Doing better
I would venture to say I have made strides at recognizing and naming my emotions/feelings. Still working on that "what to do with them" part.
I do a lot of searching online for things, like recognizing and dealing with emotions, or how to deal with anxiety, and more. I many times look a lot into the results that are aimed at kids/youth. I figure if I am learning things that I should have learned when I was younger, then it is a good start. You would be surprised how much you can learn.
There are also a lot of visual resources that are great reminders. It really is about the basics, no matter what age you are.
I have no definition for the word "better" and yet I am continually stating that I need to be it. This was part of today's discussion in session. I think I had written in one of my entries something to the effect of always saying I need to be better and yet I have no clue what that really means.
I was always encouraged to be my best. I have heard more times than I can count, "If you would just apply yourself..." comments. This meant simply, that I could do better. No matter where I was at, I could do better, I just had to apply myself more. I became an overachiever at an unrealistic level. If I could give 90%, then I could give 100%. If I gave 100%, I should have given 110%. Looking back, I never could give my best because I kept raising the bar even when it would not go any higher. I still do. In a way, it is all I know.
"Can you be ok with where you are now?"
I find it even difficult to process that question. I want to quickly respond, "I am not allowed to be ok with where I am now." In the why question that might follow, I would lean toward, "because I can do better." Even when I don't know what that really means, it is what I have to do. I can't stop, I can't breathe, I can't give in, I have to keep pushing and pushing.
Even though I may not be able to define "better" for myself, I do have some ideas of the opposite. If I cannot do better, then I have failed. If I choose not to do better, I quit. If I haven't done better, I disappoint. (I seem to hear Chris in the back of my head going "Myth??")
Things are not supposed to be hard for me. Yah, that sounds prideful or something like that. The thing is, I was good at figuring things out and making them work. I could be successful in things that were not supposed to be. I was the one who could make it work, even if the solution was odd or unconventional, I could make it work. I seem to have lost my skill.
I was always the one that when a comment was made to the such of "that would be hard for anyone" the reply was "I am not just anyone." It was expected. I was expected to give everything I had and more. It is just how it was. People did not sacrifice for me so I could be lazy. If I appreciated things done for me, I better give everything I had back in return. Nothing comes for free, so don't act like it.
I don't know and I don't understand how to be ok with where I am now. I have never been allowed to be ok with where I am - by myself or by others. How to be at peace with "here" when I have it in me to be "there" - even if I cannot define where "there" is? Yes, giving 110% is unrealistic, and yet I better be willing to do it and then I better do it.
It makes me sad. It makes me sad on one level that I can't define "better" and it makes me sad on another that I have this thought and behavior pattern that I have to keep striving toward doing better - even if I am shooting into the wind.
There are also a lot of visual resources that are great reminders. It really is about the basics, no matter what age you are.
I have no definition for the word "better" and yet I am continually stating that I need to be it. This was part of today's discussion in session. I think I had written in one of my entries something to the effect of always saying I need to be better and yet I have no clue what that really means.
I was always encouraged to be my best. I have heard more times than I can count, "If you would just apply yourself..." comments. This meant simply, that I could do better. No matter where I was at, I could do better, I just had to apply myself more. I became an overachiever at an unrealistic level. If I could give 90%, then I could give 100%. If I gave 100%, I should have given 110%. Looking back, I never could give my best because I kept raising the bar even when it would not go any higher. I still do. In a way, it is all I know.
"Can you be ok with where you are now?"
I find it even difficult to process that question. I want to quickly respond, "I am not allowed to be ok with where I am now." In the why question that might follow, I would lean toward, "because I can do better." Even when I don't know what that really means, it is what I have to do. I can't stop, I can't breathe, I can't give in, I have to keep pushing and pushing.
Even though I may not be able to define "better" for myself, I do have some ideas of the opposite. If I cannot do better, then I have failed. If I choose not to do better, I quit. If I haven't done better, I disappoint. (I seem to hear Chris in the back of my head going "Myth??")
I was always the one that when a comment was made to the such of "that would be hard for anyone" the reply was "I am not just anyone." It was expected. I was expected to give everything I had and more. It is just how it was. People did not sacrifice for me so I could be lazy. If I appreciated things done for me, I better give everything I had back in return. Nothing comes for free, so don't act like it.
I don't know and I don't understand how to be ok with where I am now. I have never been allowed to be ok with where I am - by myself or by others. How to be at peace with "here" when I have it in me to be "there" - even if I cannot define where "there" is? Yes, giving 110% is unrealistic, and yet I better be willing to do it and then I better do it.
It makes me sad. It makes me sad on one level that I can't define "better" and it makes me sad on another that I have this thought and behavior pattern that I have to keep striving toward doing better - even if I am shooting into the wind.