In my shoes
Let me explain how it happens sometimes....I am just doing routine things and then, in an unexpected moment, it hits...the anxiety, as if out of no where. I love these moments.
Had a full day today, yet a good day. Lots of thinking and yet still got a lot done. Home a bit early, fixed food, and sat watching television with Tess crawled up on my lap. Seriously, calm and uneventful.
I got up a bit ago to go put the laundry from the washer to the dryer. I packed my arms up with part of the load, took it back to the dryer, threw it in, turned around, took three steps, and then was hit by that "rush" that catches me off guard. Close enough to the washer, I grab it and hang on. In my mind the thought starts up, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe" and panic sets in. For a moment I wonder if I can stay standing. It happens so fast. I stand there, shaking, trying to get my breath. I start to tell myself, "you are ok, you are ok, you are ok." I fear that if I move, I will shatter. This time only lasts about a minute. These episodes can last seconds to several minutes, yet no matter the length, it physically exhausts me. The panic calms and I can move again. I move the rest of the clothes to the dryer. In my mind I quietly think, "got through another one."
This is what has been happening for a while now. I have had a large decrease in the huge, lasting panic and anxiety attacks like I was having before. The ones where I need someone to help me get settled down are even less. This is good. In their place, the small bursts that come frequently, yet with no real pattern. I guess if I have to choose, these are better as I can still function. I can step away or at times, due to such a short duration, they are not even noticed by others. These are much more tolerable when driving. If I were to come up with a comparison, it might be something like when you are a kid and you are at a store and you turn around and your safe person is gone. It is that initial panic and fear, yet within a small moment of time, you realize they are not gone, just around the corner and it ends. I guess it is just part of the process. I figure if I can just stay aware of what it happening, then I will be ok. Does not always make it easier to get through, yet I know I will get through it. I wonder if 35 went through this. I should ask sometime.
I have realized that sometimes there is not a direct trigger. For instance, in the past, a memory or event could set off an instant attack. Although that is still there, many times it is not as apparent. There was nothing I have been doing in the past 4 hours to cause this....directly. What I have had today is a lot of thinking. I visited a lot of places in my thoughts today in session. I did a lot of thinking afterwards. Some thoughts have continued to churn since. Although actively watching TV and doing other tasks, in the back of my mind it has been non-stop. For lack of a better way to describe it, when my conscious mind stops for that short second to take a breath, that stuff in the background takes advantage of the crack and that is when things hit.
This is not the first episode of the day and I am sure it won't be the last. For the past several weeks, they have been happening at the minimum, a few times an hour at different intensity. There are times when it is even more frequent. I have gotten used to it. A lot got stirred up today. I have had many lines of thought trying to get their moment in the spotlight. So many thoughts to get out, not enough ways, not enough time. Add to that some excitement of the realization that I might have a way(s) of getting through this new pile of stuff, and it's like Mardi Gras in my head.
I'm fine, I really am. I just ride them out. As noted, they wear me down. After a full day, I am spent physically and emotionally. Things I want to write and share have to wait. I tell myself, "tomorrow" and then it just keeps getting pushed back. I worry that the words will be gone, I will miss my chance to put them down, to move them from my mind to a place I can look at them and find answers. They are good thoughts and ideas, as hot-wired as my brain is, it is hot-wired well and sometimes it produces more thoughts and images than I know what to do with.
I do the best I can, which I understand is all that is asked of me. I guess if anyone has issues with that, they can just walk a little in my shoes.
Had a full day today, yet a good day. Lots of thinking and yet still got a lot done. Home a bit early, fixed food, and sat watching television with Tess crawled up on my lap. Seriously, calm and uneventful.
I got up a bit ago to go put the laundry from the washer to the dryer. I packed my arms up with part of the load, took it back to the dryer, threw it in, turned around, took three steps, and then was hit by that "rush" that catches me off guard. Close enough to the washer, I grab it and hang on. In my mind the thought starts up, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe" and panic sets in. For a moment I wonder if I can stay standing. It happens so fast. I stand there, shaking, trying to get my breath. I start to tell myself, "you are ok, you are ok, you are ok." I fear that if I move, I will shatter. This time only lasts about a minute. These episodes can last seconds to several minutes, yet no matter the length, it physically exhausts me. The panic calms and I can move again. I move the rest of the clothes to the dryer. In my mind I quietly think, "got through another one."
This is what has been happening for a while now. I have had a large decrease in the huge, lasting panic and anxiety attacks like I was having before. The ones where I need someone to help me get settled down are even less. This is good. In their place, the small bursts that come frequently, yet with no real pattern. I guess if I have to choose, these are better as I can still function. I can step away or at times, due to such a short duration, they are not even noticed by others. These are much more tolerable when driving. If I were to come up with a comparison, it might be something like when you are a kid and you are at a store and you turn around and your safe person is gone. It is that initial panic and fear, yet within a small moment of time, you realize they are not gone, just around the corner and it ends. I guess it is just part of the process. I figure if I can just stay aware of what it happening, then I will be ok. Does not always make it easier to get through, yet I know I will get through it. I wonder if 35 went through this. I should ask sometime.
I have realized that sometimes there is not a direct trigger. For instance, in the past, a memory or event could set off an instant attack. Although that is still there, many times it is not as apparent. There was nothing I have been doing in the past 4 hours to cause this....directly. What I have had today is a lot of thinking. I visited a lot of places in my thoughts today in session. I did a lot of thinking afterwards. Some thoughts have continued to churn since. Although actively watching TV and doing other tasks, in the back of my mind it has been non-stop. For lack of a better way to describe it, when my conscious mind stops for that short second to take a breath, that stuff in the background takes advantage of the crack and that is when things hit.
This is not the first episode of the day and I am sure it won't be the last. For the past several weeks, they have been happening at the minimum, a few times an hour at different intensity. There are times when it is even more frequent. I have gotten used to it. A lot got stirred up today. I have had many lines of thought trying to get their moment in the spotlight. So many thoughts to get out, not enough ways, not enough time. Add to that some excitement of the realization that I might have a way(s) of getting through this new pile of stuff, and it's like Mardi Gras in my head.
I'm fine, I really am. I just ride them out. As noted, they wear me down. After a full day, I am spent physically and emotionally. Things I want to write and share have to wait. I tell myself, "tomorrow" and then it just keeps getting pushed back. I worry that the words will be gone, I will miss my chance to put them down, to move them from my mind to a place I can look at them and find answers. They are good thoughts and ideas, as hot-wired as my brain is, it is hot-wired well and sometimes it produces more thoughts and images than I know what to do with.
I do the best I can, which I understand is all that is asked of me. I guess if anyone has issues with that, they can just walk a little in my shoes.