Listen to yourself
If I were to go back in my posts, I am sure I will find it written...possibly several times...do not write narratives right before going to sleep. One would think I would remember that.
Last night was a wonderful reminder full of dreams that supported the notion that I was not the person I used to be, that I couldn't handle simple situations, that I disappointed people. Ah, restful bliss!! Awoken at 2:30 am, I remember thinking among the anxiety, why didn't I listen to myself?
Soon back to sleep and more dreams.
I awoke this morning curled up in a tight ball, blankets pulled as close as they could be, having a panic attack. With my fist I continually rapped the side of my head, repeating out loud, "stop it, stop it, stop it." Ah, a beautiful morning experience everyone desires to have.
Until I got myself fully awake it was a wave that kept hitting over and over, and even though I knew the cause, it was not something I was out to enjoy. I think about it now and I probably could have been a little kinder to myself through it all. At that moment, it wasn't there.
I wondered why it seemed to bother me more, and quickly concluded that this was the first time I didn't try to quiet and calm it with a handful of pills or hurting myself. Whether it was prescription or over the counter, I tried to dull the pain I had created. Not this time though, this round was clear minded and feeling it all.
As I have been up and about this morning I start to wonder if writing the narrative helped any? Can I find some positives from the experience. I know it stirred up a lot thoughts and feelings. I know it brought me around to talk, or at least mention, some things that I have been avoiding saying for a lot of years. I also know it feels like it gave the darkness a whole lot of power in a small burst. Don't know how long that will take to fade out, yet right now it is taking advantage of burst of energy.
A part of me wonders if "the miracle" can happen again. Can I really manage to find peace with all of this like with the abuse stuff? Will there be that moment when suddenly I can look at it differently and take the negative power away from it? A place where it just becomes a piece of my past, not a definition of who I am. I hear that "if you choose so" line playing in my head which is not really the best reply. Although I am sure it is not meant to, it makes me feel like I am consciously choosing to let this be a thorn in my side. Like I use it to get attention or sympathy. Like it is my martyr card. It is not and I guess I could see how one might think that. I think that fear has been a contributing factor to not working through it. A fear of my talking about or focusing on it would be viewed as a way of just getting attention. As well, I never really had anyone willing to help me look at or work through it all.
I am better as the morning goes on. I am shaken, rattled, a bit hypersensitive to things around me, yet I am safe. I have come to a conclusion over the past few months that it really does not matter if I am ok or not as long as I am safe.
Meanwhile I am once again reminded, do not write emotionally upsetting narratives before going to sleep.
Last night was a wonderful reminder full of dreams that supported the notion that I was not the person I used to be, that I couldn't handle simple situations, that I disappointed people. Ah, restful bliss!! Awoken at 2:30 am, I remember thinking among the anxiety, why didn't I listen to myself?
Soon back to sleep and more dreams.
I awoke this morning curled up in a tight ball, blankets pulled as close as they could be, having a panic attack. With my fist I continually rapped the side of my head, repeating out loud, "stop it, stop it, stop it." Ah, a beautiful morning experience everyone desires to have.
Until I got myself fully awake it was a wave that kept hitting over and over, and even though I knew the cause, it was not something I was out to enjoy. I think about it now and I probably could have been a little kinder to myself through it all. At that moment, it wasn't there.
I wondered why it seemed to bother me more, and quickly concluded that this was the first time I didn't try to quiet and calm it with a handful of pills or hurting myself. Whether it was prescription or over the counter, I tried to dull the pain I had created. Not this time though, this round was clear minded and feeling it all.
As I have been up and about this morning I start to wonder if writing the narrative helped any? Can I find some positives from the experience. I know it stirred up a lot thoughts and feelings. I know it brought me around to talk, or at least mention, some things that I have been avoiding saying for a lot of years. I also know it feels like it gave the darkness a whole lot of power in a small burst. Don't know how long that will take to fade out, yet right now it is taking advantage of burst of energy.
A part of me wonders if "the miracle" can happen again. Can I really manage to find peace with all of this like with the abuse stuff? Will there be that moment when suddenly I can look at it differently and take the negative power away from it? A place where it just becomes a piece of my past, not a definition of who I am. I hear that "if you choose so" line playing in my head which is not really the best reply. Although I am sure it is not meant to, it makes me feel like I am consciously choosing to let this be a thorn in my side. Like I use it to get attention or sympathy. Like it is my martyr card. It is not and I guess I could see how one might think that. I think that fear has been a contributing factor to not working through it. A fear of my talking about or focusing on it would be viewed as a way of just getting attention. As well, I never really had anyone willing to help me look at or work through it all.
I am better as the morning goes on. I am shaken, rattled, a bit hypersensitive to things around me, yet I am safe. I have come to a conclusion over the past few months that it really does not matter if I am ok or not as long as I am safe.
Meanwhile I am once again reminded, do not write emotionally upsetting narratives before going to sleep.