Happy anniversary
Up to now, I have not posted photos and it may be a while before I do again. I think this time is ok. I like to go back and read my past posts. When I need some uplifting, they help get me there. When I am doing good, they remind me of how far I have come. There is a pattern of healing in the words written and the many more words that are not included. If I inspire no one else in this journey, I inspire myself.
This is an important week for me, I have an anniversary. Tuesday is my 1 year mark from surgery. I thought about just letting it come and go quietly, yet when it comes to reminding myself that I really can achieve things, this is a pretty solid one.
People are stuck with me. I'm going to be around a lot longer. No one seems to be complaining. In reality, I never thought I would live past 40. I figured that by 40 my health would have done me in or I would have done something stupid to myself. I remember sitting in my therapist's office on my birthday going "what do I do now? I didn't plan for this." I had no idea what to do with my life from that point forward. I believe she replied to the idea that I should go experience and live life. It is still a work in progress.
I am stubborn. Sometimes, when God wants me to hear Him, He doesn't quietly whisper, He whacks me with a 2x4 to get a point across. He knew the things that awaited me down the line and also that my health was not going to allow me to do them. His 2x4 this time was the simple thought that if I didn't make a change, I was not going to be around to see the nephews grow up. My health was so bad that it was questionable if I would have been around to see the holidays.
It wasn't dying that grabbed my soul, it was the possibility of not being here to be a part of the boy's lives. The idea that I could miss so many memories and events and there would be no one to blame but myself. That become my motivator. I was going to get healthy so I could be around to see them grow up, graduate, marry, have kids, and take on life. It was the goal that kept me from cheating, giving up, and quitting. When people ask me "my secret of success" I just tell them, have yourself a goal so important that you won't give up. Yes, I had days where I wanted to quit and go back to old ways, yet I didn't. I couldn't. The cost was too precious.
It has not been easy. I am continually learning that serious change, no matter what it is you are changing, doesn't come without some blood, sweat, and .... well, ok, blood and sweat. I spent 7 months before surgery proving to myself that I had it in me to make this work. Surgery was only going to be a tool to help me keep the weight off, it was up to me to do the work. If I couldn't do it on my own to start with, the surgery was not going to happen.
The journey has a huge mental component to it. I'd say almost 90% of it is mental. Trying to recognize patterns and behaviors is not that easy. Across the board changes all at once are a little overwhelming. I have a hard time seeing changes that others do. Body dysmorphia continues to be an issue. I see myself much larger than what I physically am. It's better, yet it is still a struggle. I look at photos and it doesn't match the image in my mind. It's hard to explain. I'm sure it is a contributing factor to my continued nutritional struggles. I keep fighting though!
I had no clue where this journey would take me. I've lost over 160 pounds and I am almost half the person I was - literally! It is surreal and is hard to comprehend. I actually enjoy living these days and I get excited about the new adventures I can take. As I work through the emotional demons, that excitement only grows. If I ever get healthy across the board I might just be a force to be reckoned with!
Today I celebrate. I celebrate God not giving up on me. I celebrate not quitting and giving up on myself. I celebrate the knowledge that there really is something worth living for. I celebrate everyone who has encouraged me in this journey. I'm just celebrating across the board.
This is a good moment to live in.
This is an important week for me, I have an anniversary. Tuesday is my 1 year mark from surgery. I thought about just letting it come and go quietly, yet when it comes to reminding myself that I really can achieve things, this is a pretty solid one.
People are stuck with me. I'm going to be around a lot longer. No one seems to be complaining. In reality, I never thought I would live past 40. I figured that by 40 my health would have done me in or I would have done something stupid to myself. I remember sitting in my therapist's office on my birthday going "what do I do now? I didn't plan for this." I had no idea what to do with my life from that point forward. I believe she replied to the idea that I should go experience and live life. It is still a work in progress.
I am stubborn. Sometimes, when God wants me to hear Him, He doesn't quietly whisper, He whacks me with a 2x4 to get a point across. He knew the things that awaited me down the line and also that my health was not going to allow me to do them. His 2x4 this time was the simple thought that if I didn't make a change, I was not going to be around to see the nephews grow up. My health was so bad that it was questionable if I would have been around to see the holidays.
It wasn't dying that grabbed my soul, it was the possibility of not being here to be a part of the boy's lives. The idea that I could miss so many memories and events and there would be no one to blame but myself. That become my motivator. I was going to get healthy so I could be around to see them grow up, graduate, marry, have kids, and take on life. It was the goal that kept me from cheating, giving up, and quitting. When people ask me "my secret of success" I just tell them, have yourself a goal so important that you won't give up. Yes, I had days where I wanted to quit and go back to old ways, yet I didn't. I couldn't. The cost was too precious.
It has not been easy. I am continually learning that serious change, no matter what it is you are changing, doesn't come without some blood, sweat, and .... well, ok, blood and sweat. I spent 7 months before surgery proving to myself that I had it in me to make this work. Surgery was only going to be a tool to help me keep the weight off, it was up to me to do the work. If I couldn't do it on my own to start with, the surgery was not going to happen.
The journey has a huge mental component to it. I'd say almost 90% of it is mental. Trying to recognize patterns and behaviors is not that easy. Across the board changes all at once are a little overwhelming. I have a hard time seeing changes that others do. Body dysmorphia continues to be an issue. I see myself much larger than what I physically am. It's better, yet it is still a struggle. I look at photos and it doesn't match the image in my mind. It's hard to explain. I'm sure it is a contributing factor to my continued nutritional struggles. I keep fighting though!
I had no clue where this journey would take me. I've lost over 160 pounds and I am almost half the person I was - literally! It is surreal and is hard to comprehend. I actually enjoy living these days and I get excited about the new adventures I can take. As I work through the emotional demons, that excitement only grows. If I ever get healthy across the board I might just be a force to be reckoned with!
Today I celebrate. I celebrate God not giving up on me. I celebrate not quitting and giving up on myself. I celebrate the knowledge that there really is something worth living for. I celebrate everyone who has encouraged me in this journey. I'm just celebrating across the board.
This is a good moment to live in.