New ways
I feel weird. I think this is the self-compassion thing. It is not a good/bad thing, it is just different....it is vaguely familiar, yet like something from long ago that has crossed my path again.
Yah, I guess that would be a valid description. I am not quite sure what to do with it or how to react to it. I know, just let it happen and go from there. Sometimes I do not understand really what that means. Does that mean I try to analyze it, try to describe it, ignore it and just let it exist? I am finding myself kind of confused through it. I get what is happening, just not sure how to proceed with it.
I have learned not to ask, "is this normal?" I once in a while will go with, "is this typical?" The general answer is usually something to the effect of, if it works for you and it is not causing harm, then it is most likely ok. Just wish someone could explain to me what it is I am feeling and experiencing. I know it is not bad, it is just new (or new again). It would be nice to have someone introduce us. Unfortunately, my timing is never the greatest - I feel things when I am not around anyone to ask. I try to make note of them and then when I am around someone that I can ask, I usually have something else I am working through. Maybe that is a sign to keep trying to figure it out on my own.
I recently find myself asking the kids, "what do we do now?" as I do not feel so scared all the time. There was always a constant line of fear inside of me, kind of like when florescent lights are on, it makes that humming sound that you soon don't even notice, yet it is still there. Things have been "quieter" as the week has gone on. Sure, it gets riled up here and there, yet the continuous noise is so much less. I am sleeping better, the dreams are not as dark and scary. There is more color and more people. There are more memories in them - people, places, things that are familiar. When I wake during the night, I am not afraid to go back to sleep. The strong anxiety when I try to relax and go to sleep is much, much less. It still hits once in a while and even then the duration is less. I am very thankful for things like this.
I am tired more. I am thinking and pondering and my brain and spirit are working overtime - in good things - and my body just gets exhausted. Along with the mental tiredness, my physical body is just tired. Tammy and I were talking about hunger cues. I told her that I was still having trouble identifying being hungry. I shared that there are times when I don't think I am hungry at all and then I take a bite of something and it is like my body suddenly freaks out that there is food and I am scarfing my meal. Other times, I feel like I am starving to death and I fix something, take two bites, then don't want to eat anymore. She assured me that this is typical, that I have spent so many years ignoring hunger cues and telling myself the signals meant different things that I will have to relearn. She went on to say that my body will tell me it is hungry in other ways - exhaustion, weakness, muscle cramps, headaches, etc. I just shook my head and replied, "well, that make sense now" as I find myself fighting all those at different times. I am trying to just meet my body's needs as I can.
I got overwhelmed. I know I have talked about this a few times and I will soon shut up over it. It's my own doing. I started this whole count of days with no self-harm which really was an innocent way for me to have some accountability and as well, a visual reminder of how I was doing. I soon turned it into "you have to make it each day, you are not allowed to have a setback." I told myself that I wasn't allowed to feel the negative, I wasn't allowed to work through the rough thoughts. If they came, they had to be shoved aside. They soon got less and less for many reasons, yet when they did try to come, I would shame myself over it. I told myself I would let so many people down if I wasn't strong and pulled through every day. No bad days allowed. I let the thoughts in - a setback would be failure, disappointment, proof I was not strong, and more. I had no choice, I took my choice away, I made it or else.
As work projects started accumulating, I did similar. I told myself that I had no choice, I had to do them, do them all, do them all good, balance was not an option, find all the solutions, and don't screw it up. I felt I had to do it all, do it right, and do it right now. On days where I could hardly focus, I had to still look the part, play the game. I am the veteran of the team there now, I have to know what I am doing or figure it out on my own. Don't let them see you falter. I felt everyone had their eyes on me and I had to produce, no matter the cost.
I still struggle with the savior role in the family. Whether it was meant to happen or not, I have always been the one that fixes things or is the one that everyone comes to when things go wrong. Whether I am the sounding board, whipping post, or solution, it is my place. I struggle with a lot of "I have to...." thoughts when it comes to family. With Lora back and mom essentially writing us all off, all we have is each other. I try to keep saving the family when I am barely able to save myself. I try to find answers and solutions to problems that are not mine to solve, and yet I am the one called upon to help. I try to fix things that I have no control over and I am hard on myself when I cannot complete the task. I don't know any other role. Would I even be loved if I wasn't in this role? What happens when sis can't fix it anymore? There is an unwritten expectation and I feel like I have to fulfill it. As well, I am so afraid of losing what family dynamic we have left that I do not always put myself in a priority position.
With these and other situations, I placed myself on this "no struggling allowed" path that was very unrealistic and very unfair to ask myself to do. I wanted people to know I was trying and giving it all I had. I wanted God to be ok with what I was doing, I didn't want Him to think I was slacking or trying to take the easy way out. I felt I had to show results, measurable things, there then and here now kind of stuff. Standing still was not going to be allowed. In the end, in my attempt to achieve a level of success, I set myself up for failure, whether I realized it or not.
The night of "pin 50" should have been the big red warning light for me, and at a certain level it was. I didn't know how to express it though and I didn't really understand what was happening. On top of that, I felt I couldn't allow myself time to regroup, I had already messed up by stumbling that much. I also did not want to accept that I was starting to slip as that was too much like failure. I was caught in the middle of an emotional struggle and had no clue what side I wanted or needed to be on.
The battle has always been with myself. I needed a breather, I needed a break, I needed to be able and let some of the load go for a while. I could not accept just "putting it down" and regrouping -what an insane thought. I could, though, allow it to crush me. Then, at least at some level, I did not give up or give in - I didn't quit. At that point I could say, look I have a problem, I can't keep going like this, and it would seem acceptable. It became making the change because I had to, not because I wanted to. Simply, I knew I needed to stop and breathe and I didn't feel like I could do it any other way.
At some level it came with a sense of relief. Every slice across my hand allowed me to knock myself off the unrealistic pedestal I had placed myself on. It became the physical manifestation of "I am hurting, I am scared, I am overwhelmed, and I am afraid to ask for help with that." It became a way to regroup and start over without feeling like a loser and a failure. I know, not the healthiest choice, although at that moment, it felt like the only choice.
Now the goal is to do what I can so I don't end up in that spot again. It is an unfamiliar road as all I have done for so many years is go-go-go at full speed, overloaded, and recklessly. I got where I needed to go and did what I needed to do without care of what it was doing to me.
I can't live like that anymore.
Yah, I guess that would be a valid description. I am not quite sure what to do with it or how to react to it. I know, just let it happen and go from there. Sometimes I do not understand really what that means. Does that mean I try to analyze it, try to describe it, ignore it and just let it exist? I am finding myself kind of confused through it. I get what is happening, just not sure how to proceed with it.
I have learned not to ask, "is this normal?" I once in a while will go with, "is this typical?" The general answer is usually something to the effect of, if it works for you and it is not causing harm, then it is most likely ok. Just wish someone could explain to me what it is I am feeling and experiencing. I know it is not bad, it is just new (or new again). It would be nice to have someone introduce us. Unfortunately, my timing is never the greatest - I feel things when I am not around anyone to ask. I try to make note of them and then when I am around someone that I can ask, I usually have something else I am working through. Maybe that is a sign to keep trying to figure it out on my own.
I recently find myself asking the kids, "what do we do now?" as I do not feel so scared all the time. There was always a constant line of fear inside of me, kind of like when florescent lights are on, it makes that humming sound that you soon don't even notice, yet it is still there. Things have been "quieter" as the week has gone on. Sure, it gets riled up here and there, yet the continuous noise is so much less. I am sleeping better, the dreams are not as dark and scary. There is more color and more people. There are more memories in them - people, places, things that are familiar. When I wake during the night, I am not afraid to go back to sleep. The strong anxiety when I try to relax and go to sleep is much, much less. It still hits once in a while and even then the duration is less. I am very thankful for things like this.
I am tired more. I am thinking and pondering and my brain and spirit are working overtime - in good things - and my body just gets exhausted. Along with the mental tiredness, my physical body is just tired. Tammy and I were talking about hunger cues. I told her that I was still having trouble identifying being hungry. I shared that there are times when I don't think I am hungry at all and then I take a bite of something and it is like my body suddenly freaks out that there is food and I am scarfing my meal. Other times, I feel like I am starving to death and I fix something, take two bites, then don't want to eat anymore. She assured me that this is typical, that I have spent so many years ignoring hunger cues and telling myself the signals meant different things that I will have to relearn. She went on to say that my body will tell me it is hungry in other ways - exhaustion, weakness, muscle cramps, headaches, etc. I just shook my head and replied, "well, that make sense now" as I find myself fighting all those at different times. I am trying to just meet my body's needs as I can.
I got overwhelmed. I know I have talked about this a few times and I will soon shut up over it. It's my own doing. I started this whole count of days with no self-harm which really was an innocent way for me to have some accountability and as well, a visual reminder of how I was doing. I soon turned it into "you have to make it each day, you are not allowed to have a setback." I told myself that I wasn't allowed to feel the negative, I wasn't allowed to work through the rough thoughts. If they came, they had to be shoved aside. They soon got less and less for many reasons, yet when they did try to come, I would shame myself over it. I told myself I would let so many people down if I wasn't strong and pulled through every day. No bad days allowed. I let the thoughts in - a setback would be failure, disappointment, proof I was not strong, and more. I had no choice, I took my choice away, I made it or else.
As work projects started accumulating, I did similar. I told myself that I had no choice, I had to do them, do them all, do them all good, balance was not an option, find all the solutions, and don't screw it up. I felt I had to do it all, do it right, and do it right now. On days where I could hardly focus, I had to still look the part, play the game. I am the veteran of the team there now, I have to know what I am doing or figure it out on my own. Don't let them see you falter. I felt everyone had their eyes on me and I had to produce, no matter the cost.
I still struggle with the savior role in the family. Whether it was meant to happen or not, I have always been the one that fixes things or is the one that everyone comes to when things go wrong. Whether I am the sounding board, whipping post, or solution, it is my place. I struggle with a lot of "I have to...." thoughts when it comes to family. With Lora back and mom essentially writing us all off, all we have is each other. I try to keep saving the family when I am barely able to save myself. I try to find answers and solutions to problems that are not mine to solve, and yet I am the one called upon to help. I try to fix things that I have no control over and I am hard on myself when I cannot complete the task. I don't know any other role. Would I even be loved if I wasn't in this role? What happens when sis can't fix it anymore? There is an unwritten expectation and I feel like I have to fulfill it. As well, I am so afraid of losing what family dynamic we have left that I do not always put myself in a priority position.
With these and other situations, I placed myself on this "no struggling allowed" path that was very unrealistic and very unfair to ask myself to do. I wanted people to know I was trying and giving it all I had. I wanted God to be ok with what I was doing, I didn't want Him to think I was slacking or trying to take the easy way out. I felt I had to show results, measurable things, there then and here now kind of stuff. Standing still was not going to be allowed. In the end, in my attempt to achieve a level of success, I set myself up for failure, whether I realized it or not.
The night of "pin 50" should have been the big red warning light for me, and at a certain level it was. I didn't know how to express it though and I didn't really understand what was happening. On top of that, I felt I couldn't allow myself time to regroup, I had already messed up by stumbling that much. I also did not want to accept that I was starting to slip as that was too much like failure. I was caught in the middle of an emotional struggle and had no clue what side I wanted or needed to be on.
The battle has always been with myself. I needed a breather, I needed a break, I needed to be able and let some of the load go for a while. I could not accept just "putting it down" and regrouping -what an insane thought. I could, though, allow it to crush me. Then, at least at some level, I did not give up or give in - I didn't quit. At that point I could say, look I have a problem, I can't keep going like this, and it would seem acceptable. It became making the change because I had to, not because I wanted to. Simply, I knew I needed to stop and breathe and I didn't feel like I could do it any other way.
At some level it came with a sense of relief. Every slice across my hand allowed me to knock myself off the unrealistic pedestal I had placed myself on. It became the physical manifestation of "I am hurting, I am scared, I am overwhelmed, and I am afraid to ask for help with that." It became a way to regroup and start over without feeling like a loser and a failure. I know, not the healthiest choice, although at that moment, it felt like the only choice.
Now the goal is to do what I can so I don't end up in that spot again. It is an unfamiliar road as all I have done for so many years is go-go-go at full speed, overloaded, and recklessly. I got where I needed to go and did what I needed to do without care of what it was doing to me.
I can't live like that anymore.