Reflecting

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Hello world, how are you today? I will have to admit, when I have two good days in a row, I start getting skeptical. When I hit three I start worrying. You wonder what corner karma is hanging out at just waiting for you (I've probably just jinxed myself). I have a had a good couple weeks. Scary, eh? Sure, there have been some bumps along the way and still it has been well with me. Again, totally surprising myself.

What makes it good? I desire to do more than sleep and exist. I have not found myself at the bottom of the emotional bucket. I have been able to accept and let go of some things without leaving behind a placeholder of guilt or shame. I have looked back to past conversations and lessons that made me want to turn and run (and I pretty much did) and say to myself, "Oh, I understand now."

I have been able to look at existing to-do lists as a challenge and not as an overwhelming burden. I have even been able to take the list and add, edit, and delete things from it. I have done things for me simply because I wanted to. I have said no to others. I have stood on my porch, closed my eyes, and felt the warmth of the sun or listened to the breeze through the trees.

I have given thanks for simply being alive and for not giving up in moments of deep sorrow and despair. I commend myself for being willing to wait one more day, stand up one more time, and simply try again. I rejoice that I am not alone in my journey and humbly accept that I never was.

I do not claim success as my own personal doing as I know there have been many helping hands through the years and lots of guardian angels pulling overtime. I appreciate those still working along side of me in this life and behind the veil and I do hope that my getting stronger does not equate to them going away any time too soon.

I am learning to love myself again. I say again because I understand now that I was not born disliking and hating myself. I just forgot somewhere along the way. I accept that I am unique and I have quirks. I ask a lot of questions and sometimes the same question over and over. I think about things a lot, sometimes more than is necessary, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I still fear people I have come to care about will walk away and I understand that, even though it is a valid fear, it is also a part of life. I cannot control the decisions of other people. I also understand that, even if it hurts, I will still be ok. My worth is not defined by the actions of others.

I know I am destined for heaven as I have lived in hell and survived it. I no longer dwell on how I got there or why I stayed so long, yet I do know that just as the refiner's fire, I am stronger because of it. I also have no plans to end up there again unless it is to go rescue another.

I make a difference in the world. I make a difference in people's lives. I make a difference. I also seem to leave a lasting impression. It would seem that I am not easily forgotten and I am good with that - no matter the reason for being remembered. Everybody needs a little Blewy in their life.

I am strong. I may often forget this, and yet it is true. I am often commended for how well I have survived, coped, or persevered. It is because I am strong, stronger than I may ever understand.

I have come a long way and still have a long way to go. I may not be sure just where it is that I am headed for and I know where I don't want to end up. I am realistic that there may still be moments that I move backwards instead of forward and I will deal with them as they come along with as much self-compassion as I can. If I would not berate another, I should not berate myself.

I am glad I am here.

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