Apologies

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When I would mess things up with mom, I would do all I could to fix them. I would admit to being a screw up, being selfish, not meeting her expectations, and more. Throughout it, I would apologize over and over. I would apologize and tell her I would try harder, I would try to be better. She would reply either, "that is what you said last time" or "sorry isn't going to cut it anymore" or "I keep hearing you say it but I don't see you doing it."

That is what has been going through my head tonight, over and over. I feel like I am disappointing everyone, and so I keep apologizing even when I am being told I don't have to. With each apology, I flinch a little, awaiting the responses I am so used to hearing - the ones that, although so destructive, are so familiar.

I feel really messed up emotionally right now, and could very quickly move into a "I'm not safe" position. The desire to hurt myself scale is 10+ and the intent scale is quickly rising. A part of me says to go to bed while another part is afraid to get up and move. Stay still, stay safe. If I don't move, the darkness won't see me.

I still need to write my weekly email, yet I do not think I can do it right now. That requires me to get to a place much lighter mentally than where I am right now and I don't feel like I have the strength to get there, or put on a good front that I am there.

I will get up early. I know what I want to write on. Things will be better tomorrow, I just need to get some rest. I need to go hide and sleep, quit bothering people.

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