Stronger and greater

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Although I am continually reminded that one does not exist, I feel I have exceeded my email quota lately. Seeing that my blogging is severely *under* quota, everybody wins by me choosing to create a post.

I was pretty frightened this morning. I awoke with a heavy weight of guilt and negativity. This is not new, it correlates with good days or good moments. It is that "you are not allowed to feel good without paying a price" crap. Sadly, it is generally of parallel intensity. Seeing how amazing Monday was, it was pulling out all the stops to match up.

I hate to say that it is expected as that makes it sound like it is a connected process that is supposed to be connected. It isn't. It has been for many years yet I have recently realized it is a fallacy. Being young in my conclusion, seems it was going to give it one last try.

Maybe my first win was recognizing it and what was happening. Awareness is good. Was not making the initial whack of it any less intense yet it made me get up and keep pushing forward.

I got up, took a deep breath, and in voz alto, reminded myself that I was stronger than the darkness. I thought about my drawing...all of me together is stronger than the darkness. I thought about the blessing the elders gave me before I headed home that said that no matter what darkness may be in my life, I will always be greater and stronger than it. It could be a rough day and I could stay on top of it.

I got dressed. I pulled out clothes that made me feel empowered and went for it. Although not a regular habit, I do know how to pull strength from a good outfit. As well I like to watch how people react when I wear clothes that actually fit.

I headed out, saying a prayer before pulling out of the drive. In great appreciation for all the blessings and health lately I just asked for the strength to stay one step ahead of it all today.

It stayed close. Most of the day I was aware of its presence although I refused to let it take or negate my good moments. Not this time. I kept busy enough to keep it far from a high priority thought. I did good.

As the day went on I started to quickly tire and still I was able to stay ahead of it. I kept reminding myself that the connection could be broken. Good did not have to come with darkness. I am a good person and I do not have to pay a price to feel happy.

By the time I headed home I got to thinking how well I did with it all. I could have let it consume me and I didn't. So many moments during the day I could have dwelled on it, giving it more power, and I didn't. I did very well keep ahead of it, I really did. This time I did good.

Seems that I cannot guarantee that it will go away forever. Maybe like with other things, as I work to break that connection that should not have existed in the first place, it will be less intense. I can only hope.

With that, it is time for sleep.

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