Friday thoughts - 11/17/2023

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I learned some new terminology today - Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. Doesn't that sound big and scary. Yes, more scariness. Ang gave me several sheets to look at about it. I have not gotten to them yet, and that is a goal for this next two weeks. The "well, hell." moment had to do with talking about my fear of having stuff taken away - confidence, etc. It was pointed out that no one takes that away, I give it up. I have always been like this and I haven't. How's that for dialectics. 

When was I good and confident? When I had others behind me "cheering me on" as you might say. I think of how easily I broke when that wasn't there. I sit here at the moment and wonder, what did you ever do "on your own" and it is difficult. It is sad that I have had to share the light from others because of fear of failing and being a disappointment. 

"This is about you and no one else." That is what I imagine hearing from the therapy family. This isn't about making someone else happy, whole, powerful. It's about me making me that way. It is terrifying. Yes, back to that again. I seriously think about this "just stand up and take the power" and I want to go throw up my socks. I want it so bad and it just brings me so much exacerbation. 

One step. One little, tiny, baby step is all I should think about right now. Put the whole big picture aside - do I even know what the whole picture is??? - and just take one baby step. Try to find the confidence of a toddler learning to walk, and then take one step. I have to trust if I fall on my face -- well, let's try that again, I have to trust that I won't fall on my face because someone will catch me. 

Not alone. I am not alone in this. I need to print that out and hang it up and read it a lot. I am not alone in this. I have resources that I can ask questions, share feelings, maybe even ask to "walk with me" on something. I have to trust my people that are giving me support in this that they are not going to let me get hurt. 

Now, what is it that you want to do here? Seems we need some goals, and that isn't for this post. So plainly I can still feel that confidence and I would like to have that back. Not sporadically, yet an ongoing confidence in myself and who I am. I don't want to be my own worst enemy. 

One moment at a time. Between that and "choice," I have to understand that the person driving the bus is I. I have to get a grasp on life right now, I feel like I am totally drowning. I look around my house and there is the stack of dishes - clean ones that need put away, dirty ones that need washed. There are clothes to be folded and laundered. Things are stacked upon stacks. My poor blankets smell worse than Gilly and Gilly is in need of a bath. I am failing, I struggle to get up, a piece of me is like "it's a new day" while another is "I hate living." I feel so alone, yet I want to recoup things of the past. 

The past is the past. I would love to reclaim this and that and another of these (and so on) from my past. The past is the past, and we don't really get to relive it. Thankfully, as there is plenty of it I don't want to relive, although there are characteristics that I would like to grasp. I'd like to see myself the way others see me - and not the way the bullies always saw me, I think I have that memory down pretty well. 

One step. Yup, back around to that. Heck, at this point, let's just work on scooting to the edge of the seat, I am not even going to ask myself to stand and try to walk at this moment, just get to the edge. I can do that. 

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