Status quo
Been dodging writing on here. Decided if I couldn't write something that was was negative, dark, or defeating, then I needed to just stay away. Have kind of done the same with my drawing. Guess what, the only thing it is accomplishing is no writing and no drawings and a lot of stuff building up in my head. And then I end up in the "I wish I could talk to someone" versus "don't you think you have bothered people enough" argument playing over and over in my head. Yes, I probably have bothered and annoyed the hell out of people lately with my whining and carrying on, yet that doesn't negate that I still wish I had someone to talk to. Maybe I need to expand my people I know as to give the ones in my current circle a break from me. Yah, seems I am in that spot again. I am not fond of this spot. I am not really my best advocate when I am here. Thing is, I don't work real hard to allow anyone else to be my advocate either.
My hand and arm are healing from my adventures last Sunday night. The inside of my hand is healed up, the cut down my arm is down to "just looks like a scratch" status, and my wrist still looks a little rough, yet is hidden well under my watch. It would probably heal quicker if I didn't have my watch rubbing against it, yet it is a trade off. I hate that I still have such strong desires to do things like cut myself. I sent Chris an email yesterday about something I remembered from when Kel and I lived together the first time. I had totally forgotten about it, yet how interesting that two years ago (by the way, happy anniversary, as tomorrow will be the official "2 year mark") was not the first time I cut myself. It got me to thinking if I had done anything before that memory as well. I don't think so. Seeing that it wasn't until after I came home from college that the self-harming stuff really kicked in to the next level, I don't think I ever did anything that drew blood. I do know that through the years I would hold a serrated knife blade in my hand and make a fist around it as hard as I could. Sometimes I would punch something while holding the knife, other times I would pull the knife out of my hand. It was all about destruction. Funny how I never thought of that as "cutting".
I get such an emotional build-up. Whether it be anger, fear, sadness, or another emotion, it just gets to a point where I feel like I am going to explode. It is like I have to have an outlet for the emotion, have to find a way to take some of the pressure off. I have tried, without much success, to "sit with it" which depending on the emotion, either makes it worse (it just continues to build), or it moves from one emotion to another with heightened intensity. I just can't seem to beat that. I can identify it, I can be in the moment with it, I just can't seem to relieve it in a healthy, safe way yet. It sure does not help the whole "feeling like I am a lost cause" thought track. It messes with my head a lot, a lot more than I really care for it to. Just like right now, I have been sitting her for over an hour with my teeth clenched and feeling frustrated. I have been on an emotional roller coaster most of the day and that is probably why I have slept so much today. With that, I know that knife is sitting on the table right behind me. I seriously want to pick it up, scream "you're not fu****g worth it" and slam it through my hand. Yup, that is what my head is doing to me right now. So I sit here, and I don't move in that direction. Whoo hoo, let's all be proud of the person Blewy still is!!! Interesting - I can save the world and yet I can't save myself. Maybe I am asking too much of the world. I need to be more happy with what I have and where I am and be thankful for it. I could be in a worse place and doing worse things.
Appreciation. Maybe that is what I need to work on this week.
My hand and arm are healing from my adventures last Sunday night. The inside of my hand is healed up, the cut down my arm is down to "just looks like a scratch" status, and my wrist still looks a little rough, yet is hidden well under my watch. It would probably heal quicker if I didn't have my watch rubbing against it, yet it is a trade off. I hate that I still have such strong desires to do things like cut myself. I sent Chris an email yesterday about something I remembered from when Kel and I lived together the first time. I had totally forgotten about it, yet how interesting that two years ago (by the way, happy anniversary, as tomorrow will be the official "2 year mark") was not the first time I cut myself. It got me to thinking if I had done anything before that memory as well. I don't think so. Seeing that it wasn't until after I came home from college that the self-harming stuff really kicked in to the next level, I don't think I ever did anything that drew blood. I do know that through the years I would hold a serrated knife blade in my hand and make a fist around it as hard as I could. Sometimes I would punch something while holding the knife, other times I would pull the knife out of my hand. It was all about destruction. Funny how I never thought of that as "cutting".
I get such an emotional build-up. Whether it be anger, fear, sadness, or another emotion, it just gets to a point where I feel like I am going to explode. It is like I have to have an outlet for the emotion, have to find a way to take some of the pressure off. I have tried, without much success, to "sit with it" which depending on the emotion, either makes it worse (it just continues to build), or it moves from one emotion to another with heightened intensity. I just can't seem to beat that. I can identify it, I can be in the moment with it, I just can't seem to relieve it in a healthy, safe way yet. It sure does not help the whole "feeling like I am a lost cause" thought track. It messes with my head a lot, a lot more than I really care for it to. Just like right now, I have been sitting her for over an hour with my teeth clenched and feeling frustrated. I have been on an emotional roller coaster most of the day and that is probably why I have slept so much today. With that, I know that knife is sitting on the table right behind me. I seriously want to pick it up, scream "you're not fu****g worth it" and slam it through my hand. Yup, that is what my head is doing to me right now. So I sit here, and I don't move in that direction. Whoo hoo, let's all be proud of the person Blewy still is!!! Interesting - I can save the world and yet I can't save myself. Maybe I am asking too much of the world. I need to be more happy with what I have and where I am and be thankful for it. I could be in a worse place and doing worse things.
Appreciation. Maybe that is what I need to work on this week.