Sit safely and breathe
I about gave up today. Well, the jury is still kind of out on whether I did or not...or whether I am fully convinced not to. I'm starting to doubt myself pretty rough. And, even though I know this fight is 110% worth it, I'm wondering about my ability to pull it off.
A friend (who has been through a much larger battle and came out on the other side) continues to tell me to be patient with myself. To be genuine with myself. To remember that I have all the time in the world to work on this. Today she told me "You were powerful and strong enough to make the wrong choices, therefore you are just as powerful and strong to make the right ones."
Sometimes I hate it when things make sense.
I feel like I am moving backwards instead of forward, especially these past few days. God knows I am fighting. Somewhere, I had this innocent and unrealistic thought that once I came to peace with myself that I was actually worth something, that things would be a little easier from there on out. Nope, it has equated to getting kicked a little rougher and hit a little harder. I'd be lying if I said that the thought of just going back to hating myself hadn't crossed my mind quite a bit lately.
I can hide things pretty good. Master of illusion I am. In the last 3 months I have come to hate the question "are you ok?" Hell no I'm not ok. I'm walking around in a haze, I can't concentrate, I can barely focus on anything, and my professional work is suffering. Then, I realize that over the past 3 weeks I'm punching things, popping pills, binge eating, and can barely control my anger. I have broken my promise not to hurt myself. I guess it is good that I don't have a social life, as I am sure it would be in the gutter too. Last night I realized just how much I have reverted to habits out of my survival arsenal that I haven't used for a long time - and that scares me. It scares me because it is "after the fact" that I am realizing it. It is not a conscious "I'm going to do this..." choice. It is the "oh crap, look what I have done/am doing." Then I tell myself that I cannot do these things. These choices are not healthy. I might as well be talking to the wall.
I can't expect people to understand. I don't share my problems or worries. I hide emotion. I'm the one who is always smiling, making jokes, and making everyone else feel better. I am the one who saves, not the one who asks to be saved. I imagine it is a little unsettling to see me a "bit off" or in distress. It's like being at a funeral and not knowing what to say, so you go with the the awkward default, "are you ok?" I am polite and give a smile and lovingly answer "yes, I'm ok" or make some crack comment like "well, I'm not dead, so I guess that means I'm ok."Anyone with half a brain knows I am lying through my teeth, but they are respectful enough to let it go.
It is not supposed to be this way.
How is it supposed to be? I don't have an answer for that question. I don't think it is supposed to be this. It's like when you are asked what you want to do when you grow up. Many times you are not really sure what you want to do, but you got a good grasp on what you don't want to do.
In the past three months I have learned a lot. Between therapy, DBT class, and my own research, I have tons of new information to work with. I have skills to calm myself, refocus myself, and more. I have people in place to help me at any moment. Multiple times every day I read my mantras, "This difficult time will pass...." and I repeat the last line over and over "I am here for a reason." Yet, here I am on the edge, teetering back and forth. This is not a cliff I need to jump off of - it's one I really need to just start walking backward from. I can't ask anyone to pull me off of it, what is learned there? I just will find myself here again at some point. Full of false beauty and deceptive promises, I hate this place. No, I, on my own power, have to be the one to move away from the edge.
It's hard to explain. It's like when I find myself in these places, I look to use all these new and way more healthy choices to either deal with moment or overcome it, but sometimes it is like as soon as I reach out for them, a huge crowd caves in between me and them. It's all the old tricks and habits. It's the negative thoughts and emotions. A thick crowd that I have to fight through to get to the good stuff and the good people. It's not a one time trick, the crowd comes back over and over and it has gotten tiring. My armor has taken a huge beating and lifting my sword and shield is getting harder and harder.
I am sure it is not as overwhelming as it seems. A part of me is like "just push your way through, it's not as bad as it looks" and all kinds of other "go get 'em" phrases. I am missing something though, I haven't learned something to get through here. Optical illusion or not, it's a big wall to go through. I don't know how to stand up to it and tell it to move aside. It's like when you are always told "turn it over to God" or similar. Really? So you are taught this from a small age - give your burdens to Christ/God. Are we ever taught how to do that? No, seriously, I'm not being an ass here. Think about it. How do you do that? Obviously you can't physically walk up to God or Christ and go "here, I have something for you." That, though, is a whole other conversation.
I was talking with my friend today about this concept of the wall of old habits. I told her that I would really like to scream out for someone to come get me, to reach their hand out for me to grasp, but I can't do it. I feel I have to figure out how to get through it on my own power. What do I learn by someone pulling me through? I know there are good choices and people on the other side. No questions about that and I have a deep desire to get to them. If I allow myself to be pulled through, then who really did the work? What do I really learn?
An email earlier this weekend touched on having the ability and power to focus my thoughts. It's something that was said to me as well a few weeks back. That would most definitely help. I think that as the crowd closes in, if I can just focus on someone/something on the other side, then I can get through. I know there are good things to focus on, I just waiver in my ability and power to hold that focus. I feel like if I blink or breathe I will lose it, then I will lose myself again.
Still too close to the edge, I have stepped back a little. I'm not sure where to go at the moment, so I think I will sit.
Sit safely and breathe.
A friend (who has been through a much larger battle and came out on the other side) continues to tell me to be patient with myself. To be genuine with myself. To remember that I have all the time in the world to work on this. Today she told me "You were powerful and strong enough to make the wrong choices, therefore you are just as powerful and strong to make the right ones."
Sometimes I hate it when things make sense.
I feel like I am moving backwards instead of forward, especially these past few days. God knows I am fighting. Somewhere, I had this innocent and unrealistic thought that once I came to peace with myself that I was actually worth something, that things would be a little easier from there on out. Nope, it has equated to getting kicked a little rougher and hit a little harder. I'd be lying if I said that the thought of just going back to hating myself hadn't crossed my mind quite a bit lately.
I can hide things pretty good. Master of illusion I am. In the last 3 months I have come to hate the question "are you ok?" Hell no I'm not ok. I'm walking around in a haze, I can't concentrate, I can barely focus on anything, and my professional work is suffering. Then, I realize that over the past 3 weeks I'm punching things, popping pills, binge eating, and can barely control my anger. I have broken my promise not to hurt myself. I guess it is good that I don't have a social life, as I am sure it would be in the gutter too. Last night I realized just how much I have reverted to habits out of my survival arsenal that I haven't used for a long time - and that scares me. It scares me because it is "after the fact" that I am realizing it. It is not a conscious "I'm going to do this..." choice. It is the "oh crap, look what I have done/am doing." Then I tell myself that I cannot do these things. These choices are not healthy. I might as well be talking to the wall.
I can't expect people to understand. I don't share my problems or worries. I hide emotion. I'm the one who is always smiling, making jokes, and making everyone else feel better. I am the one who saves, not the one who asks to be saved. I imagine it is a little unsettling to see me a "bit off" or in distress. It's like being at a funeral and not knowing what to say, so you go with the the awkward default, "are you ok?" I am polite and give a smile and lovingly answer "yes, I'm ok" or make some crack comment like "well, I'm not dead, so I guess that means I'm ok."Anyone with half a brain knows I am lying through my teeth, but they are respectful enough to let it go.
It is not supposed to be this way.
How is it supposed to be? I don't have an answer for that question. I don't think it is supposed to be this. It's like when you are asked what you want to do when you grow up. Many times you are not really sure what you want to do, but you got a good grasp on what you don't want to do.
In the past three months I have learned a lot. Between therapy, DBT class, and my own research, I have tons of new information to work with. I have skills to calm myself, refocus myself, and more. I have people in place to help me at any moment. Multiple times every day I read my mantras, "This difficult time will pass...." and I repeat the last line over and over "I am here for a reason." Yet, here I am on the edge, teetering back and forth. This is not a cliff I need to jump off of - it's one I really need to just start walking backward from. I can't ask anyone to pull me off of it, what is learned there? I just will find myself here again at some point. Full of false beauty and deceptive promises, I hate this place. No, I, on my own power, have to be the one to move away from the edge.
It's hard to explain. It's like when I find myself in these places, I look to use all these new and way more healthy choices to either deal with moment or overcome it, but sometimes it is like as soon as I reach out for them, a huge crowd caves in between me and them. It's all the old tricks and habits. It's the negative thoughts and emotions. A thick crowd that I have to fight through to get to the good stuff and the good people. It's not a one time trick, the crowd comes back over and over and it has gotten tiring. My armor has taken a huge beating and lifting my sword and shield is getting harder and harder.
I am sure it is not as overwhelming as it seems. A part of me is like "just push your way through, it's not as bad as it looks" and all kinds of other "go get 'em" phrases. I am missing something though, I haven't learned something to get through here. Optical illusion or not, it's a big wall to go through. I don't know how to stand up to it and tell it to move aside. It's like when you are always told "turn it over to God" or similar. Really? So you are taught this from a small age - give your burdens to Christ/God. Are we ever taught how to do that? No, seriously, I'm not being an ass here. Think about it. How do you do that? Obviously you can't physically walk up to God or Christ and go "here, I have something for you." That, though, is a whole other conversation.
I was talking with my friend today about this concept of the wall of old habits. I told her that I would really like to scream out for someone to come get me, to reach their hand out for me to grasp, but I can't do it. I feel I have to figure out how to get through it on my own power. What do I learn by someone pulling me through? I know there are good choices and people on the other side. No questions about that and I have a deep desire to get to them. If I allow myself to be pulled through, then who really did the work? What do I really learn?
An email earlier this weekend touched on having the ability and power to focus my thoughts. It's something that was said to me as well a few weeks back. That would most definitely help. I think that as the crowd closes in, if I can just focus on someone/something on the other side, then I can get through. I know there are good things to focus on, I just waiver in my ability and power to hold that focus. I feel like if I blink or breathe I will lose it, then I will lose myself again.
Still too close to the edge, I have stepped back a little. I'm not sure where to go at the moment, so I think I will sit.
Sit safely and breathe.