So, yes, some good manual labor will clear my head and ease my fears.