Hurting

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Yesterday I fixed a batch of chicken, vegetables, and quiona in the crock pot. When I got home from fishing, the house smelled amazing. It would make for easily 3-4 meals for Tess and I. I took out the crock so it would cool before I put it away.

7 am I woke up haunted by this thought, "I forgot to put the food away!" Sure enough, there it sat on the counter. My memory has its issues and when I am not 100%, it is worse. Checking the facts....um, yup, it is proven.

Seems I am still struggling today. I feel confused, sad, and frustrated. I still want to hurt myself. I should rephrase that to make it more accurate... I want to make myself hurt. I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to play replace emotional pain by using physical pain. I want to make myself feel pain, I want to punish myself, I want it to hurt. In my mind, I have done something wrong and if I make it hurt enough then it can go away. I will have paid my price. Problem is, I do not have a "paid in full" spot. "You will sit there until I tell you that you can get up." "You will stay in your room until I say you can come out." It is the learned pattern only now it is me, "you will hurt until I say you don't have to."

It frightens me, those thoughts, because they are so powerful. It doesn't help the feelings of confusion, fear, and aloneness.

For the most part, today will be busy enough to keep me distracted. The kids at church will hug on me and have no idea that they give me strength. It is going to be a one moment at a time day. As well, a one moment at a time conscious battle against causing myself physical pain.

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