New start

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I woke up today. That is a good start. Slept so hard last night that I dreamed in Spanish. I guess the darkness didn't win even though it beat me down pretty hard.

I've stayed busy most of morning. Been around people and running errands. Been home for a couple hours now and soon to take a nap.

I don't feel "secure" right now. I put that in quotes because I am and feel safe, yet just alone and kind of afraid. Lots of stimulus yesterday. Lots of come down today.

I wish the guardian and the kids were here. Have not felt their presence since Thursday night when the darkness rolled in. It's still near, laughing and taunting me. I close my eyes and try to feel the guardian's touch, and nothing is there. Consequences, all choices have consequences. I imagine I still have plenty ahead of me.

I hurt, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So many thoughts in my head that it's a little much. My choice, my fault, my consequences. How can I dare ask for security when this is my own doing.

So I'm going to sleep for a while. Maybe it will be better when I wake up. Maybe I won't feel as afraid and if I still do, maybe it won't be as intense.

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