I'm still around

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I have been avoiding writing posts. That is always a good sign that something is going on that I am doing my best to hide.  One might wonder why I do that. I have support and resources and I still am selective in my use of them.

There are many times where I feel like what I am going through is my own issue. It is either a result of something I have done or it is something I have done. Yes, it is back to that again...I got myself here, it is my responsibility to get myself out of it.

Tonight when I walked out of the building to go home, for a brief moment I felt safe. I was outside and I felt safe. Now it was just a flash of a moment and then things went back to my normal. I thought how it felt kind of weird and wonderful at the same time.

I have been struggling with a lot of negative thoughts this week. Thoughts of hurting myself have been more in the forefront. I feel the desire and I see it in the flashes. I have not said anything because I know what is triggering them and therefore it is my problem to resolve. I know I talk a lot about how fishing keeps me calm, yet it may be the only thing that has kept my fist from a brick wall.

I am having a whole bunch of mixed feelings with the narrative. Today the thoughts started in, hey you are alive so just drop it. Then getting mad at myself because I can't do that. I am afraid of not getting through it without crashing. I will give all I can, yet I am still haunted by fear of not being strong enough.

Blewy is still missing. That piece of me has made it very clear they do not want to be found. They are hurt and afraid and not trusting anyone...especially me. They want to lash out at anyone who comes near and therefore has disappeared in order to not hurt anyone.

So with that my mind is shutting down. Long week it has been and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I got a little written and that is well with me.

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