It is ok to feel intimidated
Last year I was scared to death in class, namely because I had issues with the "group therapy" dynamic and I had not quite figured out that although it is a group and although it is therapy, there is a big difference.
It was about this time last year that I started getting comfortable or at least not being so freaked out about the group as a whole. By the time we did pros/cons, I felt like I had found my place in the class.
This group is *so* different. I expected it to a point yet, wow, it is really leaning toward an opposite pole. I had this picture painted in my mind of what it might be this round. Being there as a sophomore, I would at some level be an example or something. I would give feedback or answer some of the questions of the first timers with some wisdom and all that. My "experience" would give me some credibility or something.
Oh heck no. There are some very "strong" (for lack of a better word) personalities in there. Not calling it good or bad, just very different. I am intimidated very quickly when discussions start and have to catch myself as I am quick to compare myself to the others. It only took a couple classes for me to see that my hope of being a positive help was shattered by feelings of inadequacy.
At least I get to put the chairs up. Aside from the fact I like to do it, it is something I have some mastery with (I am a good "chair-putter-upper" person). Hopefully, I am not told to stop doing that or I really will feel pretty worthless.
It gets to me. There were many opportunities to speak up tonight and I actually had a lot I wanted to share in reply to questions by others in the group. I cowered. I backed down and I shut up.
When I realized what I was doing, I did not go for opposite action, I went for the "put up a false front" and don't let anyone know what I was really feeling. When I did speak it was not with confidence, it was with anxiety and worry of someone invalidating what I said. Something to work on.
It is ok. Really, it is. It is good practice for me - can I accept just "being" with no special purpose or role? Can I find a comfortable place in it all? Nothing like using your skills to find peace in the class that teaches the skills. Always an adventure, that is for sure.
On the upside, it was pink elephant/blue donkey night. Yup, still an awesome lesson. I am sure it is tough sometimes to teach the same material in different group dynamics, so I always appreciate all the effort Chris and Karen put into preparing and teaching us. I am sure that invest much more time into it than one realizes.
Ah, what do you do? One moment at a time.
It was about this time last year that I started getting comfortable or at least not being so freaked out about the group as a whole. By the time we did pros/cons, I felt like I had found my place in the class.
This group is *so* different. I expected it to a point yet, wow, it is really leaning toward an opposite pole. I had this picture painted in my mind of what it might be this round. Being there as a sophomore, I would at some level be an example or something. I would give feedback or answer some of the questions of the first timers with some wisdom and all that. My "experience" would give me some credibility or something.
Oh heck no. There are some very "strong" (for lack of a better word) personalities in there. Not calling it good or bad, just very different. I am intimidated very quickly when discussions start and have to catch myself as I am quick to compare myself to the others. It only took a couple classes for me to see that my hope of being a positive help was shattered by feelings of inadequacy.
At least I get to put the chairs up. Aside from the fact I like to do it, it is something I have some mastery with (I am a good "chair-putter-upper" person). Hopefully, I am not told to stop doing that or I really will feel pretty worthless.
It gets to me. There were many opportunities to speak up tonight and I actually had a lot I wanted to share in reply to questions by others in the group. I cowered. I backed down and I shut up.
When I realized what I was doing, I did not go for opposite action, I went for the "put up a false front" and don't let anyone know what I was really feeling. When I did speak it was not with confidence, it was with anxiety and worry of someone invalidating what I said. Something to work on.
It is ok. Really, it is. It is good practice for me - can I accept just "being" with no special purpose or role? Can I find a comfortable place in it all? Nothing like using your skills to find peace in the class that teaches the skills. Always an adventure, that is for sure.
On the upside, it was pink elephant/blue donkey night. Yup, still an awesome lesson. I am sure it is tough sometimes to teach the same material in different group dynamics, so I always appreciate all the effort Chris and Karen put into preparing and teaching us. I am sure that invest much more time into it than one realizes.
Ah, what do you do? One moment at a time.