Sometimes you have to go home to find yourself

Well hello Christy.

Hey.

Nice to see you, and you know you can't stay here.

I know. Things have just been so confusing lately. Things are changing fast, things have me feeling lost. Sometimes it is feels like too much, too fast. Figured I could come back here for a moment and just remember when it all felt right.

I see. I knew this would be a harder part of your journey and that is why I have sent you some of my finest angels. 

Oh yes, they are wonderful and amazing and I do not know how I could get through things without them. Thank you for allowing them to be a part of my journey.

Why don't you share with me some of the things on your mind? I know you have a lot of thoughts mingling together, so just tell me some of them.

I know everyday is a new day and a new chance to define our journey. I also know that I am who I am because of the journey I have been on, even though it has been difficult at times. You see, that is one part of it - I am who I am because of what I have gone through and what I have learned. The problem is, I continue to learn that what I learned may not have been correct or healthy. So suddenly, this life of mine that was based on all of that suddenly becomes messed up.

I spent 20 years blaming myself for the abuse stuff. I think of all those years I lived life a certain way and then I am shown that it was not my fault and suddenly the past 20 years have this invalidity attached to them. Now I am facing the same thing again with the hospital stuff.

If I am able to get to that point where I make peace with it, come to a conclusion that it was a positive choice, what does that mean of everything associated with it? What does that mean for all the years of choices I have made because of the experience? Again, it is like my whole life becomes invalid.

I am not even sure what I am struggling with in regards to it, there seem to be so many parts. It is like all these little pieces that have just added up to a big nightmare. Yes, I am still alive, and at what cost? I am guessing that the answer is something like it doesn't matter what it cost, the fact you are still alive overshadows anything that happened. I sometimes wonder, if one person had told me that going through that experience was nothing to be ashamed and embarrassed of, how different things might be.

Yes, through the years I have talked about it, usually in a joking manner because that is how I cope - make a joke out of it. Let's all keep finding humor in it as the moment I stop doing that, I am going to have to face the reality of it - I voluntarily admitted myself to a psych ward. Yes, I made a choice that secured my spot at the black sheep of the family. I didn't feel I had you because I had been told you were not happy with me either. I remember the few prayers I was able to say. They were all full of apologies for who I was. If I didn't hate myself enough going in, I sure did by the time I came out.

I look around here and remember the strength and valor I had at one time. I was full of wisdom. I had no doubts in the work I did or the tasks I was given. I was great. I was special. I meant something to myself and others. I was someone. I look around at all the new people standing and watching over the spirits they have been charged with. I was one of them and I would like to think I left some kind of legacy that makes them even better than we were.

I had that for a while. It took a bit for me to see it again, and I did. I knew who I was. I knew I was of worth. I did not just say it in hopes of believing it, I *knew* it. It was amazing. Then I started losing it little by little until I didn't feel it anymore. I am sure it was there just as I am sure it still is, I just do not know where that is. I think if I were to locate it, I would just look at it and feel like I was not worthy to have it back, to be that person, to own it again. Actually, I would say that may be where I am right now.

I get so scared sometimes. I have some very negative thoughts that randomly come through my mind. I have times where it is a continual string of thoughts of hurting myself. That has always scared me and even with what I have learned these past couple years, it still does. I think the piece that scares me the most is the desire to act on those thoughts. There are times I get mad at myself, not because I am having the self-harming desires, yet because I won't allow myself to act on them. The internal battle becomes exhausting after a while.

The reasons vary. Sometimes, like this past week, it is because I want to cause pain to myself, I feel I need to be punished. I feel I am horrible and I have to have the physical pain to match it. In my head it plays over and over, "you're stupid" and "I hate you" and "you're nothing." It is like I can't snap out of it.

Sometimes I am just hurting so bad inside and I can't figure out how to express it. It is like you are trying to shout, "I'm hurting I need help" and you can't get people to listen because you don't know how to shout the right thing. Then you have some who hear you and reply in the actions and words that are simply, "oh, you're tough, you will be ok" or such. So then I have the "need" to punish myself because I can't express what I am feeling, or I am being an annoyance. It is like hurting myself physically might help someone understand how bad I am hurting inside.

I just get tired of feeling so worthless that I want to choose destruction, that the battle with myself is so dangerous. Yes, there are moments when I feel I am worthy and special, yet they are so few. It is like being teased, it's like a cruel joke sometimes. I'm not a bad person, I really am not. I do the best that I can. Sure I have a little issue with procrastination, yet I always pull things off in the end. I'm not out doing harm to others on purpose and I probably do more good than I need to. I often think that if I just keep doing good, then someone will love me in the end - like truly, honestly love me for who I am.

Sounds like you have some heavy weight on your shoulders. Do you remember in your last week in Argentina, when you could not go out and work because of your back and you had to send Jen out with other people? She was still so new to the mission and was just learning the area and suddenly had to run the area. Remember what she said to you? How she was just learning and how could she be expected to know everything when she was still getting used to the language and all of that? What did you tell her?

I told her that I believed in her and that if I had any doubt that she could not do it, I would not send her out there. That I knew it was not easy for her and that she was scared, and I also knew she had the strength to do it and do it well.

And what became of Jen?

She did just fine with the area and went on to have a successful mission with most of it being a senior companion. She did just as I knew she would.

You see, this is very similar. I would not put the trials and tribulations in front of you if I did not believe that you could not get through them. I have never had a doubt in your ability to succeed. I know you are scared. I know you feel so alone. I know you struggle with some very serious and dangerous thoughts, and that is why I have made sure, especially in this time, that you are not alone.

I wish I could give you all the answers you are seeking, and I cannot. I can only encourage you to keep trying to find peace and comfort with things. I wish I could snap my fingers and all the negative thoughts would go away for you. Yes, I could do this and I won't. One of your most amazing characteristics is your ability to overcome. You are an example to so many people, far more than you can even imagine. There are times when your struggles become another's hope. I know it does not make it any easier and it is just how it is.

When you were here, you were a chosen spirit. Your presence could make people smile, feel happy, get through any problem. Your love was infectious and it was amazing to watch. I doubt you even knew that you did it, as it was just who you were. You knew everyone and everyone knew you. I used to laugh as you and your angels that are there with you now used to sit on that ledge and laugh with each other. You all would come up with these different ways you might find each other, without even knowing what life on earth was even going to be like. You all were so much fun to watch and you still are. 

Yes, you were very special when you were here and you are still. I know it is just words right now. I know that it is hard to accept because of the negativity you have had instilled into you. Just hang in there. I know you still have some rough road ahead, it is part of your journey. As I have said before, you will make it and you will not have to do it alone. You will never have to do it alone, you never will. 

I cannot tell you how to resolve the thoughts with the hospital. I wish I could find a way to convince you that I was always there, right by your side, and it breaks my heart that at such a vulnerable time you were told that I was not and I did not want to be. I want you to get to a point where you understand that you did not do anything wrong by making the choice to stay there. I want you to be able to work through the things you have allowed to take your feeling of worthiness away. It is going to be ok, it really is. I know that you are afraid and frustrated because you don't have all the answers or the understanding that you want. Oh my dear one, that is not a flaw, just another character trait that makes you who you are. You do not have to know it all, that is what you have help for. Let them teach and show you, and trust in them. Work hard to not feel like you are being a burden, as you are blessing them as they are blessing you - just as you all did once upon a time here, and will again when you all have returned. 

Now, it is time for you to go back. Look around, this is the legacy you left here just because of who you were...who you still are. Be patient and be genuine to yourself. Find strength in the new parts of yourself that you are discovering. Celebrate the healing and the joy. Just be you. Be the you who was given charge over so many. Be the you that assured Jen Richie that she would not fail. Be the you that always go forth with conviction and optimism. Just be you. You are loved by so many and you will be able to feel that again. It will be more than just words. You will heal emotionally. It may take longer than you want to wait, yet don't give up, it will come. 

I have so many more wonderful gifts and blessings for you and I excite to see you receive those through your life. What does Chris always tell you? Do good things for you. I can only second that. Now, go, live, experience, and be patient with yourself. You are growing and learning, try to enjoy the journey. Be well my wonderful daughter, my mighty warrior.