Spooked

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As I work to get healthy, I have moments that I just shake my head and am quickly reminded of my fragility.

Nick was in charge of out meeting today. Yah, that was going to be a nightmare from the beginning as this was a meeting I have had to sit through at least two other times in the past.

I did not want to do this today and thought about becoming sick and having to leave work early. Yes, there was a high probability it was going to be a nightmare. Let's just say, it did not disappoint.

Within ten minutes it was in full swing and I felt threatened an trapped. I managed to step out for a few moments yet I had to go back in. For the next 40 minutes I was shaking and twitching and doing everything I could to cover and hide it. I did well. It was exhausting and I managed to do it.

I got through the meeting and went fishing. I had not planned in going yet I needed something to get me calmed down. 10 fish later, including one so small it looked like it belonged in a gold fish bowl, I had managed to take charge of things again.

As I drove home, the desire to hurt myself was so strong. The flashes included putting the gun to my head again. I saw myself cutting accompanied by anger and hate. I started counting bridge posts and spooked myself a bit. I knew I was safe in regards to doing something yet the thoughts were so strong. At one point the thought started playing ovw and over in my head, "I don't want to make myself hurt, I want to die."

I have been rattled and that is ok I guess. It is a "reminder" I might say. I realize that I am still vulnerable to the domino effect with everything when triggered. It is my guess that it was the specific feeling of being trapped that made the reaction so bad. I mean, the whole mom being in town was a trigger and yet I was not out to kill myself because of it.

It reminds me that I may think I have come a long way and yet it may not be as far as I think. It scares me that my mind can still pull up those desires and pull them up so strong. If makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed and therefore very reluctant to contact someone to help me as they pass through. For me, having those kinds of thoughts and desires means I have done something wrong....or not done something right.

I pushed through it and I stayed safe. I was reminded that I may never be "healthy" in the emotional department. I will always have these dark thoughts that will try and get me, try to catch me off guard. My biggest fear? What happens when they succeed?

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