Cycle of life
I have not written in a very long time. Between my weekly missionary letters and my therapy visits where I seem to talk way too much, I just haven't written. I don't think that I am keeping myself from writing, I mean I am not having this great desire to write and then telling myself that I can't. I just don't have "much to say" - at least through this medium. Have not drawn very much either although I did have an interesting one in my head the other day that I almost put down on paper. I think that the trigger for that one has not finished its course, so I imaging it will get drawn eventually.
It is almost 4 pm. I have been up a whole 2.5 hours. Only got out of bed because Lora came by to pick up some stuff. Would most likely still be in bed had she not been by. I have a lot to get done today and I am just not feeling it. Was like this yesterday too. I do believe this is called "depression." I seriously could go back to bed right now, and might just do so after I write this. I don't even want to go fishing and it is perfect fishing weather outside right now. There is a big flashing sign that I am depressed.
I probably have a good idea what has triggered this round to put me back on this side of the cycle of my life, yet is that really important? I can't change any of it. Yes, I can change how I deal with and react to it, yet I cannot change it specifically. I really don't care to change any of it right now. What I would like to do is sleep. I am so tired. I left work early yesterday because I thought that if I didn't, I would not have been able to drive home safely.
Chris and I have talked a bit about maybe my sleep apnea is back, yet the more I think about that, even if it is, it is only slight. I am not waking up all the time like I used to with it. I think a large part is nutrition. Yah, I know, am there again. I put on some shorts the other day and they were tighter and that just triggers all the bad things once again. I did write an email to Tami and Mel yesterday saying that even though I am not always good with having numbers, that I probably should start recording measurements of food as I can put down that I ate something and that is not lying, yet I have only ate a small amount of it. It is a cycle I get into and do not realize I am doing it until I get to places like this - where I can hardly function. Thank goodness for Sprite, it is my lifesaver of energy boosts. And, thank goodness for the can of it at our meeting yesterday as I think it was the only way I had enough umph to walk back to the office.
I have one problem when I get to the "well, crap" realization point with it all.....I know I have to eat, and I am afraid to eat. Although I know it is not true, the "eating will make you fat" line just screams through my head. I did a big walk with Tami on Thursday and a small walk yesterday and I found myself again fighting the hunger afterwards. My body was saying "feed me!" and my brain was all "if I eat I negate everything I just did." I struggle so hard with it all. Tami says it is the disorder. Know what, the disorder sucks. What sucks even more is when it is controlling me, not me controlling it - like recently. The thing I still have not been able to master is figuring out what is going on and then being able to snap my fingers and go in the right direction. It doesn't help that when I get to this place all the "you are wasting everyone's time" thoughts jump in as well.
I have been doing so well with not acting on the thoughts to hurt myself. Seriously, I have done really, really good. It is not easy. Unfortunately, it is not a "well, if you are not going to do as I want you to, then I will just go away" situation. They are loud and they are demanding. As if my choosing not to act on them only makes them louder sometimes. It is like I have taken away my tool of punishment and discipline and my mind still demands action to be taken. Imaging being in a room and someone screaming at you "get out! get out!" and yet there are no doors or windows or other ways to leave. There may be other options, yet you are being so hounded so hard that you cannot think clearly enough to come up with any. You just stand there, not moving. Although that doesn't get you anywhere, it keeps you from getting hurt. Eventually the screaming stops, the voices quiet, yet I sure feel quite beat up afterwards.
I did get a little spooked this past week or so. Never said anything about it though. With all that has happened lately, and especially with mom coming back, the thoughts have been louder and more intense (kind of expected) yet they have been scarier too. Although the "hurt yourself" thoughts are kind of second nature, it has been a long time since I have had any really strong suicidal desires. I have not wanted to say anything simply because to admit I am struggling with those again is like admitting defeat, and I do not need any additional help feeling defeated right now. I just want to shut down completely, make life stop. I just want to disappear and go away, and not in a "go to Vegas" type of get away.
I can't though. Too many people depend on me. I don't say that in a cocky, self-righteous kind of way, yet there is truth to it. Joe needs me for my address so the boys can go to Oakwood, I have business clients, I have church responsibilities. A lot of people are potentially affected if I die. The saddest part about it all right now, I manage to keep the number on the intent scale low due to this "I am needed" thought. Whether true or not, it is keeping me from doing anything. May no one say to me "the world would go on without you" in any sense of a serious way, as I think that would be like the statement of permission to just do something really bad.
I'm sure Satan is dancing and celebrating, "I got her!!! I got her!!!!" Asshole. He knows I won't directly tell anyone that the thoughts and desires are back. He knows I will make myself suffer with them alone as not to burden, bother, or worry anyone. And for a "good" point (I guess), I have to cross the "hurt myself" line to get to the "suicide" line and then all deals are off. Maybe I need to draw that picture that is in my head.
Ok, still so much to get done. Supposed to have company over tonight, yet think I am going to cancel that. Have made it up for a couple hours, I think it is time for a nap. Things are always better after a nap. Yes, this is what I am going with.
It is almost 4 pm. I have been up a whole 2.5 hours. Only got out of bed because Lora came by to pick up some stuff. Would most likely still be in bed had she not been by. I have a lot to get done today and I am just not feeling it. Was like this yesterday too. I do believe this is called "depression." I seriously could go back to bed right now, and might just do so after I write this. I don't even want to go fishing and it is perfect fishing weather outside right now. There is a big flashing sign that I am depressed.
I probably have a good idea what has triggered this round to put me back on this side of the cycle of my life, yet is that really important? I can't change any of it. Yes, I can change how I deal with and react to it, yet I cannot change it specifically. I really don't care to change any of it right now. What I would like to do is sleep. I am so tired. I left work early yesterday because I thought that if I didn't, I would not have been able to drive home safely.
Chris and I have talked a bit about maybe my sleep apnea is back, yet the more I think about that, even if it is, it is only slight. I am not waking up all the time like I used to with it. I think a large part is nutrition. Yah, I know, am there again. I put on some shorts the other day and they were tighter and that just triggers all the bad things once again. I did write an email to Tami and Mel yesterday saying that even though I am not always good with having numbers, that I probably should start recording measurements of food as I can put down that I ate something and that is not lying, yet I have only ate a small amount of it. It is a cycle I get into and do not realize I am doing it until I get to places like this - where I can hardly function. Thank goodness for Sprite, it is my lifesaver of energy boosts. And, thank goodness for the can of it at our meeting yesterday as I think it was the only way I had enough umph to walk back to the office.
I have one problem when I get to the "well, crap" realization point with it all.....I know I have to eat, and I am afraid to eat. Although I know it is not true, the "eating will make you fat" line just screams through my head. I did a big walk with Tami on Thursday and a small walk yesterday and I found myself again fighting the hunger afterwards. My body was saying "feed me!" and my brain was all "if I eat I negate everything I just did." I struggle so hard with it all. Tami says it is the disorder. Know what, the disorder sucks. What sucks even more is when it is controlling me, not me controlling it - like recently. The thing I still have not been able to master is figuring out what is going on and then being able to snap my fingers and go in the right direction. It doesn't help that when I get to this place all the "you are wasting everyone's time" thoughts jump in as well.
I have been doing so well with not acting on the thoughts to hurt myself. Seriously, I have done really, really good. It is not easy. Unfortunately, it is not a "well, if you are not going to do as I want you to, then I will just go away" situation. They are loud and they are demanding. As if my choosing not to act on them only makes them louder sometimes. It is like I have taken away my tool of punishment and discipline and my mind still demands action to be taken. Imaging being in a room and someone screaming at you "get out! get out!" and yet there are no doors or windows or other ways to leave. There may be other options, yet you are being so hounded so hard that you cannot think clearly enough to come up with any. You just stand there, not moving. Although that doesn't get you anywhere, it keeps you from getting hurt. Eventually the screaming stops, the voices quiet, yet I sure feel quite beat up afterwards.
I did get a little spooked this past week or so. Never said anything about it though. With all that has happened lately, and especially with mom coming back, the thoughts have been louder and more intense (kind of expected) yet they have been scarier too. Although the "hurt yourself" thoughts are kind of second nature, it has been a long time since I have had any really strong suicidal desires. I have not wanted to say anything simply because to admit I am struggling with those again is like admitting defeat, and I do not need any additional help feeling defeated right now. I just want to shut down completely, make life stop. I just want to disappear and go away, and not in a "go to Vegas" type of get away.
I can't though. Too many people depend on me. I don't say that in a cocky, self-righteous kind of way, yet there is truth to it. Joe needs me for my address so the boys can go to Oakwood, I have business clients, I have church responsibilities. A lot of people are potentially affected if I die. The saddest part about it all right now, I manage to keep the number on the intent scale low due to this "I am needed" thought. Whether true or not, it is keeping me from doing anything. May no one say to me "the world would go on without you" in any sense of a serious way, as I think that would be like the statement of permission to just do something really bad.
I'm sure Satan is dancing and celebrating, "I got her!!! I got her!!!!" Asshole. He knows I won't directly tell anyone that the thoughts and desires are back. He knows I will make myself suffer with them alone as not to burden, bother, or worry anyone. And for a "good" point (I guess), I have to cross the "hurt myself" line to get to the "suicide" line and then all deals are off. Maybe I need to draw that picture that is in my head.
Ok, still so much to get done. Supposed to have company over tonight, yet think I am going to cancel that. Have made it up for a couple hours, I think it is time for a nap. Things are always better after a nap. Yes, this is what I am going with.