The Vegas Chronicles
(The Chronicles were captured via email to my therapy family)
I have already made buddies with Christian who is 3 (I thought he was 5) and Brynlie who is 18 months.
Shauna's brother Brad and his family stopped by tonight too. They have 4 kids from young to teen and I had not met them and they walked up, looked at me, and gave me a big hug. Yah, I am going to be all fixed up with hugs!!!
The kids decorated the door of the bedroom I am in with hearts including one that said *you are a great fisherman*. They left a new cup and a box of Swedish fish on my pillow. Said they wanted to make sure I had fish here in Vegas.
During dinner I just sat and thought how good I felt. Shauna is one of those friends that you do not see for years and then when you catch up it is like you never were apart. It feels very safe here....actually, IT IS safe here. I am going to be ok here.
Healing already underway.
Otherwise I am doing well. I am tired and worn down and can feel my body starting to fight me. I will retire here soon.
If I have realized anything this evening it is that this trip was supposed to happen. And....it is ok to enjoy every moment of it.
I know you are all snoozing by now so I will give you all the *nighty-night*
Hey all. Seems *the chronicles* is going to be email over blog. It is easier for me to write. Also can just add to as the day goes on. If it starts getting long we shall just have parts a,b,c :)
I slept *so good* last night. It took a bit to get to sleep and then I would doze off then wake up, yet then I just slept hard. Cannot think of the last time I slept that good. Someone kept checking in on me which was kind of nice. Woke up at 4:30....looked at clock, felt confused, remembered I am 2 hours behind, and rolled back over. By 6 I just got up ;) I felt so rested, cannot imagine how I will feel after a few more days. Shauna was worried that the commotion of the kids kept me awake, yet in reality I think it helped me relax...I knew I was not alone.
Shauna's parents got here late last night and no one had told them I was here or coming. We got them to go sit down in the dining room where they had their back to the stairs, then I came down and just went and sat at the table. Zina looked at me and then flipped out. She just grabbed me and held me as tight as she could. I would like to think that someday my mom will be as excited to see me and want to embrace me like that. It was a perfectly executed surprise. There is video, will share at some point.
I fixed breakfast and went and sat outside to eat. It was so peaceful. It is funny, there is all kinds of activity here and yet it is not affecting my anxiety hardly at all. I really think it is that knowing I am safe. I will be curios how that does through the week.
Am off for some snuggle time with my virtual fishing buddy Christian. More Chronicles tonight.
*********************
Hey all. It is 95 here and feels great in the shade. Not missing the humidity.
I find myself perplexed (there is a big word) by the lack of anxiety. Today was Katelyn (8 yrs old) baptism so I was at the church around a lot of people I did not know. Then afterwards they had a get together at the house. Easily 30ish people and LOTS of kids in that group. There was lots of stimulus happening in various levels. I was fine. Now i did not go sit myself in the middle of the most active spot and I did not go hide either. I engaged in conversation and socialized. Weird, eh??? I did go up and lie down for a while as I have to remember to rest physically too.
I have felt slightly *uneasy* at times yet not the 0 to 100 anxiety. I do not get it, even with all the activity and some chaos, it still feels peaceful. Big question is how to maintain that when I come home.
Then there is the eating issues. I am eating. I am eating often and i am eating healthy. And....I do not have the eating anxiety or the negative thoughts. I feel hungry, I eat. Again, it is like I am a different person. I do not even get freaked in portions. If I am still hungry, I eat more. So what is the deal with that? Is it because my overall anxiety is down? Is it because I feel safe here and therefore feel safe to eat? As wonderful as it is, it is mind boggling too.
There is so much love here, I do not know how to explain it. My guess is that this is how it is supposed to be like. It is foreign and I am soaking it up every moment I can.
Agenda for tonight...
I am currently in charge of cooking on the grill!!!! BBQ chicken!!!
It is really nice and relaxing. I have laughed a lot. There is a small piece of me that is like *enjoy it now as it is not going to last*. I do not know if that is true or not yet I am *living in the moment* as much as I can. Know that for as much love that i am receiving, they all send just as much to you.
Hugs to all of you.
In our conversation hr told me how he and Katelyn give massages and foot rubs. I was soon the recipient of this great thing. They do quite well.
I got a little frustrated with myself today. I have been going and enjoying and playing with the kids, etc and my body has kept going *hey, you have to rest me too. Either you do it or I will* yah, I started shutting down. We got home from church (which I sported a great blue hawk) and I tried to skip out on eating to just go and crash. I gave it a good shot, yet Shauna knows her homework and therefore I had a good lunch before the nap.
I had to put my earplugs in for my nap and turn up the music. I could hear the kids and all playing. It was not that the noise was keeping me awake, it was that I kept wanting to go play too and see what was going on. It was a tough nap with a lot of waking up shaking yet it was a nap.
Today was just kicking back. I drew pictures for each of the kids and they thought that was pretty neat.
So it was mostly a day of just hanging out and making memories. That makes for a good day.
Day three complete! More adventures tomorrow.
Matthew (12) seems to be a bit of a loaner. The two oldest Breanne (16) and Ashton (14) left yesterday for a youth conference, and he seems to be a little lost without them.
Swimming was good. I used to swim quite a bit and quit right before surgery. There is something about the feeling of the water against your skin that is calming. Maybe I am just odd. I think that is why I like a bath so much, the water immersion is very calming to me. Great opportunity to practice mindfulness! I did use sunscreen yet I think my nose still got burnt. I may need to look into getting my membership at the Y back so I can swim again. I was smart while i swam, I kept drinking and we had some snacks out with us. They are keeping a *reminding* eye on me :) shower and nap (as I forgot how much swimming wears ya out) I fixed us up a snack. Yah, you know it included watermelon. I put some apples on there and then thought... Oh, need protien, so cheese and peanut butter. I looked at it and thought how impressive!
Just having fun and taking in the love. At any given moment someone will just grab you and give you a big hug. There is not enough hugs in the world.
So today so far has just been having fun and enjoying things (and eating a lot of watermelon).
More adventures to report..
*********************
Good evening! If I have stated writing this 2 min before midnight can I still call it today?
Shauna and I were able to go out together tonight and just be buddies. We ate at In and Out burgers. I always heard about it and it lived up to its name. we even got a hat! We headed up to the strip and a date with m&m world!! Yah that place is amazing.
We did a lot of walking out on the strip and there were all kinds of people. Even in the store there was people everywhere. I did really well with it all. Shauna asked me a few times if I was ok and I was. As long as I kept her a half step or so in front of me where I could see her, I was fine. The only time it started to get me was when we were in the checkout line at m&m. It was a narrow space and it was warm in there anyways, so I started having a little of that trapped feeling. I got through it though. The only anxiety I am starting to have is thinking about going back home.
We talked about a lot and she asked what I had been experiencing. I said that I had been learning a lot, then I changed it as most things I already know/knew. I said that I am gaining confidence back. I am feeling without judging. I am honoring my body by eating and resting and playing. I am accepting that it is ok to just be me. And, accepting that I am ok physically as well (as in the issue of my size).
It is bed time. Sweet Vegas dreams to you all. More adventures tomorrow.
I have been working hard in my compassion and non judgmental thoughts toward myself. There has been a lot of pictures that I am in. It is still difficult to see myself big again. I just try to look past that and see the joy in the pictures. I try to remember that I am loved for who I am, and my size does not make me less loveable. As usual, seems I am the only one who worries so much about it. I have a fear that when I post pictures when I get back that someone will note the weight gain. Guess that is just something I will always fear.
I have not had my watch on much while here which means seeing my wrist a lot. Seems I have some new scars from my last *tripping over the pothole*. Not as noticeable as my forearm, yet bold enough they will not be fading away. As I said, practicing that self love thing. I just take a deep breath and tell myself that it is ok, it was just a moment in time and that moment does not define who I am.
So, those are my morning thoughts. Today is restful activity so I am fueled up for my return. Shauna and I are headed to the Temple this morning, then this evening we are all having smores over the fire pit, and clocking some hot tub time. Of course lots of loves and hugs with the kids in between!
I found a pix of the two older kids to include. This is their cousin Caleb, Breanne, and Ashton. And I got one finally of Matthew!
Report more this evening. Thank you all for letting me bring you along in my journey.
*********************
Shauna looked at me earlier today and asked what was going on. I have been much more quieter, reserved, and avoiding a lot of the interactions going on. My first instinct was to say *it is nothing, just a little tired* yet I was honest and said that I was starting to think about going home and it was bothering me and the anxiety and fear were a much higher level today. She noted that was her guess and then said, how about we talk about it, make a plan?
Although I have been more to myself still laugh at these kids. It was *dance-a-thon* earlier. 18 months, 3, 8, 10, and 12 going at it. I think I learned some new moves. Other moves I thought to myself, *I take medication for that* :))
Shauna and I attended the temple earlier today. A wonderful few hours to just ponder and relax...and to be with my buddy was the best.
As the night winds down we will have *family home evening* which is family time with a little gospel message, activity, and treat. If we are still up for it, Shauna and I have a late night run to the 7-11planned to get slurpees!! Yah, slushies rock, yet nothing beats a slurpee!!!!
And I think that wraps up the Chronicles of Vegas. Thank you everyone for letting me share my time with you. As I wait on my plane tomorrow I will send out a little wrap up. I should be pulling into my drive around dinner time tomorrow. I will let you know I have made it back.
Hugs to you all.
I am getting to preboard again which helps. Being in that crowd of people trying to locate seats is not the smartest move.
Shauna and I talked a lot last night (am going on 3 hours sleep) about my next steps. She said that my home needs to feel safe and mine and to think about what I can do or change to make it so. It just has not felt peaceful since mom lived there with me.
...oh fun, alarm is going off here at the airport *ladies and gentleman an alarm has been activated. Please remain calm while it is investigated* along with a flashing strobe light. Well, that just helps my anxiety wonderfully!!!!!
We talked about finances since that is one of my too triggers. Shauna is in real estate and does financial planning as a part of it. She says she loves the numbers game. So she is going to help with getting me on a budget and starting to get out of debt. She said I cannot be stressing about money, that we would come up with a plan.
Although anxious, I do feel I have regained a chunk of confidence. I guess the real test starts on landing, which by the way I just heard them say the air is having issues on the plane...80+ degrees in the cabin. Oh what a wonderful opportunity to practice my skills.
I will report upon landing that I am in one piece (or not). Have a great day!
*********************
Guess who arrived safely? Am in crawfordsville eating as I made a couple sandwiches last night to take with me and left them in the fridge. The in flight treats of graham crackers and m&m's just was not doing much for me.
Did not sleep on flight yet did a lot of thinking. It keeps going through my head *you are in a really healthy spot, do not screw it up*
Shauna hugged me before I left and said *you may still have setbacks, do not beat yourself up* and I am all worked up because I do not want to have setbacks, I want to keep doing what I am supposed to and all that. Maybe a bit unrealistic thinking there. I just feel like I am in this spot and I can go any direction I want from here forward and I am so afraid of taking a wrong step - with the eating, with the emotional stuff, with life in general. Leave it to me to get all worked up over getting worked up. So that is where I am, just a bit scared as I am back on my own again.
Headed the rest of the way home. I pick Tess up tomorrow morning. Will be back in time to get her tonight yet maybe should just take the evening to settle back in.
Day One
Hello all. It is 8:17 here...10:17 there. Oh how my body is going to be confused!!! I just finished dinner...two bowls of vegetable soup, rolls, salad, and rootbeer floats. Um, yah I think there is no worries of my eating. :)I have already made buddies with Christian who is 3 (I thought he was 5) and Brynlie who is 18 months.
Shauna's brother Brad and his family stopped by tonight too. They have 4 kids from young to teen and I had not met them and they walked up, looked at me, and gave me a big hug. Yah, I am going to be all fixed up with hugs!!!
The kids decorated the door of the bedroom I am in with hearts including one that said *you are a great fisherman*. They left a new cup and a box of Swedish fish on my pillow. Said they wanted to make sure I had fish here in Vegas.
During dinner I just sat and thought how good I felt. Shauna is one of those friends that you do not see for years and then when you catch up it is like you never were apart. It feels very safe here....actually, IT IS safe here. I am going to be ok here.
Healing already underway.
Otherwise I am doing well. I am tired and worn down and can feel my body starting to fight me. I will retire here soon.
If I have realized anything this evening it is that this trip was supposed to happen. And....it is ok to enjoy every moment of it.
I know you are all snoozing by now so I will give you all the *nighty-night*
Day Two
Hey all. Seems *the chronicles* is going to be email over blog. It is easier for me to write. Also can just add to as the day goes on. If it starts getting long we shall just have parts a,b,c :)
I slept *so good* last night. It took a bit to get to sleep and then I would doze off then wake up, yet then I just slept hard. Cannot think of the last time I slept that good. Someone kept checking in on me which was kind of nice. Woke up at 4:30....looked at clock, felt confused, remembered I am 2 hours behind, and rolled back over. By 6 I just got up ;) I felt so rested, cannot imagine how I will feel after a few more days. Shauna was worried that the commotion of the kids kept me awake, yet in reality I think it helped me relax...I knew I was not alone.
Shauna's parents got here late last night and no one had told them I was here or coming. We got them to go sit down in the dining room where they had their back to the stairs, then I came down and just went and sat at the table. Zina looked at me and then flipped out. She just grabbed me and held me as tight as she could. I would like to think that someday my mom will be as excited to see me and want to embrace me like that. It was a perfectly executed surprise. There is video, will share at some point.
I fixed breakfast and went and sat outside to eat. It was so peaceful. It is funny, there is all kinds of activity here and yet it is not affecting my anxiety hardly at all. I really think it is that knowing I am safe. I will be curios how that does through the week.
Am off for some snuggle time with my virtual fishing buddy Christian. More Chronicles tonight.
*********************
Hey all. It is 95 here and feels great in the shade. Not missing the humidity.
I find myself perplexed (there is a big word) by the lack of anxiety. Today was Katelyn (8 yrs old) baptism so I was at the church around a lot of people I did not know. Then afterwards they had a get together at the house. Easily 30ish people and LOTS of kids in that group. There was lots of stimulus happening in various levels. I was fine. Now i did not go sit myself in the middle of the most active spot and I did not go hide either. I engaged in conversation and socialized. Weird, eh??? I did go up and lie down for a while as I have to remember to rest physically too.
I have felt slightly *uneasy* at times yet not the 0 to 100 anxiety. I do not get it, even with all the activity and some chaos, it still feels peaceful. Big question is how to maintain that when I come home.
Then there is the eating issues. I am eating. I am eating often and i am eating healthy. And....I do not have the eating anxiety or the negative thoughts. I feel hungry, I eat. Again, it is like I am a different person. I do not even get freaked in portions. If I am still hungry, I eat more. So what is the deal with that? Is it because my overall anxiety is down? Is it because I feel safe here and therefore feel safe to eat? As wonderful as it is, it is mind boggling too.
There is so much love here, I do not know how to explain it. My guess is that this is how it is supposed to be like. It is foreign and I am soaking it up every moment I can.
Agenda for tonight...
I am currently in charge of cooking on the grill!!!! BBQ chicken!!!
It is really nice and relaxing. I have laughed a lot. There is a small piece of me that is like *enjoy it now as it is not going to last*. I do not know if that is true or not yet I am *living in the moment* as much as I can. Know that for as much love that i am receiving, they all send just as much to you.
Hugs to all of you.
Day Three
I have a morning buddy. Brinton (10 I think) gets up before everyone else therefore it is just the two of us for a bit in the mornings. Yesterday I learned all about Star wars Lego adventures on the Wii. Our conversations include how to rig a cat to a vacuum to sweep a house, traveling the states, and careers. He has quite an imagination and is very bright. The two of us just giggle and laugh, have breakfast together, and and come up with ideas to change the world. Today he asked me how long I would be here. I told him I flew home on Wednesday. I asked if that was alright. He gets the hugest grin on his face and tells me that is excellent.In our conversation hr told me how he and Katelyn give massages and foot rubs. I was soon the recipient of this great thing. They do quite well.
I got a little frustrated with myself today. I have been going and enjoying and playing with the kids, etc and my body has kept going *hey, you have to rest me too. Either you do it or I will* yah, I started shutting down. We got home from church (which I sported a great blue hawk) and I tried to skip out on eating to just go and crash. I gave it a good shot, yet Shauna knows her homework and therefore I had a good lunch before the nap.
I had to put my earplugs in for my nap and turn up the music. I could hear the kids and all playing. It was not that the noise was keeping me awake, it was that I kept wanting to go play too and see what was going on. It was a tough nap with a lot of waking up shaking yet it was a nap.
Today was just kicking back. I drew pictures for each of the kids and they thought that was pretty neat.
So it was mostly a day of just hanging out and making memories. That makes for a good day.
Day three complete! More adventures tomorrow.
Day Four
I do not think I have been in 100+ degree heat since Argentina. I have learned if you do anything outside, you do it early or late. Today was pool day!!! I have been adopted by all the kids yet especially Brinton (10) and Katelyn (8). I love listening to all of the kids imaginations run wild. I have laughed so much.Matthew (12) seems to be a bit of a loaner. The two oldest Breanne (16) and Ashton (14) left yesterday for a youth conference, and he seems to be a little lost without them.
Swimming was good. I used to swim quite a bit and quit right before surgery. There is something about the feeling of the water against your skin that is calming. Maybe I am just odd. I think that is why I like a bath so much, the water immersion is very calming to me. Great opportunity to practice mindfulness! I did use sunscreen yet I think my nose still got burnt. I may need to look into getting my membership at the Y back so I can swim again. I was smart while i swam, I kept drinking and we had some snacks out with us. They are keeping a *reminding* eye on me :) shower and nap (as I forgot how much swimming wears ya out) I fixed us up a snack. Yah, you know it included watermelon. I put some apples on there and then thought... Oh, need protien, so cheese and peanut butter. I looked at it and thought how impressive!
Just having fun and taking in the love. At any given moment someone will just grab you and give you a big hug. There is not enough hugs in the world.
So today so far has just been having fun and enjoying things (and eating a lot of watermelon).
More adventures to report..
*********************
Good evening! If I have stated writing this 2 min before midnight can I still call it today?
Shauna and I were able to go out together tonight and just be buddies. We ate at In and Out burgers. I always heard about it and it lived up to its name. we even got a hat! We headed up to the strip and a date with m&m world!! Yah that place is amazing.
We did a lot of walking out on the strip and there were all kinds of people. Even in the store there was people everywhere. I did really well with it all. Shauna asked me a few times if I was ok and I was. As long as I kept her a half step or so in front of me where I could see her, I was fine. The only time it started to get me was when we were in the checkout line at m&m. It was a narrow space and it was warm in there anyways, so I started having a little of that trapped feeling. I got through it though. The only anxiety I am starting to have is thinking about going back home.
We talked about a lot and she asked what I had been experiencing. I said that I had been learning a lot, then I changed it as most things I already know/knew. I said that I am gaining confidence back. I am feeling without judging. I am honoring my body by eating and resting and playing. I am accepting that it is ok to just be me. And, accepting that I am ok physically as well (as in the issue of my size).
It is bed time. Sweet Vegas dreams to you all. More adventures tomorrow.
Day Five
Good morning all. It is odd with it being what I call *therapy Tuesday* and not going to therapies. In 24 hours I will be in the air on my way home. That has some worry and anxiety attached to it. It scares me actually. I want to keep moving forward from where I have managed to climb while being away, yet the past has dictated a pattern that this is not possible, I will fall backwards. Shauna and I were chatting of it last night and she reminded me that it is about choice (hmmm, what a familiar concept). It may be frightening to return home yet I have the choice of what direction I want to go and I am not alone. I do not have to try and make it on my own, I have nothing to prove.I have been working hard in my compassion and non judgmental thoughts toward myself. There has been a lot of pictures that I am in. It is still difficult to see myself big again. I just try to look past that and see the joy in the pictures. I try to remember that I am loved for who I am, and my size does not make me less loveable. As usual, seems I am the only one who worries so much about it. I have a fear that when I post pictures when I get back that someone will note the weight gain. Guess that is just something I will always fear.
I have not had my watch on much while here which means seeing my wrist a lot. Seems I have some new scars from my last *tripping over the pothole*. Not as noticeable as my forearm, yet bold enough they will not be fading away. As I said, practicing that self love thing. I just take a deep breath and tell myself that it is ok, it was just a moment in time and that moment does not define who I am.
So, those are my morning thoughts. Today is restful activity so I am fueled up for my return. Shauna and I are headed to the Temple this morning, then this evening we are all having smores over the fire pit, and clocking some hot tub time. Of course lots of loves and hugs with the kids in between!
I found a pix of the two older kids to include. This is their cousin Caleb, Breanne, and Ashton. And I got one finally of Matthew!
Report more this evening. Thank you all for letting me bring you along in my journey.
*********************
Shauna looked at me earlier today and asked what was going on. I have been much more quieter, reserved, and avoiding a lot of the interactions going on. My first instinct was to say *it is nothing, just a little tired* yet I was honest and said that I was starting to think about going home and it was bothering me and the anxiety and fear were a much higher level today. She noted that was her guess and then said, how about we talk about it, make a plan?
Although I have been more to myself still laugh at these kids. It was *dance-a-thon* earlier. 18 months, 3, 8, 10, and 12 going at it. I think I learned some new moves. Other moves I thought to myself, *I take medication for that* :))
Shauna and I attended the temple earlier today. A wonderful few hours to just ponder and relax...and to be with my buddy was the best.
As the night winds down we will have *family home evening* which is family time with a little gospel message, activity, and treat. If we are still up for it, Shauna and I have a late night run to the 7-11planned to get slurpees!! Yah, slushies rock, yet nothing beats a slurpee!!!!
And I think that wraps up the Chronicles of Vegas. Thank you everyone for letting me share my time with you. As I wait on my plane tomorrow I will send out a little wrap up. I should be pulling into my drive around dinner time tomorrow. I will let you know I have made it back.
Hugs to you all.
Day Six
Hey all. I am coming home, hope you all can handle having me back. I wish I could say I am not anxious yet that would be a huge lie. It has been an amazing week where I have been able to control my anxiety, my eating issues, and regain a lot of confidence. Walking back into the environment that is pre Vegas has me quite apprehensive. I know it will be ok and it still has me on edge.I am getting to preboard again which helps. Being in that crowd of people trying to locate seats is not the smartest move.
Shauna and I talked a lot last night (am going on 3 hours sleep) about my next steps. She said that my home needs to feel safe and mine and to think about what I can do or change to make it so. It just has not felt peaceful since mom lived there with me.
...oh fun, alarm is going off here at the airport *ladies and gentleman an alarm has been activated. Please remain calm while it is investigated* along with a flashing strobe light. Well, that just helps my anxiety wonderfully!!!!!
We talked about finances since that is one of my too triggers. Shauna is in real estate and does financial planning as a part of it. She says she loves the numbers game. So she is going to help with getting me on a budget and starting to get out of debt. She said I cannot be stressing about money, that we would come up with a plan.
Although anxious, I do feel I have regained a chunk of confidence. I guess the real test starts on landing, which by the way I just heard them say the air is having issues on the plane...80+ degrees in the cabin. Oh what a wonderful opportunity to practice my skills.
I will report upon landing that I am in one piece (or not). Have a great day!
*********************
Guess who arrived safely? Am in crawfordsville eating as I made a couple sandwiches last night to take with me and left them in the fridge. The in flight treats of graham crackers and m&m's just was not doing much for me.
Did not sleep on flight yet did a lot of thinking. It keeps going through my head *you are in a really healthy spot, do not screw it up*
Shauna hugged me before I left and said *you may still have setbacks, do not beat yourself up* and I am all worked up because I do not want to have setbacks, I want to keep doing what I am supposed to and all that. Maybe a bit unrealistic thinking there. I just feel like I am in this spot and I can go any direction I want from here forward and I am so afraid of taking a wrong step - with the eating, with the emotional stuff, with life in general. Leave it to me to get all worked up over getting worked up. So that is where I am, just a bit scared as I am back on my own again.
Headed the rest of the way home. I pick Tess up tomorrow morning. Will be back in time to get her tonight yet maybe should just take the evening to settle back in.