Wishful thinking

-

As I have said before, drawing has been a major key to helping me express emotions and thoughts that I have struggled to find the words.

I think my favorites of lately are the one I did a few weeks back about "going home" and this one that came through the Vegas trip. 

I got thinking about this one a lot as I have gone through these past several days. I wondered how it plays out. Can I see what is on the other side? I do not think so. I think it is more of a "hope this is what is on the other side."

I do hope what comes out in my drawings (the positive ones) is reality. Granted, one cannot know for sure, yet I hope.

For many years I would reach out in front of me, as if the veil between here and the eternities was so thin that I could feel those on the other side. 

It exists...the other side. We are never far from our loved ones who were here before us and our family and friends who are still waiting to join us here. Yet we can't get back there until we come here. 

I just am struggling with thoughts these past few days. I don't know how to ask for the help I need and so I find myself pushing everyone away. I can watch what I am doing and it breaks my heart that I can't find that little piece in me to step up and out of an unhealthy comfort zone.

I still do not know what I will do this week.  I keep fighting between running away and sticking it out and trust in the trust I have in my people. 

Still have a day to make decisions and there is a whole lot to complete in that day. I'm scared and I wish someone would just grab me out of the craziness, hold me tight, and tell me it is all going to be ok.

Popular posts from this blog

Never a failure again

-
October 15, 1991 was a Tuesday. I was a junior at EIU studying Journalism. I remember waking up that morning feeling overwhelmed to a level I had never experienced. My roommate left for class and I sat there looking at the clock calculating what the last possible moment could be before I left for mine. The minutes continued to tick away until finally I put my shoes on, went out to my car, drove home, and walked away from it all. I remember when I got home. I was asked why I was there and, now that I think back to it, my answer of "I'm not going back" may not have been the best statement to make. I was not on scholarship, yet I had enough grants that I was pretty much on a free ride. I was an honor student, smart and innovative. I pulled A's and B's with minimal effort. I loved learning and I loved the college environment. I had my educational planned out through a doctorate degree. It just could not be understood how I could walk away from a free education. It was...
Read more

No more numbers

-
It has been a pretty full afternoon. I finally slowed down about 8 while working on a friend's computer. I knew I had "stopped long enough to breathe" as I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I react to anxiety a lot different now. Instead of letting it overwhelm me and take control, I generally think to myself, "oh, well, look at that" and take a deep breath or two. That is what I did earlier. Just took a few breaths, acknowledged the anxiety, reminded myself that I knew what it was being triggered by, told myself I would address it later, then kept working on the computer. I was able to meet with my old nutritionist this afternoon. I am so glad I followed my desire to hunt her down as it was a great meeting. We caught up on things, talked about my getting healthy journey and surgery. When I was seeing her, I had been looking into surgery and my insurance at the time had so many hoops to jump through that it just became too much. Actually, that is why I started see...
Read more

Checking in

-
Hey Blewy Hey there. You've been sitting here a while, you ok? Yah, just looking around the empty gym and thinking. Will you share with me what is on your mind? Like, what do you know about this gym? Is it a familiar place or just a plain old gym? Oh, it is no ordinary gym, never been. This is the gym from my middle school days. Not sure why, yet when I have tried to imagine the rowdy kids and the loudness, this is where it is. Seems a little ironic as, even though I really did not care for middle school, a lot of great things happened in this gym. I played ball in this gym and 10 years later would return and coach here. Ok, so memories of PE class are not exactly top of the list, yet I will take all the ball ones. Band was up there on the stage, another great moment in time. I played flute then. You know, there was this room up top of the stage, like there was this door that went to some space that was above the locker rooms. We always wondered what was up there and even when I ca...
Read more