That time of year

Found myself leaving class tonight, getting in the car and going, "What the heck is your problem? Settle down!" I've started to get good at recognizing triggers with the anxiety, then there are times it feels like it just hits you out of left field and you are taken completely by surprise.

There was a while there at the beginning of class where I didn't think I was going to get it under control. I just kept thinking, "this is a safe place, just relax" and then just started praying. Not sure what that was all about and I hope that is the last time it happens in class. I left to realize it was a full moon (close enough) so I am totally blaming it on that. Ok, so maybe there were a few things on my mind yet it is much easier to blame it on astrological events.

The holidays are here. Ah, the time of year where my brother and I just look at each other, grunt to acknowledge our unified feelings of Nov 1 - Feb 1, and then suck it up. Neither of us are Scrooges, we just have gotten tired of the accompanying drama over the years. Even if you try to think that this year will be different, you find it hard not to be reminded of the drama of Christmas pasts.

I have my way of dealing with it. Since 2009, I have managed to be ill, injured, or recovering from surgery each year during the Christmas break. I actually started planning any needed medical stuff during the holiday break. It has been wonderful. I have dealt with the drama by being snowed on pain and/or nerve pills! It didn't make the drama go away nor did it make the sting of it hurt any less, yet it made me numb enough that I really didn't care. This year I am facing it "clean and sober" (for lack of a better phrase) and it has me a bit frightened. My brother keeps telling me it will be ok, as there are some other factors that are different this year as well. In all honesty, this should be one of the best Christmas breaks we have had in a lot of years. That would be nice.

Now, I have learned to think about the concept of "does bad negate good" in regards to things. No, good is good and bad is bad and they can exist together or separate. One does not necessarily invalidate the other. It is what it is. And that helps going into it all this year. What bad there may be will not negate what good there is. I am not sure how you go back and apply that to the past. Yes, that bad did negate the good and that is how it has been remembered for all these years.

I often feel there is so much expectations through the holidays. Expectations to feel a certain way, act a certain way, do certain things. It's like a multi-week dog and pony show. I don't care to do or feel what others expect, especially during the holidays (I put enough expectations on myself, don't need help from others). My greatest holidays are the ones where I was in control of every moment. If I wanted to be jolly, I would go be jolly. If I wanted to hide out and celebrate alone, I would do that. It was my call. Just leave me alone and let me do my thing. Yet, there are expectations and then there are obligations.

So, yes, had a little anxiety going into class tonight. I've made some big decisions lately and the thought of going through the next few weeks with no class, no counselor, and no "better living through chemistry" options has had me thinking "what the hell have you done?" I think it was just the reality of it all hitting me tonight. I really need to have a long talk with my emotions about inappropriate timing.

As to keep building on what we are learning in class, I guess this is where I ask myself, what was the purpose of this emotion. You know, for only three choices, this is more difficult than one would think. There is a lot of validation in there: New, unfamiliar situations still scare me. I still need to work on live in the moment not worry about tomorrow. Emotions are going to happen on their schedule, not mine. I do have the ability to control the anxiety, even when it is at a high level. There was also motivation in there: I had to get myself settled down as class was not the place I was going to let this happen. It motivated me to use things I have learned and use them quickly.

It will be ok. I do have someone to talk to and that will help get through the other stuff. I have to remember that I am stronger and healthier than in the past. Expectations and obligations are only going to affect me if I choose to let them. I have the ability to make this holiday be any way I want it to be. I can be in control of the outcome. Just with all other things, I need to take a deep breath and remember, today is a new day as will be tomorrow and the next. The past is the past and I do not have to let it control the present. That was then, this is now. Don't judge myself and just keep living in the moment.

And, if nothing else, I can pat myself on the back, I did manage to get the anxiety under control. I'm learning. Slowly, but I am learning.