A hug and "I love you"

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4:47. I have been doing good all day. Even had a good session with Chris. Even with everything that was on my mind, I did well. Went fishing and now here I sit in my car, emotionally crashing.

I just started getting sad all of a sudden. Cannot think of anything obviously that triggered it. I got fin stabbed by a fish yet that is not something to make me sad, that just makes me wish I had band aids in my tackle box.

I feel alone, really alone. Maybe it was getting a text from Erickson. I miss my missionaries and they have moved on with life and it is really odd to not have regular communication with them.

Maybe it was talking about mom. I doubt that, as that makes me anxious and scared not sad.

Maybe it was the "hungry for love" discussion. I am going to lean toward that one. I keep going back to that discussion and chewing on it. I sit and think "if I read the affirmations sheet to God, will He give me a hug and tell me He loves me?" I am guessing the answer would be "He already does it." We all know that I do not hear God very well sometimes.

My heart hurts. I am really sad. Vegas Christian (3) just sent me a pix of his arms wide open - he was sending m back a hug. Shauna says she showed him the pix I sent (one-armed selfie hug) and he said I, "Yay, Christy!  I love Christy!" My heart aches even more.

What happened to tough Blewy who did not let things like this bother her? Oh yah, she started feeling again. Go figure.

I need to head home although I do not have to be there until 7:30. As long as I can stop somewhere and wash my hands, then I am good.

There is that part of me going "snap out of it" and the other part going "it is ok to feel sad, go for it." So I sit here alone and let it work its way by. It is Friday night, last thing I am doing is asking someone to join me - in person or virtually. Yes, I know, that is my choice. I keep thinking that one of these times I find myself in this spot that I will finally cry. I have even given up on my desire to be with one of my therapy family when it happens. I could smack my hand with a hammer...that would make me cry. And then Tami would torch my jersey :) no hammering the hand.

Well, time to go and do. World is not going to stop because I am having a mood. It will get better. The elders will make me laugh. As well, I have plenty of experience with Latins and God discussions, there will most likely be a "can't make this stuff up" moment or two.

Deep breath and move forward. That is what I have to keep doing.

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